because who doesn't love puppies?

if you know me, then you probably know about the dog fiasco my family has had in the last six months. it's really too sad to talk about. anyway, a few weeks ago my parents invited me along to meet the puppies from the breeder they were buying from (she is very nice, you can check her out, here ) and i got to take some pictures of some very cute puppies, and a horse. :)

10 years of forgiveness

Every year on May 28th, I have to wake up and ask for the grace to forgive, and the strength to get through the day.
On May 28th, 2004 I became a rape victim. Today, May 28th, 2014, I am a survivor.

I don't know that I have every publicly written about this chapter of my life, but today I was inspired. I woke up to the news that one of my fellow survivors, Maya Angelou, had passed away. What a legacy she leaves us, what a hope her life has given so many people. She exemplified a life lived with forgiveness. She showed all of us how to turn adversity and tragedy into something extraordinarily beautiful.

Every year on this day I think of the other victims, and pray that they learn to forgive, and to live as survivors instead of victims.

You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'

-Maya Angelou

disappointment

when i started my weight loss journey almost a year ago i started having trouble keeping my blood sugar HIGH enough. great news for an insulin dependent diabetic! i was so excited when i got to go off my insulin pump. i was convinced that god had healed me. out of all my other health issues, for some reason, being diabetic was the hardest for me. it's just the constant checking blood sugar and needed to know what my body is doing. i just want to be able to live without being attached to something or needing shots. i had begged and pleaded with the lord to be healed, and i thought that this weight loss was the answer.
well, despite all my hard work, 80 pounds later, i'm going back on the pump. i've worked so hard, and i'm so discouraged. i don't know why i have a mental block when it comes to being diabetic. i know that plenty of people live with it everyday, but i really, truly, hate it.
can i just tell you the things i have heard? "if you'd just lose more weight.." "just go to the gym more..." seriously??!!
i'm so frustrated and stressed out. i'm disappointed that after all my hard work, i'm back at square one.

Thoughts as of Late: Friendships and Sacrifice

I've been thinking lately (especially in the last two days) about the kind of friends I have, and the kind of people I surround myself with. I just am so in awe of some of the recent relationships I have developed that I have to share a little bit of what's been on my mind. 

There is nothing more powerful than a group of women walking through their own deep struggles and still genuinely caring about each other. It's selfless, it's amazing, and I am so, so blessed to be a part of a group like this.  It's true, godly friendship when we are able to put aside our "stuff" and just love others. I am so grateful that we stumbled upon Petra when we did, because these recent friendships mean the world to me. 

The most meaningful friendships I have are with people who have had genuine struggles. I find it so refreshing to be able to be able to talk to other women who have experienced hurts and brokenness, they have so much to offer the world. To put aside your own hurts to care for another is just the most incredible thing. I can only hope I bring the same to friendships. 

 

gramps: a small tribute

My grandfather has always been a constant in my life. Probably one I took for granted most of my life. Birthday dinners, Gramps was there. Sunday dinners, Gramps was there. Sporting events, Christmas, random weeknights, anytime mom made pot roast, Gramps was there. Now he's not, and never will be again. And so as I struggle to explain the process of dying to my two young children, and struggle to grasp it myself, I'm feeling grateful for the time we had, while desperately clinging to the last moments we have left.

My grandpa has always kind of been more like a second father then a grandfather. I've gotten lectures, scolded, probably yelled at a few times, then apologized to, and always hugged and reassured of his love for me.
He taught me how to drive, change a flat, form my own opinions, and take responsibility for my decisions.

This past year, helping to take care of my grandfather since he's gotten sick has been the greatest joy for me. We have talked politics, reminisced, laughed, and eaten a lot of Subway.  I've had the privilege of watching him form a strong bond with my children, one he clearly treasures, and I'm sure my girls will treasure for the rest of their lives.

When my grandpa made the decision a few weeks ago to end his life sustaining treatments, it was hard to swallow. I'd leave his hospital room in tears. But he really did his best to reassure me. I will hold on tightly to the things he said to me. During one of his firmly lucid moments, he took Kevin and my hands, grasped them firmly, and said,
"I'm going to be watching out for our girls, don't you worry."

Holy tears, batman.

He has repeatedly thanked me for everything I've done for him. And I have repeatedly assured him how very welcome he is, and how he has done more for me then I could have ever done for him. He has thanked me for "giving him his girls". (also, tear jerker. Thanks for that, Gramps.) He has said a deliberate goodbye every time he is able. I have sat and held his hand, and he has smiled and stroked mine.

The other day as I sat with him I recounted one of my favorite memories (or at least one I won't ever forget): Not long after I got my permit he was supposed to take me to Hershey Park. Much to MY surprise he told me I would be driving myself to Hershey Park. I had never driven on the highway, or ever gone near 55 miles per hour, but my arguing did no good, I was in the driver's seat. I'm pretty sure I didn't even go near 55 the entire time we were on the highway, and, as these were the days before GPS, I had to follow the SIGNS to figure out how to get there. Somewhere along 743 I pulled over (I may or may not have been crying) onto a gravel shoulder. There was some pleading, and some "get back on the road", I'm sure you can guess from whom each of those things came. Eventually I made it to our destination, still alive, and probably a better driver for it. It's a memory Gramps and I have talked and laughed about many times. Especially because I ended up getting married right across the street from that gravel patch where I pulled off the road. As I repeated the story to him a few days ago as he lay in his bed at Hospice, he closed his eyes and chuckled. And we made another memory that I will hold on to forever

give away!

had to post this because i love nikon. :)

favoritism

bottom line, beth moore pretty much rocked my world this morning. i was sitting in bible study, the lights were low, and i was almost falling asleep. a result of my cold and a lack of sleep, and too much on my plate.
then she began to talk about favoritism. i figured i didn't really have to listen. i don't really favor one person over another.... or do i? what does it mean when i wait anxiously for keeping up with the kardashians to come on... am i favoring a family who stands for everything that God doesn't? what does it mean when i turn my nose up when i walk past a smelly, poorly dressed person in the grocery store? what does it mean that i even label them at all?
how many people have sought my attention, and i've ignored them, for various self righteous reasons. who do i subconsciously, or maybe even consciously give a good seat to, and who do i ask to stand or sit on the floor at me feet?