A Revelation

Recently I was challenged by a friend to be honest about my health. Not about the facts, but about how I'm feeling. She said being open about it would allow other people to be open with me, as well. Apparently people may tend to think I don't want to hear about their ailments or problems because I don't talk about mine. So here it goes. This is my reality

I wake up, take a few pills. Wait 1 hour to eat. Check blood sugar 5-7x per day. Take 4-6 shots per 24 hours. Live with chronic pain, whether in my joints from lupus, or the migraines I've been getting that are resistant to medication and last up to 7 days. It sucks, and I hate it. I feel like I a failure as a mother because I can't do all the things with my girls that I want to. I'm afraid that Korinne is going to start feeling like my mom instead of the other way around. Today I woke up with a horrible migraine, while I was laying on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas on my neck to try to help the pain a little bit (I can't take pain medicine when I'm home alone with 2 kids), Korinne loaded the dishwasher and wiped off the counters. Because she wanted to. What four year old does that? It makes me feel guilty. I try so hard not to fall into the rut of feeling sorry for myself. Lately it's just been feeling like one thing after another, like I can't even catch my breath before something else hurts. 

The other day I just got so frustrated, I told Kevin I don't know if I can believe, or want to believe in a God who lets people hurt so much. I'm kind of angry about it. I decided to keep pushing forward and believing, but feeling like maybe I don't like this god I've put my faith in. 

This evening I had an MRI of my head and neck- to try to find the cause of my mysterious migraines that popped up out of nowhere. I was kind of nervous because I'm slightly claustrophobic. I just brought my sleep mask and tried to meditate. While I was in the machine I thought was kind of like 'Well, God, if you have anything to say, I'm pretty much stuck here for the next hour-ish'. I guess he kind of did speak. It occurred to me that my mindset is off. I felt like God was doing something TO me- he was causing me to have all these health problems. However, I think basically bad stuff happens because we are a fallen people living in a fallen world. God didn't one day decide to make me sick, He just didn't stop it. And maybe he did stop some of it. Maybe I could be a lot sicker. I'm fortunate that my kidneys are in remission, that my liver enzymes aren't getting worse, that my lupus flares are few and far between. 

I HATE when people compare themselves to Job, because, honestly, he had it A LOT worse then most people. But, in the sense that God ALLOWED bad things to happen to him, we are similar. Job is a great example to people of perseverance in the face of hardship. Of extreme faith. 

I don't have some grand conclusion or anything, I'm just a girl trying to head in the right direction. And these are my thoughts for the day. 

Being a Fighter

The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can.

Robert Cushing 

If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. 

Thomas Edison 

We only become what we are by the radical and deep seated refusal of that which others have made of us. 

Jean Paul Sarte

So, I'm on this journey- this journey to be a better version of myself. To be honest, I couldn't make myself do it for my family, I had to make up my mind to do it for myself. I decided I wasn't satisfied with my quality of life- I wanted better. This has totally been my year of taking care of myself. First my mental health, and now the rest of my health. And I have to say, I'm feeling great and pretty darn proud of myself. I've found that the better I feel, the more I can be there for other people. That's really important to me right now. 

I have a friend going through something really tough, and I'm really glad I'm able to pass on my positive (ok, well positive 98% of the time!) attitude. I look at it like a fight. When something bad or unexpected happens, you can lay down and die (which is what I always did before) or you can fight like hell to become a better person regardless of the cards you have been dealt. 

I'll end this short post with my fav quote right now:

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. 

Maya Angelou

karma is bullshit

this will quite possibly become a post i might later regret, but for so long i have felt like i have nothing to say, that i'm not inspiring so why write? well, this time i'm writing, because the alternative might be throwing up, or breaking something.
sometimes life sucks. i fancy myself an optimist- i try to see the best in people and situations. i sometimes look really hard in the good in people; any reason not give up on them. sometimes this ends poorly for me. anyway, that's not really relevant. right now i'm not feeling much like an optimist.
i'm so angry right now. i'm angry at every pregnant woman, at ever woman who gets to hold her newborn baby. every woman who takes the child inside of her for granted. why is my baby dead? why is yours alive and i'll never get to hold mine. what makes your baby so special?
i just want to scream. scream and break something. somedays it just feels so raw- like my heart literally weighs a million pounds.
i want to yell at someone for no reason; use every four letter word i know. but nothing i can comprehend doing will make it go away. no amount of xanax will calm these nerves.
i'm just so freaking angry. i think it's ok to be angry. so i'm going to be angry. i'm going to go to the gym and run my anger, bike my anger, swim my anger. drown out my anger with my ipod.

It's Been Awhile

So- this is what I've been thinking about lately. It began because a friend of mine (I guess she's a friend..) didn't invite me to her wedding. I know that just because someone was invited to your wedding doesn't mean they need to reciprocate. I had some friends down in Lancaster that I really loved- and I feel like since moving away they forgot about me. I made a few efforts to stay in touch, but I suppose I could have done better.
So anyway, my thoughts have been about friendship. I didn't realize how many friends I had until everything I went through- and everything that got me to Philhaven. I didn't realize how much I had to offer other people. I know it's dumb of me to expect these friends to keep in touch- I just feel a little bit hurt that they had no idea what was going on with my life. I've had serious health issues, I almost committed suicide, and they lived their happy lives.
Since coming through my darker time I've definitely developed deeper friendships, and I wonder if I should even pursue some of the old ones? When you enter a new phase do all the old friends have to come along? Is it sometimes healthier to leave them behind?
Story that I've probably told before:
When my friend Val left for Rwanda I felt like I was going to have no friends. She was the one who I could call at midnight and she'd come over to chat. Once she called at like 11pm and came over and we watched movies for a few hours. Friends like that don't come along very often. So I prayed about it. Within the next year I developed a lot of new friendships, and in the past few months most of my friendships have deepened- and I have such an amazing support system- it's a pretty great feeling- especially considering where I was when I prayed for friends. :)

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

picture credit

My Little Girl is 4 and Her Room is Pink

Friday Korinne turned FOUR! I can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday that I gave birth to her!

We had so much fun on her birthday! I'm so glad that I'm a stay at home mom and was able to spend the day with her. :)

For her birthday dinner she requested asparagus soup, and spinach macaroni and cheese. We got an AMAZING Dora cake from Yoder's and had both sets of Grandparents over for dinner.

Last night Kevin's parents kept the girls overnight and Kevin and I got to spend some time together. Which I always LOVE! :) We decided to paint the girl's room. The paint in our apartment is all flat paint. Which is not great. My husband is a mechanic and I have a 2 and 4 year old. And flat paint can't be wiped off. So we started with egg shell in their room and will hopefully move on to the rest of it eventually.

Who Am I Living For?

So, I meant to do this post a long time ago; then I looked at this picture and decided to get up and do something rather then post on my blog. 

These little feet rely on me for everything. I'm not the perfect mom, I'm not the best mom in the world. Lots of days I'm tired and I don't feel good. Regardless of my flaws, my girls love me. Everyday I hear "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole WORLD".  I'm beginning to realize I need to start living up to that claim.

On days when I "don't feel good" would it really kill me to take them to the park for an hour?

So this is what I've been doing in the two weeks I've been MIA from my blog:

Going to the park and playing with the girls. It's amazing how excited the girls get when I go down the slide.

Playing in the sand.

Reading massive amounts of books, to the girls, and in my own time.

Got a library card.

Signed the girls up for a summer reading program.

Signed myself up for a summer reading program.

Finished the girl's summer reading program.

Took the girls to the summer story time every Tuesday.

Took the girls to see DORA at the library.


Met new friends. (who had friends for Korinne and Khloe)

Met said new friends at various parks in the area with our children.

Hung out with Rox (of course)

Baked bread.

And that, dear friends, is why I've been absent. I've been hanging out with the coolest little girls in the world. :)

Subtelty

Saw this on a friend's wall on facebook.  I had to repost it- I feel like this describes my life right now, at the very least where I'm heading.

Questions and Reality

How am I supposed to feel? Is there some rule I'm supposed to follow? Some code of conduct? I'm feeling overwhelmed about my health, and I just haven't been feeling well lately. I'm up to my eyeballs in medication, how am I not feeling great? Why am I taking them if I still feel tired and achy and sick? Am I allowed to complain? I have a great husband, beautiful children, a roof over my head, and food to eat. So am I just a huge complainer and I should just keep my mouth shut?

This is how I feel: this totally sucks.

I just got a call from the liver doc- the liver sample was insufficient, so they're weren't able to get any results from it. hooray for good news.... so anyway, there's some new blood test that I can have done (it has to be pre approved by insurance, and I have to go to some special lab, it's just that new) and depending on the "score" of that test they'll decide whether or not to repeat the liver biopsy.

So now I'm kind of feeling whiney like "why does this always happen to me". I'm not going to lie, I've started to get a little angry and irritated. Is God somehow trying to get through to me about something? It's this just the beginning and there is some big miracle to come? Am I just supposed to learn to draw closer and stop being stubborn and realize I don't have to deal with everything on my own?

So what is my reality for the day?
I'm feeling drained.
I feel like giving up.
I feel like I can't do this anymore.
I feel like there has to be good things to come.
I feel like baking cupcakes.
I'm upset that I can't eat cupcakes.
I think I might eat a cupcake anyway.
I'm excited to sleep over at my bff's house tonight.
I'm apprehensive about becoming a licensed driver tomorrow.
I wonder what my new freedom will bring.
I wonder if God will bring my purpose to me, or if I have to go find it.
My house is relatively clean, that makes me happy.
I have 3 loads of laundry to fold.

Some Ramblings

I've been a bit frazzled today. I've been on the phone for hours trying to get things straight- I've been dealing with bills, and doctor's appointments, and laundry, and children. I apparently told Kevin the same story three times and he was beginning to get a little concerned....

Tonight was supposed to be Kevin's first softball game. Of course it was rained out after we drove all the way down to Lancaster. Oh well, there's always next week, but the girls were very upset that they didn't get to see daddy play.

Wednesday I get my license back! (I'm not going to go into the whole story- you can read it on a post somewhere else on here) Is it weird that I'm a little nervous? I haven't driven at all in 3 months. The closer the day has gotten, the less desire I feel to drive. Even in the midst of all the craziness of the past three months (and I do mean absolute craziness!) I've felt really peaceful, and my heart has been joyful. (I'm not a fan of the word "happy", again, explanation in a previous post) And I'm afraid for the chaos that may ensue once I am allowed back on the roads! Ok, not really. I'm just afraid of over scheduling, and wearing myself out, and not spending enough time at home keeping things clean. I want to be home more just with my family then before I lost my license. You know, we even stopped watching tv in the last 3 months? Do you have any idea how much time that leaves for other things? We got rid of the tv in our room altogether- it was becoming a total waste of space.

Ok, I'm done reflecting on the last three months... for now. :)

The Rest of It

Here it goes, folks. After this my life is pretty much out there.

It was the end of January. I had found out about a week ago that my license was suspended. I was feeling trapped, alone and isolated. I was spinning into a deep depression, fortunately I was seeing my counselor in a few days. Thoughts of suicide filled my mind constantly- I had a plan down to the last detail. I was past the point of thinking rationally, what would happen to my girls or family didn't really enter my mind. (I know this might be hard for some people to understand. The truth is I love Kevin and my girls more then anything. However I was so deep into my depression nothing mattered to me.)

Then my counselor canceled the session, and I felt really alone- there was no one willing to help me. I tried to call and reschedule- but apparently they didn't take me seriously. The downward spiral continued.

This particular day was awful. I couldn't even think straight- I was literally in the deepest pit of my life. I don't think I had even showered in a few days. I had talked to Kevin once that day and I think we fought about something, I was rather unreasonable at the time.

I think it was around 2pm. The girls were finally sleeping. So I intended to carry out my plan. I emptied every pill bottle I had out onto the counter. I'd researched online what combinations were lethal. Then I poured myself a glass of water with every intention of ending my life right then.

At the time, Kevin was at work. He said he had a feeling like he's never had before in his life. He stopped doing what he was doing, left the car he was working on still on the lift and came home. He didn't even knock on the door for me to open it when he got here- I had locked it. He jumped over onto our porch, came in the house and ran up the steps.

There I stood, glass in hand, a palm full of pills, my life and my husband before me.

Is there any question of God's goodness?

my favorite poem, my new tattoo?

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.


My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.


He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.


The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

ok, so i'm posting one more thing before i turn on one of my crappy comedies and hit the sheets. i love, love, love this poem. pretty much i love literature, and i love picking things apart and finding meaning. you know, all that nerdy, bookish stuff. 

i'm getting the last several lines of the poem tattooed sometime in the nearish future. this is why: the man (or woman) in this poem stops in the middle of the dark woods. this place is beautiful and comfortable for him, but it makes his horse uncomfortable, like "what are you doing here, this place isn't for you." and the man (or woman) realizes that he can't stay there because he has promises he needs to fulfill and "miles to go" before he sleeps. 

so, personally for me: i feel like my darkness, the depression, self loathing, anxiety, etc, is what is comfortable to me. it's my woods that is lovely, dark, and deep. but it's not my woods to stay in, that's not the truth i choose to embrace for myself anymore. i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep. and so i need to keep heading forward- keep recovering. my promises are my girls, my husband, and myself. and that's why i need to remember not to stay in those woods, they belong to someone else. 

on a closing note- i think the time is drawing near when i might be ready to share the chain of events that lead to my stay at philhaven. it's hard to tell, but it is an amazing story of God's awesomeness... so, i'm debating.  

Insomnia and Fear

I have not had one of these nights in a LONG time, as a matter of fact I have been sleeping like a baby  well for months now. (since becoming a mother- I realize sleeping like a baby is a completely ridiculous statement.)

So here I am, sitting at my computer at 12:30 am. I was laying in bed next to my snoring sleeping husband, and suddenly every noise made me jump. I was just sure someone was about to break into our house and death would be imminent. (why yes, my anxiety/imagination does get the best of me sometimes) It's kind of bizarre because I really haven't had a problem with it in so long... maybe it's because we started watching Schindler's List tonight? (I turned it off less then half way through, that's a lot to take in at once.) Perhaps all I need is a good dose of Jackass or Super Troopers. Truth: terrible, awful, horrendous comedies help me sleep, and I love them.

Lately I've had a desire for our home to be a place of peace. Have you ever walked in anywhere and just felt the calm, and peace in the room? So I'm open for ideas. :)

Discovery.

So, today I was having a conversation with a friend who came to visit me in my prison (aka- my home). Although I will be free in five days. (i know, what???) I'm going to be like a bird, so used to being caged that once the door is opened I'll just stay inside for fear of what lays beyond the bars.

Ok, enough of my melodrama. My friend and I were talking about God (a frequent topic of our conversation) and about whether relationship with Him/Christianity is about good and evil/spiritual warfare-esque things, or is it really about discovery? Can I vote discovery?

Since she left I've been thinking about all the ways I have discovered God. I discovered God in the pink flowers on a tree that bloomed the day I had my miscarriage, and how I could look at them every day and feel peace in my heart. I discovered God somewhere between my insulin and anti anxiety medicine, in the midst of all my health scares. I discovered God at Philhaven, during chapel when 20 mentally ill patients raised their voices in song. I saw God in a patient who made tissue paper flowers for his daughters, and their delighted smiles when they received them. I discover God everyday in my daughter's eyes.

That's what I want it to be about. Discovery.

And now I'm going to go discover God in this awesome thunderstorm we're having. :)

On another note- yesterday at work one of Kevin's co workers was hit in the face with a truck tire rim when the tire exploded while he was changing it. He and his family are on my heart, and I'm sure they would appreciate prayer.

Some humor after my last post...

Yesterday our neighbor gave us a bag of fresh organic produce. (yum!) It was full of spinach, and swiss chard, and parsley. Then there was this bundle of herb that I hadn't seen before. I sniffed it... AH! It must be meadow tea! We are in the middle of Amish country. So, I text my mother in law (yes, Katie, if you're reading this, I am totally throwing you under the bus... lol) a picture of the mystery herb and she concurred, it must be meadow tea. 


I was elated! Just my luck! Meadow tea on Kevin's birthday! It's his favorite! So I carefully boiled water, steeped the tea, and added sugar. (This was, after all, my first meadow tea attempt) Then I proudly carried a glass down to Kevin who was grilling asparagus and pork chops. He took a gulp, and I anxiously awaited his verdict. He looked at me, grinned his Lapp grin and said, "This is not meadow tea." 


How could this not be meadow tea? All those break cleaner fumes must have gotten to his head. So we went upstairs, and he smelled the herb I had just steeped. "It smells like pizza" he said. So I got down my jar of oregano.... we compared. Bingo. I had made oregano tea. 


My goal for this weekend: go buy some legit meadow tea leaves from the amish stand down the road so I can make him some real meadow tea. 

Lessons From the 2x4

I'm sure I've blogged before about the "2x4" truth. People don't do things to you they do them for themselves. Sounds easy enough, but for me it's been semi life changing. If that's true then it means that I don't have to take things personally, or internalize criticisms I receive. 


So, to my point, why am I bringing up 2x4 again? Perhaps to hit someone over the head with? Not today. I've been a little down lately- not feeling well, and having that "why me?", "life isn't fair" attitude. Which is weird for me because usually I take everything in stride and keep that cliched attitude that "everything happens for a reason". I felt like why is God doing this to me? 


I think it hit me yesterday. We're anxiously awaiting my liver biopsy results (assuming we get them with this biopsy and I don't have to repeat it- either way the waiting is torturous.) and I've been doing some research. They did the biopsy for to reasons 1.) to confirm auto immune hep. 2.) to see what level of damage has been done to my liver. So I guess I assumed that "liver failure" is the same as kidney and you can do something about it. However- that isn't exactly the case. Liver damage is called cirrhosis.  Cirrhosis kills you and there's pretty much no way around it. Even transplants aren't that great of an option. The survival rate after 5 years isn't that great. There's a lot of information about "end of life care" when you google "cirrhosis". 


It made me wonder if this is it. Or if it's close to it. I mean, with all my other health problems it's not like I had a great life expectancy anyway. But I was at least planning on seeing my girls graduate from high school, maybe dancing at their wedding, and having a grandchild or two. I'm not trying to be melodramatic. It's just like reality hit me from all sides yesterday. Kevin and I talked about last night. A topic we usually avoid. At my last doctor's appointment they told me it's really time that I make a living will. I just hope that I live long enough for Korinne and Khloe to know that I would never leave them on purpose, it's not my choice. It just is. 


So, after several rabbit trails, here is my point. The Lord isnt' doing anything to me. Everything is for his glory. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second is a gift. It's my choice how I use them. 

I love Birthdays.

as you can see, i have done an incredible job at keeping up with blogging... oh, wait....
anyway, this past wednesday i had my liver biopsy, if i don't have to repeat it (story to follow) i will get the results in about a week and a half.
so, story. my mom calls it "the law of kelly" that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. (haha, thanks mom) anyway, for a liver biopsy you are sedated, but not asleep. same as when i had my kidney biopsy- local anesthetic and some anti anxiety drugs and sedatives- because i had to be awake to hold my breath so they wouldn't miss. with my kidney biopsy i ended up in the hospital a week because of complications. but i had a nice roomie- so it wasn't so bad.
ANYWAY- down in the room where they were doing the liver biopsy.... the sedative hadn't kicked in- nor had the local anesthetic- and i had no warning when they stuck the needle in... so i jumped, and immediately began bleeding somewhat profusely. the doctor was pissed. she barely got any liver, and so rather then 3 samples she got only a little one. oops. so she said she couldn't go back in for more- hopefully that was enough. (yes, hopefully, indeed.)
THEN- (my poor husband) back in recovery my bp started dropping (and I was sooo out of it from the sedatives) and suddenly doctors and nurses are in the room and they literally ran me down to get a CT to see if I was bleeding. (nothing major, ptl.) Long story short, there was no lack of drama.
So I got to stay with my bff, Roxanne for a few days to recover. I also had an amazing birthday yesterday. Even though I  was technically not supposed to do anything, we went book shopping and to Starbucks. A toasted coconut frap and a few books was just what my birthday needed. Then we had yummy mushroom and artichoke lasagna for my birthday dinner. Seriously delish.
Anyway- this post may not make sense because I'm still on painkillers. Bear with me please. :)

Some Complaining and Some Freedom

Today I had a realization. I only have 22 days left in my license suspension! Hooray! It doesn't even bother my anymore. People make mistakes, and I don't feel bitter anymore. I'm actually grateful. If I had never had it suspended I wouldn't have hit the low that sent me to Philhaven, and that is an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. I wouldn't have gotten to know my mother in law better. I wouldn't have learned that contentment comes from within, and I never would have realized how many people care enough about me to make the trek to East Earl to keep me company. Who knew I had so many people I can just pick up the phone and call if I'm having a bad day? Now I'm sure I'll never find myself in the pre- hotel del Philhaven hopelessness ever again. I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself when I'm able to leave the house on my own again! Not driving for three months makes me nervous that I've forgotten how.

Now for the "complaining". I've always thought that the "right" thing to do is to keep how I'm feeling (health wise) to myself. It's wrong to stress other people out by expressing how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. Plus, who wants to hear it? Oh, well, I feel like I need to get it out, so here it goes.

First of all, I am grateful that death isn't immanent. To quote Buddah:

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” And I do feel grateful, don't get me wrong. Why am I already prefacing this defensively? I'm just going to get it out.  I'm angry. I want to know what I did to deserve to be sick all my life.  (I know, that's not how it works, but it's how I feel) I want to know what my purpose is! I want to know why!  Today I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because I have to fast all day for my surgery tomorrow. It's 9:30 and I'm already hungry.  So that's it. I'm angry and grumpy. That's my reality today.

Great Expectations

Ok, folks, this post is a proof that I am indeed crazy.
Lately I've been feeling a little "poor me", which is not normal for me. I have these expectations for other people, that I'd like them to be supportive of everything that's been going on lately. However, I hate for people to pity me, so I don't like telling other people about my health issues, I don't ever want anyone to think that I'm a complainer. Because that's not me. The other reason I don't like being real with people about my health issues, and my fears about it, is because I'm afraid of rejection, and that they won't live up to the expectations I've placed on them. Do I sound crazy yet? lol.

So where does this come from? Why do I place expectations on people? Why do I want so badly for people to care about how I'm doing? I guess that's all I want, to feel like I'm cared about. Sometimes I feel like, I care about these people and would bend over backward for them, but they won't do the same for me. That's a little bit messed up, huh? I shouldn't be doing things for people with an expectation already in my mind; an assumption that they will automatically care about me, too. So does that mean I'll stop doing things for people? Absolutely not. It just means that I really need to get over my "great expectations" for people.

I'm glad to say that recently, people in my life have completely surpassed any expectation I could have had for them. And I do feel so supported by so many people! :)

So, now I'm going to go listen to some Cee Lo (actually, the "F You" song is by far not the best on his album) he always cheers me up. I'm also going to relish every bite of food I have today because tomorrow it's a clear liquid diet to prep for my surgery on Wednesday.

Life Update

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I already know this post won't be able to reflect how I'm feeling.
I had a doctor's appointment at 7:45am- insanity, I know, but I had to get in to see a doc asap.
So, I went to the doctor for something completely different, and she happened to see the blood work I had just had done to check my liver. My family doctor had recently assured me that my liver tests weren't that abnormal, and it was nothing to worry about. However, the doctor I was seeing happened to also specialize in livers. She saw my liver tests (kind of by accident) and was shocked that my family doctor had written it off. After taking the time to look over all my recent blood work she said it looked like I have auto immune hepatitis and scheduled a liver biopsy (two days before my birthday) to confirm her diagnosis, and to see what stage of liver failure I'm in. If a liver biopsy is anything like the kidney biopsy I had, I'm in for loads of fun. How blessed am I, though, that she saw that blood work? I could have gone years and never known, until it was too late.
The other bit of news I received was that I've finally tested positive for lupus. I kind of have mixed emotions. Finally I have a diagnosis, but at the same time I don't know that I wanted to know. If that makes sense.
So yesterday was weird. I'm having two minor surgeries in the next two weeks. I got two bits of life changing news, and I don't know how I feel. How am I supposed to feel? Maybe I'm being melodramatic.  Although, I don't know if I really care that much about my liver and my lupus.  I mean, it's like my health is a job. Taking care of everything is work, and how much worse could two more things be? Or maybe I do care. Or maybe I'm too overwhelmed to really absorb it right now.
I just wonder what my purpose is. What could it be, if all I am is sick? What does God want me to do? Am I just going to die in the next 20 years and that's it? What am I supposed to do.

To My Anonymous Reader

Philhaven has a day program, it's less intense then the inpatient program, but more intense then going to therapy. There's no shame in any one of those things. A lot of people that I met in the inpatient program went into the day program, so there are lots of great people there, I'm sure. 

Being inpatient at Philhaven is nothing to worry about. I obviously understand the uncertainty and apprehension. Going there was one of the hardest things ever. Kevin and I both cried when we said goodbye. Pretty much the whole first morning I was there I cried. It was a new environment and I felt overwhelmed. However, I quickly adjusted. The staff was amazing, I got to know some really neat people, and I got to learn a lot about myself. I really appreciated the set up of the program. Rather then working with a therapist just one on one, there is group therapy, and various classes throughout the day. One of the classes is art therapy. At first I thought it was totally lame, but I have come to appreciate coloring, and its stress relieving power. :) 

Inpatient doesn't mean you're a failure, it's just a stepping stone to recovery. I fully believe recovery is possible. I seriously wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep me updated. Maybe we'll end up knowing some of the same people. :) 

quote of the day

‎"I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being." – Confuscious

life

‎"If we all knew each other's secrets, what comfort we should find." – John Churton Collins


Ever felt like you were the "only one"? Me too. When did this idea come along that we (especially mothers) need to be perfect? We struggle with anxiety, depression, health issues, and just plain bad days. Why do we have to paste a smile on our faces and act like everything is okay when really we want to scream? 


Bear with me for a moment while I express one of my theories. I feel like women are meant to support each other. To be a community, a "church", if you will. I guess women are just perpetuating what the church teaches us. Sweep the "yucky" things under the rug and only show the beautiful things. Always say the right things, and never question. As mothers and wives I guess we're supposed to grin and bear it. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids. We're supposed to appreciate it all, and do all things with joy. What if I'm not feeling joyful? Is that ok? 


Today is one of those days for me. And it's only 9am. I want to throw in the towel. My head is already pounding, and we've already had 2 melt downs. I have mounds of laundry that need folded and put away today. I need to pack- the girls and I are going to Maryland for a week-, I need to clean up the atrocious mess that is the girls' play room. Yesterday they crushed up their pretzels that I gave them for a snack, and threw them on the floor, and last night I was just too tired to vacuum last night. You know what I absolutely HATE? When I have to say something a million times before they do something. Yesterday Korinne started playing in the bathroom sink after she went to the bathroom, I literally told her 10 times to get out of the bathroom before she listened. Can you tell I'm about 30 seconds from losing my mind? Perhaps I'll end up at Philhaven... again!! lol


Anyway, even in the midst of the chaos, I'm grateful. I have some pretty great friends that I can just vent to when I need it. I've been so blessed to have ladies in my life that have the same view of "realness" that I do. Personally, I've just decided to lay all my cards on the table. Anything less would drive me crazy. I'm not a very good pretender. Stuffing things inside has only gotten me into trouble in the past, and I'm not going to go there again. 


Sometimes I feel like my identity is wrapped up in motherhood. Like all my other problems have to be pushed to the side so that I can be a good mom. Don't feel good? Suck it up. This has recently gotten me into a lot of trouble. I've felt so overwhelmed with my health issues that I haven't been taking very good care of myself. After all, I have other priorities. Our insurance changed this year, so taking care of myself also happens to not fit into our budget very well. So I thought I could just "grin and bear it" big mistake. Guess what? Now I have more. My diabetes got out of control. I have glucose toxicity, it's damaged my liver, and I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet. I've been working on it, but boy is it a process! I left the doctor's office yesterday armed with 4 prescriptions. Did I mention I just had to fill 5 of my prescriptions last week? The woman at CVS said my insurance wasn't going to cover some of them, and my bill would be several hundred dollars. I was literally in tears at the pharmacy. Fortunately, the pharmacist talked to the insurance company, and brought my bill down a couple hundred dollars. I'm still feeling stretched so thin. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. That's my reality right now. 

Spring

Spring is my least favorite season. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that I actually dread spring.

When I was 15 I was in an abusive relationship. The worst of it was in the spring.

I don't really want to get into detail, just share that there will probably be fewer posts in the next two months.

Don't worry, though, this time I won't sign off for awhile and end up at Philhaven. :)

A Quiet Thursday Afternoon

Not much to say right now. The house is quiet, and I love it.
Korinne, Khloe, and Graydon (my bff's son) are sitting on the sofa watching Megamind and munching on popcorn. We're playing the "whisper game" because Roxanne (my bff) is sleeping. Yay! I'm so glad she could catch a few winks while baby Eli is sleeping and the other kids are just hanging out.
So, I'm browsing the blog world, and thought I'd just check in and say hello. :)
Rainy days with good friends are great!

Three Hours Later

Ok, folks, bear with me. I hate posting pictures of myself. Buuut, here is my new hair cut! I took 4 inches off, it's a long bob. Colored it ash brown (a little darker then my natural color) to help neutralize the red, and added highlights. Yes, it took 3 hours. Here is the result. This is the it-was-curly-yesterday-then-I-slept-on-it look. :)

Supernatural Grace

So, I'm making a half hearted attempt to blog today, even though I'm not feeling the creative juices.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is the Holy Spirit, and grace. Lots of people, myself included, question how we're supposed to interpret/live out certain parts of the bible. For example, how do we love people who have horrible wronged us? (I hear that one a lot) I had to work a really long time to learn forgiveness. The conclusion I came to is that we as human beings sometimes just don't have it in us. I believe that, in those times, grace is extended to us, and sometimes the Holy Spirit fills in where we are lacking. I think some things are just impossible in human emotions.

In hard times in our marriage, I have prayed for love, and I have received a love that is beyond what I could feel on my own. In times where I needed grace, I received grace above what my human emotions could have given me.

So, those are just my thoughts. Hope everyone has a great day. I know I will. In a few hours I will have a new hair cut and color! I haven't had my hair "style" changed literally since high school. So I'm in for a big change!! :)

God, Kevin, and my BFF

I feel like I repeat this over and over, but this time I can use the past tense. Being home had been hard for me. I'm feeling like God switched that invisible switch in my head, and I'm feeling like myself again, like my depression has lifted. 

I blogged a few days ago about how I suddenly had my "ah ha!" moment with God about laying down my burdens. About how I don't have to just live with depression alone. I have my support group, and even better, I have my Lord, who can help me to bear the burden of  my depression. Everyone I have spoken to has said they can even tell a difference in my voice. 

So, to the point. Kevin and I were talking tonight, and he looked at me and told me that the day I had my "ah-ha" moment he had been praying for me. He knew what a hard time I'd been having, and we both knew that things couldn't stay that way. I was kind of just floating through, not feeling like myself. All four of us deserve better then that. 

I was amazed that within hours, perhaps minutes, our prayers had been answered, and he literally came home to his wife, instead of the shell I had been for the past few weeks. 

Not to downplay my amazing hubby, but one thing that has been a HUGE blessing to me has been my friendship with a wonderful woman named Roxanne. I literally cannot put into words how much I have come to love this person who I have only known a short time. I literally could not be on this journey without her. Isn't it crazy how God just puts the perfect people in your life at the perfect time?

I've just seen God's hand in my life in SO many ways lately. Can I just say that I'm even kind of grateful for my license suspension? Of course, I'd love for things to get straightened out so that I can get behind the wheel, but right now I'm embracing what my life is right now, and I'm feeling pretty blessed. 

All Of Creation

All Of Creation

MercyMe

Separated until the veil was torn 
The moment that hope was born 
and guilt was pardoned once and for all 

Captivated but no longer bound by chains 
left at an empty grave 
the sinner and the sacred resolved

and all of creation sing with me now
lift up your voice and lay your burden down
and all of creation sing with me now
fill up the heavens let his glory resound

Time has faded and we see him face to face 

every doubt erased forever we will worship the king 

Honesty and A Jesus Moment

My throat feels tight.

My feet are cold.

My eyes are tired and sore. 

I'm listening to "The Generous Mr. Lovewell" 

My kitchen could use cleaning.

The carpet could use vacuuming.

I'm probably going to make hot dogs for dinner. 

That is my truth this very moment.

I'm a broken person searching for the pieces. And yet I am whole. Did you know that this unkempt, sorrowful, broken person is also a stunning bride? A daughter who is loved by the perfect Father?

Yes, I am perfect in this very moment. That's so crazy to me. I feel like I'm supposed to act like someone I'm not. All my life have I been living for other people's expectations? What would happen if I did what I wanted, what I felt was right? Would that be freeing? I'm beginning to think so. 

I just literally this moment had an incredible revelation. I'm listening to MercyMe's The Generous Mr Lovewell cd- the song All of Creation (I'll post the lyrics). You know what? I keep thinking I need to learn coping skills (which I do) and just live with this depression. That being depressed would somehow be intertwined with my truth. But I just realized, here, sitting at my computer, with sunlight streaming in, that it doesn't have to be like that. I can simply lay my burden down. I can give it to Jesus. And I just felt an incredible weight lifted. 

To every beautiful person reading this- Be Blessed! 

My Truth for Today

Blogging has been kind of hard for me lately. There's so much going on in my brain, and I don't know how, or if I want to, put it into words. I just wrote and then deleted an entire post because it just didn't feel real. I can say lots of things, but it's just not how I'm feeling. So I'm just going to try to be real.

My emotions are a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel fine, and other times I feel like I'm heading right back toward the pit I just pulled myself out of a few weeks ago. This might sound crazy, but the pit is what I know, what is familiar and comfortable to me. In the past I've started to feel depressed and just always allowed myself to go there.

While I was at Philhaven, I crawled out of my pit. When I got home I began my recovery. At first I thought recovery sounded I little dramatic, but then I realized that's exactly what it is. I'm recovering from a deep, deep depression. I learned new skills to help me not to sink into that depression again. Of course I'm going to feel depressed again, but now I've learned that I can fight it. I might get to the edge of that pit, but I don't have to jump in.

What's hard for me is that, for a lot of people their depression has a "trigger". I guess I could say that sometimes something triggers depression for me. However, most times it seems like there's an invisible switch in my head. I'll go from being ok to being depressed with no rhyme or reason. How am I supposed to be proactive if I can't control my feelings?

I will continue to fight. When I start to get depressed, I will refuse to isolate myself. I'll talk about how I'm feeling. I know I have a support system, I know I can make a phone call, and there are people that will come spend time with me, or just talk to me if I need it. I know I have to be honest about how I'm feeling. I know that I can't beat myself up. A mantra that plays in my head is that I have everything to be happy about, but yet that's not how I feel sometimes. I've come to realize that doesn't make me unappreciative for what I have, it just is what is. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have. It doesn't mean I don't love Kevin and the girls. It's ok to feel depressed, but I don't have to take it lying down.

One more random thought. Recently a friend sent me this:

Directness

We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they are feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships. It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.

I would consider myself an honest person. At this very moment I am embracing my truth, and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Ordinarily I don't like to sugar coat things. I feel like if I care about someone, I'll be honest with them. My friend sent this to me because there is one relationship in which I feel like I can't be honest. I want to be, and my honest comes from a loving place, but this person is so closed off, and can't see past the false truth they've convinced themselves of. So this relationship is causing my to stray from my truth, and my strong belief in being true to myself.

Really, I don't have all the answers. I have struggles and I have triumphs, but I'm going to keep living, and embracing my truth.  And I'm absolutely going to keep growing and learning about myself. Isn't that the most important thing?

In Appreciation

So, we've all heard mother-in-law jokes, right? I've definitely heard my share of mother in law horror stories.

I'm married to a really wonderful guy (as I'm sure many of you are.) and I do have to be really grateful to my husband's mother for raising a son that could be as great as Kevin. :)

Anyway, my point of this post is basically realizing how important a relationship with a mother in law is. Not only is my mother in law my husbands mother, she is a person (I know it sounds lame, but sometimes I tend to just identify people as their "role" in my life.) and a kind of neat one at that.

I have to admit, I'm pretty sure we haven't liked each other every single second of the time we've known each other. However, recently I read "The Mother In Law Dance" (great, book, by the way) and it changed my perspective a little bit. I think it's always helpful to step out of my shoes and try on someone else's.

Then this Wednesday my mother in law came to stay with me. I cannot even describe how much that day meant to me. I'm always a little leery of people treating my differently after my stay at Philhaven. Either avoiding the subject all together, changing the subject if I bring it up, or over analyzing everything I say or do. She treated me like a normal person, while at the same time showing me that she really cared. Making me get out of the house even though I kind of felt like sitting on the sofa all day was the best thing for me.

So this post is in appreciation of my mother in law. I challenge you all (if you have a mother in law) to show her how much you appreciate her, even if you don't always get along. :)

How Could I Forget?

So, I've been blogging since I got home about people I met, things I'm feeling, and I'm wondering how I could have forgotten the most important person???

MY HUSBAND!

I don't know if any of you have ever gone through your own personal crisis, but let me tell you, I could not have gone through mine without my husband. This whole experience has brought us so much closer together. It's taught me a lot about love and trust, and I am so indescribably grateful for Kevin and his undying love and support. He is so quick to put me before himself, and make sacrifices to make sure I get what I need right now. Do I sound like a selfish brat? I know that this stage of my life won't last forever, but I sure am grateful to have my soul mate by my side.

My New BFF

So, recently I met a woman whose pretty cool. Have you ever met someone and just instantly clicked? That's how it was with me and my new friend. We had eerily similar circumstances, and both were in serious need of some humor injected into our lives. And we found that in each other. However you look at it, whether it was a God thing (which I believe) or the moons aligned to bring us together, we were meant to be friends. So anyway, she's coming over today and I'm frantically trying to straighten up while my girls are still sleeping! I'm so looking forward to today! :)

Correction

A few minutes ago I was left a comment from an anonymous source. Not sure if they were trying to be passive aggressive or helpful. However, The quote that I posted and gave credit to Nelson Mandela for actually belongs to someone else. Apparently it is a fairly common error- the quote is often accredited to Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural speech. I did a little digging myself, even read his 1994 inaugural speech.

So basically, all this to say, the quote actually belongs to Marianne Williamson from her 1992 book, Return to Love. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Who Am I?

I'm am....

a mother
a wife
a daughter
a sister
a friend
a diabetic
a sufferer of chronic kidney disease
an individual with a mental illness
a book lover

all these are labels i stamp onto myself. what i want to know is who i am, stripped down to the core. why is that so hard? have these labels really obscured my view of myself?  lately i've been discovering things about myself i didn't know because all these labels got in the way.

i always thought i was a shy, introverted person, and i think i can be. but you know when i'm happiest? when i'm around people, and reaching out to people i don't know and creating lasting friendships.

i think this quote really applies to my life right now:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ouselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.  There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We were born to manifest the glory of God within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we uncounsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Nelson Mandela 

i think i might be afraid of who i am. my mind can't accept that i am brilliant, gorgeous, and fabulous. you know what's interesting, when i was at philhaven and had group therapy with some pretty awesome people. we ALL held each other in the highest regard, we could easily pinpoint amazing qualities in other people, but none of us saw them in ourselves. 

A Leap of Faith

I've said it before on my blog that I've struggled with bi polar disorder and severe recurring depression for quite a long time. It was something that was kind of hard for me to talk about with other people, believe it or not. In my mind I had this idea that there was something "wrong" with me because I have a mental illness. So I guess I looked at it as something I should hide and just take medicine to "make me better". I felt the stigma very strongly, but looking back now, I think I may have been the one with the stigma. All I have gotten is the positive responses from friends that I needed. That's why I think I'm okay with saying this now.

Tuesday night I got home from a six day stay at Philhaven. Best decision of my life. At first I felt weak because I was in such a dark place that I needed serious help to pull myself out of it. By the second day there I felt proud that I was so brave to admit that I needed help, and to take the steps to get what I needed so that I could be the best mother and wife I can possibly be.

While I was there I learned lots of things. First of all I learned that Philhaven is not what people make it out to be. While I was there a doctor changed my meds and I felt better almost immediately. The days were full of classes, and group therapy, and the people were just amazing. There's nothing like being surrounded with people who have similar "issues", and realizing you aren't alone, and giving each other positive feedback. It's indescribable to have any facades stripped away, and be honest and real with other people.

I have so many stories to tell, and my heart feels like it's just bursting because of all the incredible people I met, and discoveries I made. I definitely came home with new confidence in myself. But for now I'm just taking this leap of faith and sharing and being vulnerable with the hopes that this will lead to positive feedback rather then judgments.

Loving Myself

Have you ever thought about whether you really love yourself? How hard would it be for you to come up with a list of things you like about yourself, that you're good at, or qualities you possess.

Lately I've been processing a lot that's happened in my life recently, but I'm not ready to share it with the blog world.

So really all I have to say is that I'm really working on loving myself. Not just loving myself, but saying positive things to myself. It's something important for me to do since I suffer from bi polar with severe recurring depression.

Lots of times I feel really bad about myself, and I've been learning that instead of isolating and cutting myself off from other people, I need to be proactive and be constantly acknowledging the good in myself.

Karen

Recently a met a woman who quickly became very special to me. I'll call her Karen for the sake of my story.

Karen is probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She has such a tender, gentle spirit. She also doesn't think very much of herself. In the course of our time together, I tried to encourage her as much as I could. It's funny what a little encouragement can do. She came out of her shell and became like a new person in just about 24 hours. And you know what, everyone LOVED her. She's funny and kind and just an awesome person. She is one of those people I will never forget. Even though I will probably never see her again, she will always, always be in my heart. All I did for her was write an encouraging note or two, and asked her every day how she was doing.

On the last day that I saw her, when it was time to say goodbye, she put her hand on my shoulder, and with tears in her eyes, she told me how much my encouragement had meant to her. Then, with great emotion, she whispered, "I love you." I think that moment will bring tears to my eyes for a long time. I know that "I love you" was so hard for her to say, and it was the most genuine thing I have ever experienced.

So, in honor of Karen, I challenge you to encourage someone today. It might just change their life.

The Last 6 Days

I guess I'm back(ish). The past six days were the hardest, most amazing, most challenging, and most awesome of my life.


Right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, nostalgic, and pretty ok with myself.

I'll explain more when I feel up to it.

In honor of my good friend Patrick, I leave you with the challenge to love yourself today.

Temporary Goodbye

I'm in a really bad place right now. 


I don't have anything to blog about. 


So I don't know when you'll hear from me again. 

To Do List

So, without going into detail, because detail is irrelevant. Bottom line is, this gal with a perfect driving record, never a speeding ticket, or any moving violation, never an accident that was my fault, has a suspended license. For 90 days. I'm stressed and frustrated. However, today I am trying to have a good attitude, so I have compiled a list of things I would like to accomplish in these next three months.

- Get some preschool learning materials and "home school" Korinne. (I'd like to at least teach her all her letters- to recognize all of them consistently, and know what sounds they make)

- Complete a Beth Moore 90 day bible study.

- Read a book a week.

- Take public transportation at least every other week.

- Get organized

- Walk more

- Learn to use new ingredients in my cooking / learn new cooking techniques.

- Learn to humbly ask for help when I need it.

*side note- thanks to all my wonderful friends who have offered to come hang out/ take me out when I get outrageously bored/overwhelmed. :)

Feeling Uninspired

Yesterday I had a million things I was thinking about blogging about. Today I don't have much to say.

I'm really glad I got a fresh cut and color today. I think if I hadn't gotten out of the house this morning this afternoon would have been a lot worse.

On the bright side I'll have lots of time to blog in the next 90 days.

I'm trying to have a positive outlook. I think in the end I'll be fine, it's just frustrating and daunting looking at a full 90 days of not stepping foot behind the wheel.

I can't understand our justice system. That they would punish someone for trying to take responsibility after someone else makes a mistake.

Birth Story: Khloe

I have always thought it was really interesting to hear other women's birth stories. Recently a dear friend of mine asked if I had any advice, since she is going to be having her first baby soon. Really, I think I'm the last person to give advice. My pregnancies and the birth of both of my children weren't really normal. Her question inspired me to share the birth stories of my children. I already shared about my pregnancy with Korinne, so I thought I'd start with Khloe. 

I'd been having pre term labor for awhile, but whenever I talked to my doctor about it, they were convinced it was Braxton Hicks. Weird, since I had a history of preterm labor. It really taught me that I need to be my own advocate because I know my body the best. 

It was a Monday night, and I was having so many contractions that I couldn't sleep. In the morning, Tuesday, September 2nd, we took Korinne to Jay and Becca's and headed to Women's and Babies triage because I knew something was wrong. 

At the hospital they hooked me up to monitors, but my nurse assured me I wasn't having contractions. I was so frustrated because I knew I was. My nurse was annoyed with me, because of course she knew best. I was getting ready to leave, and I stood up because I had to go to the bathroom. I thought I had peed a little bit in the bed, so I tried to cover it with the blanket because I was embarrassed. When I stood up there was a small rush of fluid. My nurse convinced me that I had just had an accident. She swabbed some of it off the floor to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid. In the meantime I went to the bathroom- and I was sure my water had broken because I still had to go to the bathroom. 

I came back to my room, and my pleasant nurse informed me that she had looked under the microscope and the fluid she had wiped off the floor wasn't amniotic fluid. I told her I was certain my water had broken and I wanted to see a doctor. She finally agreed to get a midwife to check me. The nurse looked over the midwife's shoulder as she checked me, and as she did there was another huge gush of fluid. The nurse was still insisting it wasn't amniotic fluid, because she had checked it. (i must just have an enormous bladder) The midwife looked at her in disbelief and made her go check it under the microscope. And yes, my water had broken. Just another reason why we as women have to be our own advocates!

So my water broke around 11:30. Since I was only 34 weeks pregnant, and had a hard time controlling my diabetes while I was pregnant, my doctor thought an emergency c section would be best. This was for two reasons 1.) they weren't sure if her lungs would be mature, so they wanted to get her out and to the nicu, and 2.) I had a hard time delivering a 7lb baby, so she might not fit. The OR was supposed to be ready for me by noon. 12 o'clock came and went. For the first half hour my contractions weren't too bad. Then they got really bad. I didn't even think to ask for pain medicine since I thought I would be going in for the c section soon. I don't know if I even would have been able to have any. 1 o'clock came and went, I don't even remember what I was thinking then, I felt like I was "in the zone".  :) Finally, I felt like I needed to push, and, miraculously, an OR opened up. I was fully dilated by 2pm- so this little girl wanted out! 

When I got into the OR they told me that a student, or someone in training would be doing my spinal. All I remember is that they told me like five times, "ok, honey, this will be the last contraction you feel!" and I was getting really irritable. 

After they finally got the needle and medication in, I was just really tired and out of it. They told me I would feel pulling and pressure, but I didn't really feel anything. When she was born she was quiet. They let me see her for a second and I could see them giving her oxygen. The NICU doctor told Kevin he had to come with them right away, they didn't have time to get a bracelet on her like when Korinne was born. I think if I hadn't been so out of it I would have been freaking out. 

photo credit bjf photography

I fell asleep as they were stitching me up, and taking me to recovery. After I could move my feet they took me to see my baby. ( I don't actually remember this, Kevin had to tell me about it.) Apparently they put her on my chest so I could see her (they brought me in on a bed). Then they took me to a room in couplet care, even though I couldn't have my baby with me. It was really hard for me to hear all the new mommies and their babies when I couldn't have mine. The first few days were very emotional for me. 


For about two days we didn't have a name for our baby. We hadn't been expecting her because my doctors had told me I would go to 37 weeks, so we didn't have a name picked out. I wanted to name her Laken or Ireland. Kevin wanted to stick with "k" names. (You know, Kevin, Kelly, Korinne) Finally we settled on Khloe Ireland Lapp. (Once someone at the grocery store asked her name, and then wondered if we'd named her after a soap opera character. Really?) 

Khloe stayed in the NICU for 11 days, she had some problems with blood sugar, and got all her nutrients through an iv for several days. Initially she had some breathing problems, but was ultimately able to overcome them on her own.

photo credit: bjf photography

Then she had some feeding problems.

photo credit: bjf photography

Then she came home. 

photo credit: bjf photography

And we couldn't imagine life without her! 

Trying Something New

One thing Kevin and I haven't really agreed on is what kind of church we want to go to. I was pretty set on a Mennonite church.

Today he convinced me to try ACTS, where his family goes.

I kind of liked it.

The church was so alive.

So we're going back next week.

And I'm feeling excited about our church hunt.

Exploring Relationships

So at my last therapy session I was talking to my therapist about how Kevin and both thought that we got married too young. (not that we regret it, we just recognize that we're going to have to work hard on our relationship.) It's interesting being at an age where were are supposed to be "discovering" ourselves, but we're already settled down and have a family. It's hard to relate to people our own age because most of them seem shallow, and, quite frankly, really irritating. Just because a lot of them have no life experience, like living on their own, paying rent, taking care of children, etc, and we do.  (For example, Kevin is currently customizing a pink Lamborghini with purple rims for the girls on one of his racing video games, what do you think most 22 year olds are doing tonight?)

So, back to Kevin and I, she recommended this book (that I love already) called Getting the Love You Want It's all about exploring the laws of attraction, and what part of our brains process how we feel about other people. I'm on page 20 and I'm already thoroughly hooked.  I can't wait to blog about it soon. :)

The last book I read that my doctor recommended was Suffering is Optional . Alright, so technically it's about the three core beliefs of Buddhism. Ok, ok, I know how many people are gasping in shock. Don't worry, I'm not converting. It was an amazing, life changing book. Don't be put off by the fact that it's written by a Buddhist. It's awesome.

The most important thing I learned was don't take anything personally. Everything other people say to you is a projection of one of their beliefs or assumptions and has nothing to do with you. That's what all opinions are. It's our choice to internalize what other people say. Sound easy? It is. If you do tend to take everything personally and don't think you can just adopt the idea of it being someone else's problem, not yours, sit down and take a moment for yourself. Practice some deep breathing and try to explore why it is that you need to take things personally. Can you identify that assumption/belief that you have, and probably don't even consciously think about, that makes you do that? It's crazy digging into yourself and being about to recognize your core beliefs and where they came from. 


Basically, my point is, I'm really loving this phase of life right now. Exploring and Discovery. I'm especially excited to read this new book. (I was talking to a friend this morning about how I prefer to read secular books. Want to know why? Because I feel like when a Christian writes a book there's too much theology and their perception of how a certain fact applies to a Christian, or other biblical principles. When I read a secular book I can read it through the lens of my own personal relationship with Christ, and I don't feel like someone is trying to push their beliefs on me.) 


Stay tuned for more discoveries!