This weekend Kevin and I were planning on having a nice evening to celebrate our anniversary. Every other year something has come up and we were never able to do anything together. Friday night I had a fever of 104 but I was determined that Kevin and I would still at least stay in and watch a movie and get take out Saturday night since Kevin's parents were keeping the girls.
Well, we ended up spending the night in the hospital. Sunday morning I was sent home with all kinds of medicine and breathing treatments for pneumonia. I'm not much of a complainer when it comes to my health, but I haven't felt this bad in a LONG time.
Can I just tell you how much I appreciate my husband? He stayed up all night with me. He went to pick up my prescriptions and let me stay home and sleep. He wakes up in the middle of the night to get me my medicine. He got me a special water bottle with a straw to get me to drink more. Today he took care of the girls, and went to the grocery store and got anything/everything he thought I might be hungry for. I've kind of been living on juice since Friday since I've been feeling so terrible.
So anyway, I'm dragging my aching, body and fluid-y lungs to bed. But I'm also going to bed next to the best husband I could have asked for. I'm feeling pretty blessed, extremely grateful, and well taken care of.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Cry of My Heart
I kind of wanted to blog today (I've been doing so well with every day!) But I didn't really feel anything on my heart. Then I heard this song- and knew it would be the meditation of my heart today.
lead me to the cross
where your love poured out
bring me to my knees
Lord lay me down
rid me of myself
I belong to you
lead me, lead me to the cross
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My 18th Year
I turned 18 the spring that I graduated from high school. I graduated with no
clear direction. I kind of wanted to go to college but hadn't enrolled anywhere, I kind of wanted to try YWAM, but was afraid my boyfriend (Kevin) would find someone else while I was away.
I was impulsive, angry, and kind of headed in the "out of control" direction. I (on impulse of course) got a tattoo, tried (unsuccessfully) to hide it from my parents, worked two jobs, 12 hour days, and spent money recklessly. During that time I was having sex just as irresponsibly. I was kicked out of my house multiple times, after shouting matches with my dad. I stayed with friends, with Kevin, and spent nights in hotels. Then after a particularly bad fight, I moved in with people that I babysat for. Being "on my own" was disastrous. I wasn't used to making my own decisions, and most of mine were incredibly poor. I'm not proud of the manipulative, nasty person I was.
Kevin and I were on the verge of breaking up when I found out I was pregnant. We didn't even have a relationship anymore, we just slept together.
Finding out I was pregnant made me realize the HUGE consequences of my reckless behavior.
Kevin and I still didn't talk much, but I began trying to mend my relationship with my parents. My dad had recently had surgery and was off work for 6 weeks. I would come over and visit when I wasn't working (I just had one full time job by now) and only by the grace of God, my relationship with my dad started to heal. However, I was almost 3 months pregnant still hadn't told my parents.
Finally, the day came when I knew I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I came over and stayed late, trying to work up the nerve to tell them. We were sitting in the living room, my dad got up to go trim his nails, and I told them when he came back I had to tell them something important. When he was gone my mom whispered, "are you pregnant?" I nodded and burst into
tears. When my dad came in my mom
told him and they just hugged me. (what a 180 from just a few months before!) They insisted I move back in, and I did, the next day.
Kevin wasn't with me when I told my
parents, but he was dragging his feet in telling his parents. I saw them a few
times, wearing a sweatshirt to hide my growing stomach.
By now it was January of the new year. I was living happily with my parents, working full time, taking my prenatals, and my morning sickness
was FINALLY gone. In late January, early February Kevin told his parents (alone). They took us out for breakfast and told us not to feel pressured to get married, and that they would be supportive. I have to say, no one ever tried to influence me one way or the other, keeping the baby or adoption. From the start I was sure I wanted her. So I was disgusted when a midwife I saw suggested I terminate.
I felt terrible when I found out teachers at lmh were asking my 16 year old sister about my pregnancy. (I'm sure you can imagine my feelings on the subject.)
Then, one day in early March, something crazy happened that had God written all over it. I was on my way to drop of a 24 hour urine at Women's and Babies, it was just a precautionary thing because I had been showing protein in my dip stick tests at my doctor's appointments. It was snow, I was running late for work, and my sister had made a comment I took as a jab about my weight. (I know, I was pregnant, but I've always had body-issues) I had a panic attack, and by the time I got to the hospital I couldn't breathe. They immediately took me to triage, and my blood pressure (which is usually low) was through the roof. The nurse told me they would just have to keep me there until my blood pressure went down.
My dad works at Woodcrest Villa, right across the street, so he came to take me home because of the snow. I was told I would be released soon. Then Dr. Wise came in. She sat down next to my bed and told me I wouldn't be going home. They'd gotten the results of my urine test, a normal read would be 0-300 units of protein in the urine.
Mine was 2,000. That paired with the elevated blood pressure indicated preeclampsia, a life threatening condition during pregnancy that progressed quickly, and almost always resulted in premature birth. The problem was I was only 20 weeks pregnant, weeks away from my baby even being viable. (having any chance of living outside the womb)
The next few weeks were a whirlwind. I was in the hospital more then not. I had doctors, ob's, specialists, and nicu doctors explain my options. Termination, or early delivery, I would be able to hold her until she died, anywhere for 15-30 minutes. They told me how she would die, I asked whether it would be painful for her. They said no.
Nevertheless, I remained right on the edge, I wasn't quite sick enough to deliver, but I was close. My parents talked to my grandpa, and they decided the baby would be buried next to my grandma. They prepared my sisters for the baby's death. Week after week inched by. One weekend in May, my birthday weekend, I really wanted to go home. I cried and begged. The doctor said they needed to do one more test. My protein was 4,995. 5,000 is the line that cannot be crossed. At 5,000 is automatic emergency delivery.
Let me explain something about preeclampsia. The protein and blood pressure are dangerous to the mother because it indicates that her kidneys aren't able to handle the pregnancy.
It can cause seizures, blood clots, and stroke. That in turn would kill the baby.
Anyway, the doctor let me go home! :) I should say, in those months between October and May, and especially after March, I had undergone huge changes. I wasn't as angry, or impulsive. I think I was become mother-esque. Or at least the closest an 18 year old can come. Kevin was with me as much as he could be while I was in the hospital. He slept on the awful pull out beds every weekend. He held me when they gave me medicine that made me hallucinate and all I did was cry. I think the gravity and emotional-ness of the situation brought us together.
Sunday, May 13th, my birthday and mothers day, Kevin proposed! That night I was again in the hospital for pre term labor. They gave me some shots and sent me home. That Wednesday I had an appointment with MFM (maternal fetal medicine) I was between 1 and 2 centimeters dilated. They immediately admitted me. The contractions started again and nothing worked to stop them. Not even magnesium, a nasty, nasty drug. The doctor decided they wouldn't try to stop them anymore, I would just have the baby. A nurse came in and tried to give me my next dose, I told her the doctor said I shouldn't take it, but she insisted. I WASN'T supposed to take that dose, but without explanation, my contractions stopped. That dose bought Korinne a few more weeks.
We had multiple "delivery scares" but every time, in the 11th hour, things would inexplicably turn around and I would have a few more days.
Eventually, June 16, I knew something was wrong. I was swelling so much that my skin hurt. I went into triage- the doctor insisted I was ok, but since I insisted I was not they admitted me. The next day I saw a specialist, and he said I should have had the baby a week ago.
The next day they stopped my contraction-stopping medicine, I was already 5 centimeters dilated from all the preterm labor, so they broke my water. 20 minutes later I had an epidural, and 2 hours later Korinne Emma Lapp was born at an incredible 33 weeks!
Doctors that had told me she would die went to see her in the NICU, the worlds, "unbelievable" and "miracle" were thrown around. And she still is a wonderful, amazing miracle.
After she was born we found out I actually had kidney disease. Usually pregnancy would exacerbate it, but in my case my kidneys got remarkably worse AFTER Korinne was born. This astounded my kidney doctor, and she used the word "miracle" to describe Korinne freely.
clear direction. I kind of wanted to go to college but hadn't enrolled anywhere, I kind of wanted to try YWAM, but was afraid my boyfriend (Kevin) would find someone else while I was away.
I was impulsive, angry, and kind of headed in the "out of control" direction. I (on impulse of course) got a tattoo, tried (unsuccessfully) to hide it from my parents, worked two jobs, 12 hour days, and spent money recklessly. During that time I was having sex just as irresponsibly. I was kicked out of my house multiple times, after shouting matches with my dad. I stayed with friends, with Kevin, and spent nights in hotels. Then after a particularly bad fight, I moved in with people that I babysat for. Being "on my own" was disastrous. I wasn't used to making my own decisions, and most of mine were incredibly poor. I'm not proud of the manipulative, nasty person I was.
Kevin and I were on the verge of breaking up when I found out I was pregnant. We didn't even have a relationship anymore, we just slept together.
Finding out I was pregnant made me realize the HUGE consequences of my reckless behavior.
Kevin and I still didn't talk much, but I began trying to mend my relationship with my parents. My dad had recently had surgery and was off work for 6 weeks. I would come over and visit when I wasn't working (I just had one full time job by now) and only by the grace of God, my relationship with my dad started to heal. However, I was almost 3 months pregnant still hadn't told my parents.
Finally, the day came when I knew I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I came over and stayed late, trying to work up the nerve to tell them. We were sitting in the living room, my dad got up to go trim his nails, and I told them when he came back I had to tell them something important. When he was gone my mom whispered, "are you pregnant?" I nodded and burst into
tears. When my dad came in my mom
told him and they just hugged me. (what a 180 from just a few months before!) They insisted I move back in, and I did, the next day.
Kevin wasn't with me when I told my
parents, but he was dragging his feet in telling his parents. I saw them a few
times, wearing a sweatshirt to hide my growing stomach.
By now it was January of the new year. I was living happily with my parents, working full time, taking my prenatals, and my morning sickness
was FINALLY gone. In late January, early February Kevin told his parents (alone). They took us out for breakfast and told us not to feel pressured to get married, and that they would be supportive. I have to say, no one ever tried to influence me one way or the other, keeping the baby or adoption. From the start I was sure I wanted her. So I was disgusted when a midwife I saw suggested I terminate.
I felt terrible when I found out teachers at lmh were asking my 16 year old sister about my pregnancy. (I'm sure you can imagine my feelings on the subject.)
Then, one day in early March, something crazy happened that had God written all over it. I was on my way to drop of a 24 hour urine at Women's and Babies, it was just a precautionary thing because I had been showing protein in my dip stick tests at my doctor's appointments. It was snow, I was running late for work, and my sister had made a comment I took as a jab about my weight. (I know, I was pregnant, but I've always had body-issues) I had a panic attack, and by the time I got to the hospital I couldn't breathe. They immediately took me to triage, and my blood pressure (which is usually low) was through the roof. The nurse told me they would just have to keep me there until my blood pressure went down.
My dad works at Woodcrest Villa, right across the street, so he came to take me home because of the snow. I was told I would be released soon. Then Dr. Wise came in. She sat down next to my bed and told me I wouldn't be going home. They'd gotten the results of my urine test, a normal read would be 0-300 units of protein in the urine.
Mine was 2,000. That paired with the elevated blood pressure indicated preeclampsia, a life threatening condition during pregnancy that progressed quickly, and almost always resulted in premature birth. The problem was I was only 20 weeks pregnant, weeks away from my baby even being viable. (having any chance of living outside the womb)
The next few weeks were a whirlwind. I was in the hospital more then not. I had doctors, ob's, specialists, and nicu doctors explain my options. Termination, or early delivery, I would be able to hold her until she died, anywhere for 15-30 minutes. They told me how she would die, I asked whether it would be painful for her. They said no.
Nevertheless, I remained right on the edge, I wasn't quite sick enough to deliver, but I was close. My parents talked to my grandpa, and they decided the baby would be buried next to my grandma. They prepared my sisters for the baby's death. Week after week inched by. One weekend in May, my birthday weekend, I really wanted to go home. I cried and begged. The doctor said they needed to do one more test. My protein was 4,995. 5,000 is the line that cannot be crossed. At 5,000 is automatic emergency delivery.
Let me explain something about preeclampsia. The protein and blood pressure are dangerous to the mother because it indicates that her kidneys aren't able to handle the pregnancy.
It can cause seizures, blood clots, and stroke. That in turn would kill the baby.
Anyway, the doctor let me go home! :) I should say, in those months between October and May, and especially after March, I had undergone huge changes. I wasn't as angry, or impulsive. I think I was become mother-esque. Or at least the closest an 18 year old can come. Kevin was with me as much as he could be while I was in the hospital. He slept on the awful pull out beds every weekend. He held me when they gave me medicine that made me hallucinate and all I did was cry. I think the gravity and emotional-ness of the situation brought us together.
Sunday, May 13th, my birthday and mothers day, Kevin proposed! That night I was again in the hospital for pre term labor. They gave me some shots and sent me home. That Wednesday I had an appointment with MFM (maternal fetal medicine) I was between 1 and 2 centimeters dilated. They immediately admitted me. The contractions started again and nothing worked to stop them. Not even magnesium, a nasty, nasty drug. The doctor decided they wouldn't try to stop them anymore, I would just have the baby. A nurse came in and tried to give me my next dose, I told her the doctor said I shouldn't take it, but she insisted. I WASN'T supposed to take that dose, but without explanation, my contractions stopped. That dose bought Korinne a few more weeks.
We had multiple "delivery scares" but every time, in the 11th hour, things would inexplicably turn around and I would have a few more days.
Eventually, June 16, I knew something was wrong. I was swelling so much that my skin hurt. I went into triage- the doctor insisted I was ok, but since I insisted I was not they admitted me. The next day I saw a specialist, and he said I should have had the baby a week ago.
The next day they stopped my contraction-stopping medicine, I was already 5 centimeters dilated from all the preterm labor, so they broke my water. 20 minutes later I had an epidural, and 2 hours later Korinne Emma Lapp was born at an incredible 33 weeks!
Doctors that had told me she would die went to see her in the NICU, the worlds, "unbelievable" and "miracle" were thrown around. And she still is a wonderful, amazing miracle.
After she was born we found out I actually had kidney disease. Usually pregnancy would exacerbate it, but in my case my kidneys got remarkably worse AFTER Korinne was born. This astounded my kidney doctor, and she used the word "miracle" to describe Korinne freely.
So that's the story of Korinne. I give ALL the glory to God.
Three Years!
I'm proud to say that today I have been married to a wonderful man for three eventful years! Now onto my blog post...
I think honesty is like word vomiting. Once you start it's hard to stop, but you feel so much better afterward! So today I'll share another not-so-pretty part of myself- but certainly a part that has God's fingerprints all over it!
I got pregnant at 18, a fact that's rather hard to hide. After I got pregnant my life went into a whirlwind. At 21 weeks into my pregnancy I was faced with the choice of a partial birth abortion, or endangering my health, and, in all probability, still losing the baby. I chose a third option, to cling to my faith. The outcome: Korinne. But that's a story for another day. Six weeks later I had kidney surgery, a week later I started a grueling regimen of high doses of prednisone. During this time, Kevin was working full time, and going to school full time. During the few and far between moments we had together, I was usually getting some sleep while he took care of our newborn.
Then came our wedding day, when I realized I was marrying a stranger.
It was ok at first, because he worked at night and slept all day, and I slept at night and took care of Korinne all day. Our paths crossed over dinner.
It was then that I got on my knees. Was this going to work? Were we too hasty in marrying because we had a baby?
Nine months after we were married we had 2 children and Kevin was laid off, and I was facing another surgery. It was hard. But in the midst of all the chaos, we found each other again. I am painfully stubborn and fiercely independent. I hate asking for help, and rarely do. There's something so humbling having to rely on another person to do simple things like washing your hair. There's something so beautiful about a husband who does those things without being asked. After my emergency c section, and several weeks later, total thyroidectomy, my husband was there for me in every way I needed him. I had to sleep on a recliner, so he slept beside me on the floor instead of in our bed. He was so loving and kind.
In our time of difficulties and chaos, God brought our hearts back together, and created love out of something that could have been a disaster. I can honestly say I love my husband now more then the day we were married.
Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is hard work. Love is a choice, and it's so worth it.
I think honesty is like word vomiting. Once you start it's hard to stop, but you feel so much better afterward! So today I'll share another not-so-pretty part of myself- but certainly a part that has God's fingerprints all over it!
I got pregnant at 18, a fact that's rather hard to hide. After I got pregnant my life went into a whirlwind. At 21 weeks into my pregnancy I was faced with the choice of a partial birth abortion, or endangering my health, and, in all probability, still losing the baby. I chose a third option, to cling to my faith. The outcome: Korinne. But that's a story for another day. Six weeks later I had kidney surgery, a week later I started a grueling regimen of high doses of prednisone. During this time, Kevin was working full time, and going to school full time. During the few and far between moments we had together, I was usually getting some sleep while he took care of our newborn.
Then came our wedding day, when I realized I was marrying a stranger.
It was ok at first, because he worked at night and slept all day, and I slept at night and took care of Korinne all day. Our paths crossed over dinner.
It was then that I got on my knees. Was this going to work? Were we too hasty in marrying because we had a baby?
Nine months after we were married we had 2 children and Kevin was laid off, and I was facing another surgery. It was hard. But in the midst of all the chaos, we found each other again. I am painfully stubborn and fiercely independent. I hate asking for help, and rarely do. There's something so humbling having to rely on another person to do simple things like washing your hair. There's something so beautiful about a husband who does those things without being asked. After my emergency c section, and several weeks later, total thyroidectomy, my husband was there for me in every way I needed him. I had to sleep on a recliner, so he slept beside me on the floor instead of in our bed. He was so loving and kind.
In our time of difficulties and chaos, God brought our hearts back together, and created love out of something that could have been a disaster. I can honestly say I love my husband now more then the day we were married.
Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is hard work. Love is a choice, and it's so worth it.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Pregnancy and the Prefrontal Cortex
Today I've decided to be brutally honest. In the last few weeks I have been brutally honest with myself ABOUT myself, and let me tell you, it is FREEING!
First let me tell you what I've learned about this part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. It's the last part of the brain that develops during adolescence, usually reaching maturity around a person's mid 20's. (earlier in women, later in men, since we all know men develop emotionally slower then women) Anyway, the way I understand it, the prefrontal cortex is like the "adult" part of the brain. It is able to weigh pros and cons and not make impulsive decisions. It helps us to lose that egocentric, thrill seeking behavior so often seen in teenagers. It also enables us to have meaningful relationships- with more attention paid to the need of our partner rather then our own. Now, this is actually relative to my first point.
Teenage Pregnancy. Is it possible that teens get pregnant at such an alarming rate because of that part of their mind that seeks instant gratification, a thrill,
and doesn't think through consequences? That was a rhetorical question. So perhaps, it would be wise for parents to be pro active in their child's family planning? I understand that a lot of people believe in abstinence (I myself am a strong believer, if you can imagine that!) however, in addition to parents sharing their own personal convictions, how about opening the lines of communication about safe sex and birth control? I think parents taking an active role in their child's birth control method (whether it be abstinence or the pill) is crucial.
(ps- girls shouldn't be the only ones in charge of birth control. Boys, don't want a baby? Learn to wrap it up)
Teens are not meant to be parents. Case in point: Ever seen Teen Mom. Bravo, MTV, another quality television program. I'm not saying teens can't be good parents, but their brain chemistry isn't really up to a parenting standard. I will cite myself as an example. I was irresponsible with birth control. Along comes Korinne. I wasn't ready to be a mother. I loved Korinne, but to be honest, for a long time I felt like I was babysitting. I wasn't a harmful mother, but I needed a lot of help and guidance, and I thought more about myself then I did about Korinne. Now, I wouldn't give her up for the world, but had I waited a few years I think I could have been a much better mom. For a long time I was ashamed about my emotions surrounding Korinne's birth and early life, but I can recognize now that I did my best, and I can proudly say that through the last 3 1/2 years I have become a parent I can be proud of. More importantly though, I have come to understand WHY children shouldn't be having children, and that, as adults, we need to look at what WE can do to help prevent teen pregnancy.
I did have another point- but I have to do a part II tomorrow.
First let me tell you what I've learned about this part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. It's the last part of the brain that develops during adolescence, usually reaching maturity around a person's mid 20's. (earlier in women, later in men, since we all know men develop emotionally slower then women) Anyway, the way I understand it, the prefrontal cortex is like the "adult" part of the brain. It is able to weigh pros and cons and not make impulsive decisions. It helps us to lose that egocentric, thrill seeking behavior so often seen in teenagers. It also enables us to have meaningful relationships- with more attention paid to the need of our partner rather then our own. Now, this is actually relative to my first point.
Teenage Pregnancy. Is it possible that teens get pregnant at such an alarming rate because of that part of their mind that seeks instant gratification, a thrill,
and doesn't think through consequences? That was a rhetorical question. So perhaps, it would be wise for parents to be pro active in their child's family planning? I understand that a lot of people believe in abstinence (I myself am a strong believer, if you can imagine that!) however, in addition to parents sharing their own personal convictions, how about opening the lines of communication about safe sex and birth control? I think parents taking an active role in their child's birth control method (whether it be abstinence or the pill) is crucial.
(ps- girls shouldn't be the only ones in charge of birth control. Boys, don't want a baby? Learn to wrap it up)
Teens are not meant to be parents. Case in point: Ever seen Teen Mom. Bravo, MTV, another quality television program. I'm not saying teens can't be good parents, but their brain chemistry isn't really up to a parenting standard. I will cite myself as an example. I was irresponsible with birth control. Along comes Korinne. I wasn't ready to be a mother. I loved Korinne, but to be honest, for a long time I felt like I was babysitting. I wasn't a harmful mother, but I needed a lot of help and guidance, and I thought more about myself then I did about Korinne. Now, I wouldn't give her up for the world, but had I waited a few years I think I could have been a much better mom. For a long time I was ashamed about my emotions surrounding Korinne's birth and early life, but I can recognize now that I did my best, and I can proudly say that through the last 3 1/2 years I have become a parent I can be proud of. More importantly though, I have come to understand WHY children shouldn't be having children, and that, as adults, we need to look at what WE can do to help prevent teen pregnancy.
I did have another point- but I have to do a part II tomorrow.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Healthcare and other Atrocities
I'm not really one to get into political debates, because I'm not politically savvy. I used to really be into it, but then I realized how some people let it consume their lives, and they classify everyone by their political affiliation. Heaven forbid Republicans and Democrats should get along, much less AGREE.
I understand where people are coming from when they say "I don't want to pay for someone's healthcare because they're just too LAZY to get a job!"
Well, perhaps I should rephrase, I could understand where they are coming from if the majority of people who were lacking healthcare were just too lazy to get a job. My husband works extremely hard, and we still don't have vision and dental. I dare anyone to call him lazy.
Anyway, my point is, it is my STRONG opinion that access to good healthcare should be a right. Ok, so uninsured individuals may have ACCESS to that healthcare, but can they afford to pay for it? A basic human right should be healthcare that doesn't ruin their financial future.
At one point in our lives we were paying $600 per month JUST for ME to have health insurance, and the rest of my family had to go without. So in addition to that $600, we also had to pay co pays, and out of pocket when the girls were sick (which fortunately wasn't often) and for their immunizations. Now, there is a program that allows children to get vaccines for free, however the doctors office still charges several hundred dollars for the "administration" of the vaccines. My point is, we paid literally thousands of dollars in healthcare. Before you think I'm a terrible person for having insurance while the rest of my family went without, let me tell you that I spent about 3 months in the hospital, and had 3 major surgeries that also included hospital stays all within 2 years. So $600 per month is chump change compared to what we would have paid without it. Even so, we were stretched so thin, and I believe that is so wrong.
Let me be clear, I'm not saying I support Obama's healthcare plan, from what I do understand about it, it scares me to death. I'm also not saying I don't think he's headed in the wrong direction believing in affordable healthcare for everyone. Like I said before I just strongly believe it's a human right.
All those people sitting on their high horses, or rather in their comfortable
homes, who have good health and
complain about "paying for the lazy people" need a reality check. I'm curious to know how many people die every year because they don't have access to healthcare? Do people have hearts of stone to think that's ok? I also wonder how many people don't go to the doctor when they should because their co pays or deductibles are too high? How many people go without prescriptions? Shouldn't we all have the right to be our best, healthiest selves? Don't even get me started on how people living on a tight budget, or in poverty sometimes can't even afford a healthy diet. Why is everything so
backwards? What happened to taking care of the poor? We're criticizing far more then caring. Since we MUST know what they're doing wrong. I'm
ending this post disgusted with the attitudes of my fellow Christians, and people in general. Come on, guys, wake up. We're supposed to be a community, and it's absolutely not our job to criticize or to determine who is worthy of our dollars, or our compassion.
I understand where people are coming from when they say "I don't want to pay for someone's healthcare because they're just too LAZY to get a job!"
Well, perhaps I should rephrase, I could understand where they are coming from if the majority of people who were lacking healthcare were just too lazy to get a job. My husband works extremely hard, and we still don't have vision and dental. I dare anyone to call him lazy.
Anyway, my point is, it is my STRONG opinion that access to good healthcare should be a right. Ok, so uninsured individuals may have ACCESS to that healthcare, but can they afford to pay for it? A basic human right should be healthcare that doesn't ruin their financial future.
At one point in our lives we were paying $600 per month JUST for ME to have health insurance, and the rest of my family had to go without. So in addition to that $600, we also had to pay co pays, and out of pocket when the girls were sick (which fortunately wasn't often) and for their immunizations. Now, there is a program that allows children to get vaccines for free, however the doctors office still charges several hundred dollars for the "administration" of the vaccines. My point is, we paid literally thousands of dollars in healthcare. Before you think I'm a terrible person for having insurance while the rest of my family went without, let me tell you that I spent about 3 months in the hospital, and had 3 major surgeries that also included hospital stays all within 2 years. So $600 per month is chump change compared to what we would have paid without it. Even so, we were stretched so thin, and I believe that is so wrong.
Let me be clear, I'm not saying I support Obama's healthcare plan, from what I do understand about it, it scares me to death. I'm also not saying I don't think he's headed in the wrong direction believing in affordable healthcare for everyone. Like I said before I just strongly believe it's a human right.
All those people sitting on their high horses, or rather in their comfortable
homes, who have good health and
complain about "paying for the lazy people" need a reality check. I'm curious to know how many people die every year because they don't have access to healthcare? Do people have hearts of stone to think that's ok? I also wonder how many people don't go to the doctor when they should because their co pays or deductibles are too high? How many people go without prescriptions? Shouldn't we all have the right to be our best, healthiest selves? Don't even get me started on how people living on a tight budget, or in poverty sometimes can't even afford a healthy diet. Why is everything so
backwards? What happened to taking care of the poor? We're criticizing far more then caring. Since we MUST know what they're doing wrong. I'm
ending this post disgusted with the attitudes of my fellow Christians, and people in general. Come on, guys, wake up. We're supposed to be a community, and it's absolutely not our job to criticize or to determine who is worthy of our dollars, or our compassion.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Just-Like-Panera Cheddar Broccoli Soup
I found a "copy cat" version of Panera's Broccoli Cheddar soup, made a slight modification and it's delish! We just had it for dinner tonight and I couldn't wait to share it!
3 cups broccoli florets (fresh makes a huge difference over frozen!)
4 cups chicken broth
1 c half and half
1/2 c all purpose flour
8oz package of mild or sharp cheddar (depending on what you like)
1/2 cup shredded carrots
1/3 c diced onion (I used sweet)
pinch ground black pepper
steam broccoli for about 6 min. (you don't want it super tender because it will continue to cook for 30 min in the soup) cut into small chunks.
Put chicken broth and half and half in a large saucepan. Whisk in the flour, then add the remaining ingredients, including the broccoli. Cook over medium heat until it starts to bubble. Simmer over med/med low heat for
30 minutes until soup is thick, Stirring occasionally.
Seriously, you must try it. It's
AH-MAZING!!!
The Holy Spirit
"But now I am going away to the one who sent me, and not one of you is asking where I am going. Instead, you grieve because of what I've told you. But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don't, the Advocate won't come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you. And when he comes, he will convict the world of its sin, and of God's righteousness, and of the coming judgment. The world's sin is that it refuses to believe in me. Righteousness is available because I go to the Father, and you will see me no more. Judgment will come because the ruler of this world has already been judged. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. He will bring me glory by telling you whatever he receives from me. All that belongs to the Father is mine; this is why I said, 'The Spirit will tell you whatever he receives from me.' "
John 16:5-15
John 16:5-15
I was thinking about blogging about something completely different today. Then I found this scripture and I LOVED it. I love reading the Bible and finding something that strikes a chord in my heart and helps me to understand a new truth, or a truth I already know in a new way.
This scripture reminded me of a few
things. One of them is related to spiritual gifts. I'm afraid of my spiritual gifts being rejected by other people.
I fear that they'll look at me, and my past and think, "yeah, right, we're not going to listen to HER." I'm afraid I've thought the same thing sometimes, rejecting truth because of the package it comes in.
Well, the real truth is that the Holy Spirit uses all kinds of "packages". None of us are perfect, but that doesn't matter because God IS perfection. And that's where the holy spirit comes from. So our "gifts" aren't our own, they are the work of the holy spirit THROUGH us. So when we are "rejected" it isn't us that's being rejected, it's the spirit.
Isn't it sad that people are so willing to write off someone who might have an incredible truth to share just because of our preconceived notions about them?
For example, say I know someone who puts on a really good front. She seems like an amazing, loving, caring person. She IS that person, but not all the time. She can also be nasty and manipulative, and dishonest. So my
knee jerk reaction when I hear that she, in her caring, loving state, has inspired people, is to turn up my nose and think, "HER! But I've SEEN the way she is, she's so fake." But the inspiration she instills in other people IS real. Why can't the holy spirit choose to work through her just because she has some less than desirable qualities. I don't know what is going on in her heart. I believe we are all convicted of our attitudes/sins, but why can't the spirit work through us while we're still growing? Doesn't it say something about the character and greatness of God that he uses the imperfect? Although, who else does he have to work with since we're all far from perfect? We're all molded by our maker, but in this world none of us are immune to a few cracks or chips.
One more thing I'll share is that when I read this I was just struck by how LITTLE we humans know. Jesus even says it here, they weren't ready to hear
anymore. How confused those disciples must have been. Were they expecting an "Advocate" in human form? What did they think when they received tongues of fire?? Basically my thought is, who are we to question? We can't see the bigger picture, but He can. Isn't faith believing and trusting what we can't see? I know it might be hard to believe, but that's why I'm ok in the face of uncertainty, because I know that it's all part of a bigger picture that I may not understand right now, but I will someday.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Hey God, It's me, Kelly
Lately, as I've revealed in recent posts, my life is going through crazy changes. I've been overwhelmed, excited, and sometimes overwhelmed by my new emotional "norm". I've been discovering who I forgot I was, I'm discovering new
ways of dealing with everyday situations. So much has been about "I". I think I've been so wrapped up I forgot to give the glory to the One who deserves it.
I know a lot of Christians are skeptical about mental illness, and mood stabilizing medication. But I believe my God guides the hands
of the men and women who develop medicines that save lives. Everyday I take medicine that literally keeps me alive. And now I take a medicine that wakes up my mind from depression, and calms my manic episodes. Isn't my mind as important as my body? I believe God wants us to be our best selves. If my body is His temple, then I want ALL of it: mind, body, and soul to be the best it can be.
So today I'm basking in thankfulness. I truly believe He allowed me to hit my lowest low, and then gave me the strength to reach out for help. And now I've been given the greatest gift: my life back.
As I write this I'm overwhelmed by God's love for me. I'm overwhelmed that He cared enough to orchestrate a chain of events that would turn my world upside down, and then show me a way to become whole again. God LOVES us, He wants the absolute best for us. I am no longer ashamed of the struggles He has entrusted to me, I am
glad for them. For everything there is a season; this is my season of discovering my purpose: God's purpose for me.
ways of dealing with everyday situations. So much has been about "I". I think I've been so wrapped up I forgot to give the glory to the One who deserves it.
I know a lot of Christians are skeptical about mental illness, and mood stabilizing medication. But I believe my God guides the hands
of the men and women who develop medicines that save lives. Everyday I take medicine that literally keeps me alive. And now I take a medicine that wakes up my mind from depression, and calms my manic episodes. Isn't my mind as important as my body? I believe God wants us to be our best selves. If my body is His temple, then I want ALL of it: mind, body, and soul to be the best it can be.
So today I'm basking in thankfulness. I truly believe He allowed me to hit my lowest low, and then gave me the strength to reach out for help. And now I've been given the greatest gift: my life back.
As I write this I'm overwhelmed by God's love for me. I'm overwhelmed that He cared enough to orchestrate a chain of events that would turn my world upside down, and then show me a way to become whole again. God LOVES us, He wants the absolute best for us. I am no longer ashamed of the struggles He has entrusted to me, I am
glad for them. For everything there is a season; this is my season of discovering my purpose: God's purpose for me.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sick Leave
I had meant to blog regularly about the things going on in my life. Especially since I'm so excited about the new things happening.
However, life rarely goes as planned. Khloe spent a night in the hospital two
weeks ago due to some nasty croup. About 4 days after she had seemed back to normal she started with a fever, and two days later her mouth, throat and hands were covered in blisters. Coxsackievirus. And now Korinne has it. I don't remember the last time I slept more then 3 hours at a time, I'm one tired mama! So while we all recover I'll put a hold on sharing all the awesome new things in my life.
However, last night as I was fighting through exhaustion to get up yet again with my little peanut, I realized that this too shall pass. How thankful I am for that! I can't imagine being a parent of a chronically or terminally ill child, when sleep deprivation might be the norm. So, in my bleary-eyed state I made some time to say a prayer for those amazing parents and their beautiful children. And I leave you with this:
"Let us all be thankful for today, for if we did not learn a lot, at least we learnt a little. And if we did not learn a little, at least we did not become ill. And if we became ill, at least we did not die. So let us all be thankful." - Buddha
However, life rarely goes as planned. Khloe spent a night in the hospital two
weeks ago due to some nasty croup. About 4 days after she had seemed back to normal she started with a fever, and two days later her mouth, throat and hands were covered in blisters. Coxsackievirus. And now Korinne has it. I don't remember the last time I slept more then 3 hours at a time, I'm one tired mama! So while we all recover I'll put a hold on sharing all the awesome new things in my life.
However, last night as I was fighting through exhaustion to get up yet again with my little peanut, I realized that this too shall pass. How thankful I am for that! I can't imagine being a parent of a chronically or terminally ill child, when sleep deprivation might be the norm. So, in my bleary-eyed state I made some time to say a prayer for those amazing parents and their beautiful children. And I leave you with this:
"Let us all be thankful for today, for if we did not learn a lot, at least we learnt a little. And if we did not learn a little, at least we did not become ill. And if we became ill, at least we did not die. So let us all be thankful." - Buddha
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
My Acceptance Circle
This year will be a beautiful one. Korinne will turn 4! Khloe will be 3, and every day will be an adventure in discovering things! I'll be 23 and for me, every day will hold a new discovery about myself, my God, and the world around me.
Recently I was diagnosed with bi polar 2, something I wasn't sure I wanted to announce to the world, but then I realized it's only things we don't acknowledge that have power over us. Plus, I don't believe that a diagnoses is a label on our lives unless we allow it. Anyway, my life has changed dramatically! I am feeling better then I have in years, part of me feels sad that I was ok with living with so much pain for so long, refusing to help myself, and for thinking my roller coaster of emotions was all there was for me.
However, the past is in the past, and maybe I can inspire one person to truly examine their mental health.
So, as part of my therapy, I have been reading a book called "suffering is optional" by Cheri Huber. It is awesome, and I'm going to take one of her online classes. One thing about Cheri Huber is that she's Buddhist. This immediately turned me off, I'm a Christian! I can't read a Buddhist book! Oh, labels, labels, labels. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that nothing she says goes against Christianity. In fact, many things would go right along with what I believe. And digging deeper, I believe some of the things she suggests will help me to shed my wordly, conditioned ways of thinking, and deepen my relationship with Christ. I hope to be blogging lots about my journey in the next few weeks.
My challenge for today is called the 'circle of acceptance'. Get a piece of paper and at the top write "love answers all the questions judgement fails to hear" then draw a large circle,
in it write all the things/people/beliefs you accept, outside the circle write
what you don't accept. Take some time
throughout the day to think, really think, about those things outside the circle. Can you accept without condoning? Examine WHY you don't accept them? Can you think of a concrete reason? Are they based on a certain belief or assumption? Where did that assumption/belief come from? Is is valid? Can you change it?
By the end of the day, or over time, see how many things you can move inside your circle.
I'm excited to begin my challenge for the day. I'll update later. :)
Recently I was diagnosed with bi polar 2, something I wasn't sure I wanted to announce to the world, but then I realized it's only things we don't acknowledge that have power over us. Plus, I don't believe that a diagnoses is a label on our lives unless we allow it. Anyway, my life has changed dramatically! I am feeling better then I have in years, part of me feels sad that I was ok with living with so much pain for so long, refusing to help myself, and for thinking my roller coaster of emotions was all there was for me.
However, the past is in the past, and maybe I can inspire one person to truly examine their mental health.
So, as part of my therapy, I have been reading a book called "suffering is optional" by Cheri Huber. It is awesome, and I'm going to take one of her online classes. One thing about Cheri Huber is that she's Buddhist. This immediately turned me off, I'm a Christian! I can't read a Buddhist book! Oh, labels, labels, labels. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that nothing she says goes against Christianity. In fact, many things would go right along with what I believe. And digging deeper, I believe some of the things she suggests will help me to shed my wordly, conditioned ways of thinking, and deepen my relationship with Christ. I hope to be blogging lots about my journey in the next few weeks.
My challenge for today is called the 'circle of acceptance'. Get a piece of paper and at the top write "love answers all the questions judgement fails to hear" then draw a large circle,
in it write all the things/people/beliefs you accept, outside the circle write
what you don't accept. Take some time
throughout the day to think, really think, about those things outside the circle. Can you accept without condoning? Examine WHY you don't accept them? Can you think of a concrete reason? Are they based on a certain belief or assumption? Where did that assumption/belief come from? Is is valid? Can you change it?
By the end of the day, or over time, see how many things you can move inside your circle.
I'm excited to begin my challenge for the day. I'll update later. :)
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