My emotions are a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel fine, and other times I feel like I'm heading right back toward the pit I just pulled myself out of a few weeks ago. This might sound crazy, but the pit is what I know, what is familiar and comfortable to me. In the past I've started to feel depressed and just always allowed myself to go there.
While I was at Philhaven, I crawled out of my pit. When I got home I began my recovery. At first I thought recovery sounded I little dramatic, but then I realized that's exactly what it is. I'm recovering from a deep, deep depression. I learned new skills to help me not to sink into that depression again. Of course I'm going to feel depressed again, but now I've learned that I can fight it. I might get to the edge of that pit, but I don't have to jump in.
What's hard for me is that, for a lot of people their depression has a "trigger". I guess I could say that sometimes something triggers depression for me. However, most times it seems like there's an invisible switch in my head. I'll go from being ok to being depressed with no rhyme or reason. How am I supposed to be proactive if I can't control my feelings?
I will continue to fight. When I start to get depressed, I will refuse to isolate myself. I'll talk about how I'm feeling. I know I have a support system, I know I can make a phone call, and there are people that will come spend time with me, or just talk to me if I need it. I know I have to be honest about how I'm feeling. I know that I can't beat myself up. A mantra that plays in my head is that I have everything to be happy about, but yet that's not how I feel sometimes. I've come to realize that doesn't make me unappreciative for what I have, it just is what is. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have. It doesn't mean I don't love Kevin and the girls. It's ok to feel depressed, but I don't have to take it lying down.
One more random thought. Recently a friend sent me this:
Directness
We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they are feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships. It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.
I would consider myself an honest person. At this very moment I am embracing my truth, and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Ordinarily I don't like to sugar coat things. I feel like if I care about someone, I'll be honest with them. My friend sent this to me because there is one relationship in which I feel like I can't be honest. I want to be, and my honest comes from a loving place, but this person is so closed off, and can't see past the false truth they've convinced themselves of. So this relationship is causing my to stray from my truth, and my strong belief in being true to myself.
Really, I don't have all the answers. I have struggles and I have triumphs, but I'm going to keep living, and embracing my truth. And I'm absolutely going to keep growing and learning about myself. Isn't that the most important thing?
Kelly, I think this is a great post. You know, Direct people make others feel normal. There's no need to "act fake" or pretend you are something that you aren't.
ReplyDeleteI actually this morning was helping someone who felt like they were a "failure" because they hadn't worked through an issue in their life yet. It's important for all of us to realize that failure is NOT in God's vocabulary. He sees you perfect, right now, right AS YOU ARE. Sure, there's things to refine, but He is in love with the person He's created you to be.
Agreed, Jess. It is so refreshing to know that He meets us where we are. Kelly, you are a blessing.
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