Our New Years Menu

Stromboli (my family has had this every year that I can remember!)

1/2 tsp garlic powder

2 egg yolks

2 tbsp oil (olive or vegetable)

1 tsp oregano

1 tbsp parmesan

mix all of these ingredients together and spread onto store bought pizza dough (or you can make your own.)

then add:

1 layer mozzarella

1 layer ham a cola

1 layer provolone

1 layer hard salami

1 layer mozzarella

1 layer pepperoni

1 layer provolone

(a half a pound of each of these will make two stromboli's)

bake at 350 for about 20-30 minutes, until the dough is cooked.

7 (ish) Layer Dip

4 oz. cream cheese

80z sour cream

1 can refried beans

1 pack taco seasoning

1 avocado

1 tomato

1 bunch green onion

2 cups cheese (cheddar, or mexican mix, colby or jack would be good, too)

mix refried beans and taco seasoning, and layer in a baking dish. mix the cream cheese and sour cream and layer on top of the beans, then layer mashed avocado (or guacamole), diced tomato, and chopped green onion. Top with cheese. I put it under the broiler until the cheese melted (like 2 minutes) but if you want the whole thing warm bake at like 400 until the cheese melts.

Serve with corn chips. You can also modify the recipe however you like. You could add salsa, chopped bell pepper, iceburg lettuce, black beans, whatever.

Cocktail Sauce (for shrimp, of course)

2 tbsp horseradish

6 tbsp ketchup

1 tsp brown sugar

1/8 tsp lemon juice

Forgiveness, Anger, and Bitterness

For years I lived with unforgiveness. When I was 16, I was raped. For a long time I lived with a lot of anger, and a lot of hate. Sometimes I would think I had forgiven him, and then I would wake up in the morning, full of anger and hate all over again. Then I would just try and compartmentalize my feelings. I figured if I shoved it to the back of my mind, I wouldn't have to deal with it. That made things much worse, because eventually all that bitterness would be so great that it would overflow into my life! I didn't like who I was becoming inside, and I finally realized I was going to need the grace of God to help me to forgive. It was really hard, it was a conscious decision every single day. I am happy to say, that for probably about a year, I have experienced the fullness of forgiveness. Even when I think about the situation, I still know in my heart that I have forgiven him.

For me, it helped to come to the realization that forgiveness didn't mean forgetting, it didn't mean I was ok with what happened, and it didn't mean that I would ever have a relationship with him. Forgiveness was a very personal journey, and it changed who I was. For me, it was important to remember that God had forgiven me, so it is my responsibility to forgive others.

That is my successful journey to forgiveness, but in my life right now I am struggling with unforgiveness in other situations. It's difficult for me, because I think, "I forgave someone who did something terrible, so why isn't forgiving easy now?" It just isn't that way! I recently came upon this verse, and it has made my feelings so much more complex....

You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart.

1 Peter 1:22

How can I love someone that continually lies? I've come to the conclusion that that love needs to be something more than human love. It needs to be like the love God feels for us. We are all sinners, we all have a sinful nature. God hates sin. But He looks through our sin, and really sees who we are. That is the kind of love I need to find.

I need to realize that love and forgiveness don't mean that I need to become a doormat. It doesn't mean I have to surround myself with people who will continually hurt me. Just because I forgive, doesn't mean I want to continue the pattern of being hurt and lied to.

These are all the things I am struggling with in my heart. The one thing I am certain of is that I do not want to become a bitter person, so I am on a journey of forgiveness. And I think the desire to forgive is a great first step!

My Gift This Year

I have kind of neglected blogging for awhile. I really couldn't tear myself away from my family long enough this past weekend to post anything. And with as busy as we have been this week, this feels like my first free moment. Well, it really shouldn't be a free moment... but I'm making it one!
Something that has been on my mind for the last few days is how much God has met my needs in a particular area. When I got pregnant with Korinne, I lost a lot of friends. I don't think it was all intentional, but my life changed dramatically. I was suddenly a chronically ill mother, and all my friends were off at college. Then I got married and had Khloe, and suddenly I was light years away from most women my age.
Having friends was always important to me, but it seems even more important to me now that I have my own family. Sometimes I just feel like I start to get lost in the stress of life, and it's so refreshing to have other people who can relate, and keep me from losing my mind. In the past year I have noticed that God has brought some pretty amazing people into my life. After Khloe was born, Kevin's cousin Crystal came to help me out a little bit, at first I felt awkward, but we became friends REALLY fast, and now I'm pretty sure she's just the other sister God forgot to give me! :) And through getting to know her, I've gotten to know some of Kevin's extended family, and they are just amazing!
Sometimes I would still feel a little disconnected to people my own age. But then Kevin and I started going to my parents church again, and I realized I still had great friends there! I especially connected with my dear friend Val. Boy did God bring her into my life at the perfect time! I remember one night, I found myself in a particularly difficult situation, and I tearfully called her, and she was here within 10 minutes, and she came and talked to me, and prayed with me for hours! She is the kind of friend that would come over spur of the moment, and sometimes stay until 1 in the morning. Plus, my girls love her! I was (and still kind of am...) pretty heartbroken when she left.
But since then I have gotten closer to some of the other girls at my church, and God has even brought some new friends into my life!
So what I'm trying to say is, I remember last year at this time, I felt really alone. Now I look back on this year and see how God has brought people into my life. I haven't mentioned them all here, but they are all very special to me.
It's so amazing to me how God cares about the little things in my life. I don't remember ever praying for God to give me new friends, but He knew what my heart needed, and provided for me. And I am so grateful!

A Call To Prayer

I just received this e mail, and I felt like I had to share it:

Merry Christmas to each of you.  As you may have noticed, this is quite the mass email.  I have to admit that I'm quite nervous sending this.  But, I really felt led to email each of you and urge each of you to pray for our country today and into tonight.  I know it's Christmas Eve and there are so many celebrations going on and things to do to prepare for Christmas day, but I'm hoping, praying, we can take some time out from that to pray.  The lawmakers of our country have been meeting to settle a debate on the new health care bill that has been proposed.  I'm sure most of you have noticed that in the news.  Now I know that when I mention just those words "health care" a number of you may get nervous.  I am not trying to start any conflict about who thinks what and who is associated with what.  What I am doing is calling for prayer.  As I understand the situation, the House version of the health care bill included an amendment that called for no federal funding of abortion.  In the health care debate in the Senate, they did not adopt a similar amendment.  There is now conflict between the two about what should be included in regards to abortion.  So I am simply asking that we pray that whatever happens, there would be no federal funding for abortion included. Please stand with our family in prayer.

Those of you who know me know that I have struggled with my opinion on abortion. I used to be all about a woman's "right to her body", and then I got pregnant. From the moment I saw Korinne's tiny little heartbeat, I was totally smitten, and even though the doctor I saw encouraged me to abort, because of my age, I couldn't do it. 

And then things got even more complicated. It came to the point where being pregnant was endangering my health. I was told that my best option was not to further my pregnancy, or I would be risking my life. I had one of two options, I could terminate (which would have been a partial birth abortion) or I could deliver her, and hold her until she passed away, the doctor said she would live for about a half an hour. I said I would do neither. In my soul I knew I needed to hold on, I knew that she would live. I had several doctors talk to me, and I just refused to give up on my baby. 

After Korinne was born, at a miraculous 33 weeks, my doctors were left scratching their heads. None of them could explain how my body held on that long. The word "miracle" was even thrown around. :) 

However, as I read this e mail, I found the words "a woman's right to her body" floating around my head. Literally as soon as I began to entertain those thoughts, a picture of my precious Khloe popped on my computer screen saver. There she was, with tubes in her nose, and an iv stuck into her tiny body. It was then that I realized I will never be pro choice. 

God is not pro choice. 

Every life, no matter how small, deserves the chance to be lived. 

So our family will be praying tonight. We will be praying for God's will to be done. I pray that anyone reading this will be too. 

Merry Christmas. 

Chicken and Vegetable Quesadillas

This recipe is one of our absolute favorites, and it is so easy and fast!! 

about 1lb chicken (breasts or thighs, or leftovers!)

1/2 of a medium or large red onion, diced

1 cup sliced mushrooms 

about 2 cloves minced garlic

1 jar marinated artichokes (I use Goya, they're yummy, and inexpensive.)

1/2 cup diced roasted red peppers. (You can usually find them in the Italian foods section)

2 cups monterey jack or colby jack cheese

a pack of 6 or 8 inch tortillas 

My favorite thing to do with the chicken is to roast in in the oven at 350-375 for like 45 minutes with a drizzle of oil, salt and pepper, a sprinkle of garlic powder, a sprinkle of cumin, and a sprinkle of chili powder. If I'm using leftover chicken, I usually still sprinkle it with cumin, chili powder, and garlic powder. 

Then, saute the mushrooms and onion and garlic until the mushrooms are tender. (or you can certainly just put it in raw, too, but Kevin doesn't like it that way, and I prefer to cook my mushrooms!) 

Next you are ready to assemble! Just layer the mushroom/onion/garlic mixture, chicken, chopped artichokes, and diced roasted bell pepper, and sprinkle some cheese on half of a tortilla. Then fold the tortilla in half and brown on either side in a pan over medium low heat. 

I usually serve it with some sort of boxed rice, spanish is yummy. 

Questioning God

Today, I was searching the Psalms to try to find some inspiring words to calm my spirit. However, again, and again, I was drawn to the book of Job. I was challenged, and perhaps even reprimanded by God. 

Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Who determined it's dimensions and stretched out the surveying line? What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

Who kept the sea inside it's boundaries as it burst forth from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and wrapped it in thick darkness? For I locked it behind barred gates, limiting its shores. I said "this far and no farther will you come. Here your proud waves must stop!" 

Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and cause the dawn to rise in the east?

Have you made daylight spread to the ends of the earth, to bring an end to the night's wickedness? As the light approaches, the earth takes shape like clay pressed beneath a seal; it is robed in brilliant colors and stops that arm that is raised in violence. 

Job 38:2-15

This theme basically continues on for a few chapters, God pretty much telling Job, "who are you to question what I'm doing?" In the end Job responds with utter humility:

I know that you can do anything and no one can stop you. You asked, 'who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I- and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, 'Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.' I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance. 

Job 42:2-6

While I in no way compare my suffering to Job's, I feel a bit like Job may have. I feel complete humility. Who am I to question God, and ask "why me?".  I can only see what is directly before me, God sees the bigger picture. So here I sit, in the dust and ashes, no longer asking, 

'why me?', but asking the Lord to be with me as I transition from a dark place of anger, into the light of hope. 

My Struggle

After receiving some more bad news from the doctor this week, I'm giving myself permission to give in, temporarily. I'm going to stop forcing my good attitude, and just feel. I'm allowing myself to hurt. 

I want scream! I am so angry! I want to know why. I want to know why there are terrible people out there who have been blessed with good health, while I, a 21 year old mother and wife, is struggling. I want to know why it's just one thing after another!

I am not okay. I am not okay with knowing I might not be at my daughters' weddings or high school graduations. I'm not okay with missing out on their childhoods because of surgeries, or because I'm in too much pain to get out of bed, or because I'm so exhausted I can hardly get off the sofa.

I'm tired. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of putting the girls down for a nap and barely making it to my bed before the tears start. I'm tired of laying in bed with Kevin and talking about anything but the future, because the future is what scares us the most. Uncertainty is the heavy silence before we fall asleep. We're both thinking the same thing, we just can't put it into words, because we're too scared. 

I hate. I hate my doctor's who can't pin down a diagnosis. I hate when they try to sugar coat things. I hate when they are brutally honest. I hate that my own body destroys itself. 

I try to be so strong, because I know Kevin doesn't like to see my cry. I know this hurts him just as much as it hurts me, and I know he is strong for me. I know it kills him that he can't do anything. 

I know this season will pass, and my hope will come back. For now, I'm embracing this season of sorrow. This season of tears and heartache. I don't want to wallow, but I feel like if I skip this part of my journey my hope won't be complete.  

So for now this is who I am. 

Missing out on the Messiah

Out of the stump of David's family

will grow a shoot-

yes, a new Branch bearing fruit from the old root. 

And the Spirit of the Lord will rest on him-

the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, 

the Spirit of counsel and might, 

the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.

He will delight in obeying the Lord.

He will not judge by appearance 

nor make a decision based on hearsay.

He will give justice to the poor

and make fair decisions for the exploited.

The earth will shake at the force of his word, 

and one breath from his mouth will destroy the wicked.

He will wear righteousness like a belt

and truth like an undergarment.

In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together;

the leopard will lie down with the baby goat.

The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion, 

and a little child will lead them all.

Isaiah 11:1-6

The prophecies in Isaiah about the coming King are so beautiful, and full of hope! What joy people must have felt awaiting the arrival of the Messiah! However, in those days, some people expected God to send a great ruler, a king of the earthly kind. Their minds were so set on what they expected God to do, that they missed out on what He actually did. He sent His son to be raised by a carpenter, and to challenge regular people to leave their whole lives behind and follow Him.

I am challenged by these things that occurred thousands of years ago. How many times to I expect one thing from God, when really, His will for my life is not what I expected.  When Jesus challenged the disciples to leave their entire lives to follow Him, they did it! So when Jesus asks me to follow Him, why should I expect to be able to follow from the comfort of my own home? Am I no different then the people who missed out on the Messiah because He didn't come in the package they expected? 

Snowed In!!

Today was a wonderful day! Even though I have just been up for about an hour snuggling my sick little Khloe, I feel so joyful! (Maybe it's because as I sat with Khloe, I watched a neighbor shovel out his car for over an hour! And I was so thankful to be inside!) There's just something about snow!! Usually being stuck inside on a Saturday afternoon is something I hate, but today it was glorious! 

We were awoken at 7am with our precious Korinne yelling "it's snowing, it's snowing! mommy, mommy, daddy, daddy, the snow!!" Then my hubby made us all some of his yummy vanilla pancakes! (which is good old Aunt Jemima mix with a half a capful of vanilla mixed in.) After that Korinne wanted to go out in the snow, so we bundled the girls up in snow pants, and snow boots, and winter coats, and mittens...... and within 2 minutes they were done! They love snow when they can watch it while warm and toasty inside! :) 

While the girls took a nap Kevin and I made lunch together! There is nothing like grilled cheese and tomato soup on a cold, snowy day! We got to eat alone, and have a midday date while the girls napped!

Then we did something a little bittersweet, we went through all of our baby things. It is still hard for me to come to terms with not being able to have more children. I am holding on to the hope that maybe this is just for a season. Maybe at some point, in a few years, my body will be strong enough to handle another pregnancy. If not, I am eternally grateful for the two beautiful daughters I have! Every outfit we packed has memories, so, of course, I had to tell the story as we folded, and sorted! Of course I couldn't part with their "home from the NICU" outfits, but everything else is moving on to a new home, where it can make new memories for a new baby girl, and a new family! We have been so blessed, and what greater blessing is there, then to pass on the blessing to someone else??

We finished our perfect day watching my new favorite Disney movie, Ratatouille! So cute! 

And now, it's time for bed! Maybe our street will be plowed tomorrow.... Although I can't help but hope it's not, so we can spend another perfect day snowed in! 

Thank you, Father, for this wonderful blessing of snow today. 

Dear Korinne Emma

Dear little girl, do you know how much of a blessing you have been to me? I never could have guessed something so precious, so miraculous could have come from such disobedience. Did you know that you saved my life? Who would have ever checked my kidneys if I weren't pregnant? I cannot wait to tell you the story of how every single doctor told us you would die, but you were so covered in prayer, and God's mercy, that we both survived. To be honest, I never doubted for a minute. I always knew we would both be ok. The day you were born, my heart grew 5 sizes. I never knew it was capable of such intense love. 

Sometimes when I look into your eyes, I can see Jesus. How are you so wise? Somehow you always know when to give me a great big hug and say, "I wub you Mommy." And my heart instantly melts, and all stress is gone. I love when you tell me to "relax!", it's such a great reminder, and helps me to refocus. I love when you talk about Jesus, I don't always know how to explain Him to you, but somehow you know. You just know! I love hearing you talk to Jesus, it inspires me to talk to Him, too. 

Precious Korinne, sometimes you exasperate me. Sometimes your tantrums wear me out. But I always know that later I will be able to laugh about it. Just like I was able to laugh when you constantly took your diaper off in your crib, just like when I found out you snuck a pen into your room and drew all over yourself and Khloe, and just like when you dumped out a whole bottle of my brand new shampoo. 

I am eternally grateful for you, and the things you teach me every day. I am grateful that even though I'm not a perfect mother, you love me unconditionally. I am so glad I can be your comfort, and that I can make you feel safe. Thank you for making me strive to be a better person. I thank God for you every day! 

Into the Light

The more I have been examining my thoughts in these past few days, the more I have realized that I am crazy! It's so amazing to take a step back and actually look rationally at the things that go through my mind. At the risk of convincing others that I am crazy, I'm going to divulge some of my "crazy thoughts", because darkness that is brought to light can no longer hide in the darkness! 

I have an issue of reading into what other people do too much. My first impression of other people is always that they don't really like me. Usually after spending time with someone I will over-analyze what I said, and what they said. No matter what happened, I can usually convince myself that they are either mad at me, or don't like me. See, I told you, crazy! This also leads me to explore what I think is so wrong with me that other people wouldn't like me. (I won't even get into that now!!) 

I once told my good friend Val about it, and she was in total agreement that those are crazy thoughts! I'm pretty sure these untrue assumptions probably have a bigger impact on me then I think. 

On a completely different note: ever since I made the post about my fear, and put it out there that I believed it to be a spiritual fear, my fear is completely gone. Completely. My heart occasionally jumps when I hear something at night, but I think that's normal! :) That completely confirms in my mind that bringing something from darkness to light is totally freeing!! 

Thoughts

Daily I bombard myself with words. These words fill my head every moment of the day. To be completely honest, the words aren't usually very uplifting. I tell myself I'm not good enough, I'm unworthy, worthless. I am full of anger, and unforgiveness. These thoughts are condemning, impatient, destructive, harsh, and scolding. I doubt myself as a wife, and a mother. So, I am so glad that the truth is: Who I am and what I struggle with are NOT the same!

Human thought should be based on God's words. For me, human thought is not working out. Here's what the bible says about Human thought:

It is proud- and not believing in God's power. (Psalm 10:4)

It twists what others say, and plots harm (Psalm 56:5)

Thinks of sin, which causes us to sin. ( Isaiah 59:7)

It rebels and is full of evil schemes. (Isaiah 65:2)

It is dark and confused. (Romans 1:21)

I need to fill my negative mind with God's thoughts!!

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done. And Your thoughts towards us; There is none to compare with you. If I would declare and speak them, They would be too numerous to count! (Psalm 40:5)

O Lord, how great are your works! Your thoughts are very deep! (Psalm 92:5)

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! (Psalm 139:17)

As the Heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. 

(Isaiah 55:9)

I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future, and a hope.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm pretty sure the second list is more appealing. I have been on a journey of making over my "thought closet" (thanks, Jennifer Rothschild!) for months now, and sometimes I feel like my mind is no less full of worry and doubt then when I began. But, when it comes down to it, my thoughts are my choice. I have to make a choice to not allow my mind to go on "auto pilot", because my auto pilot is full of lies of the enemy.

Here is the truth I will fill my mind with today:

I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:7-8)

I have been given power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I have been chosen to be fruitful (John 15:16)

I am complete (Colosians 2:9-10)

I am secure (Romans 8:31-39)

I am being transformed. (2 Cor. 3:18)

I am spiritually alive. (Eph. 2:5)

I am God's workmanship. (Eph. 2:10)

I am welcome to draw near to God. (Eph. 3:12)

I am God's treasure (1 Peter 2:9-10)

"Me" Time

In these last few days I have struggled with frustration and guilt. I feel so guilty for not being able to take care of my family because of my foot! I am so anxious for it to feel better, and to get my stitches out!!! I am so frustrated that I can't do things! 

So, I have decided just to relax! I am giving myself permission to just be still! It was so awesome just to be able to sit on the sofa, listen to my ipod, and read! I could even watch Food Network if I wanted! It made me realize that sometimes, it's ok to just have time for myself. (And that maybe I should take time for myself more often!) 

I also forgot how nice it is to be taken care of! I'm always the one who takes care of other people, so I kind of love being spoiled by my husband! Today he pulled our mattress into the living room for the nigh so I don't have so far to go if I have to get up for a drink, or to go to the bathroom (an unfortunate side effect of the diabetes). And tonight for supper he made some delicious clam chowder from scratch! Then when he left to go hang out with his brothers tonight, he made sure I was comfy, and my foot was propped up. He brought me a book, and and some water, and made sure my tylenol, computer, and the remote were within arms reach. I felt like such a princess! :) 

So perhaps this injury is a good thing! It's reminded me to take some time for myself. 

My News

This week has not been what I expected. It has been anything but a calm, relaxing week.  But, even as I am writing this, my heart is filled with and immense sense of thankfulness. 

Well, let me start with the official news: I have type 1 diabetes. When I first talked to the doctor on Tuesday, and she told me they thought I was diabetic, I was so angry! For those of you who know me well, you know that the last four years have not been good ones, especially health wise. My senior year of high school I developed severe auto immune arthritis. I haven't ever been able to get an official diagnosis, but all my doctors seem to think it's lupus-like. Then I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (which is a fancy way of saying my immune system was attacking my thyroid). After that, I had an extremely difficult pregnancy. After Korinne was born, I had a kidney biopsy and was diagnosed with kidney disease. Then, I had a few months of extremely high doses of prednisone, which, thankfully, put me into remission! Then last Christmas I had to have my thyroid removed, along with several abnormal lymph nodes, and since then I have been struggling with getting put on a correct dose of synthetic thyroid hormone. (Although I am now finally getting close!) So now, my doctors think that my immune system has moved on to attacking my pancreas. For now they are putting me on medicine to try to give my pancreas a boost, but it is likely that I will be insulin dependent. 

But, I cannot help but feel extremely grateful! The Lord was thinking of me when he chose for me to be born in  a place where medical care is readily available. I have always had great health insurance. Every condition I have is treatable. Although it might be a little bit of a strain, we have the money for my prescriptions. God has given me life, what do I have to complain about?

I have everything to be thankful for! So please don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to whine, or complain! I am filled with joy! I have a beautiful family, and I have love! And I am so grateful to the Lord for the health that He has given me! 

A Terrifically Terrible Tuesday

Where do I begin? Monday I had some blood work done because I hadn't been feeling well lately, I was worried that my kidney disease had come out of remission. However, when my doctor called yesterday, she said it wasn't my kidneys, I was diabetic. It might not seem like a big deal, but I just felt like it was another thing to add to my list.  And it seems overwhelming, and life changing. I felt sort of responsible too, because my doctors think this was brought on by my Hashimoto's, and my thyroid (or lack thereof) being out of control.  I should know more about this by the end of the week, I had more blood tests done this morning, and I have a few more doctors appointments this week. 

Anyway, later on in the day, Kevin came home a few hours early because he wasn't feeling well. (and he never gets sick, so I was sort of worried.) 

And then the real fun began. I needed to cut up Khloe's supper, and I couldn't find a knife, so I just grabbed a cutting knife from my knife set we got as a wedding gift. After I cut her pizza, she kept grabbing for the knife, so I stuck it on the chair between my legs, with every intention of putting it away right away. Then I went to sit indian style, and tucked my right leg up, and the knife went right into the bottom of my foot.  I have never bled that much in my life. Fortunately, my quick thinking hubby tied something around my ankle, and put pressure on it, and so it slowed to a trickle by the time we got to the ER. (and thankfully my mom and sister came to watch my traumatized little girls, Korinne is still asking if my blood is going to keep "coming out") 

 All Kevin and I could do was laugh at our ridiculous day. The hospital staff must have thought we were nuts. At one point I was laughing so hard I was just about crying because Kevin was making jokes. In spite of everything, it was a really great few hours that we got to spend together. 

As for my poor foot, I have to stay off of it for awhile, I have a couple stitches. (which I'm slightly proud of, because even though I'm incredibly accident prone, broken bones are usually my thing, these are the first stitches I've ever gotten because of an injury) And we're hoping for no nerve or tendon damage, but only time will tell. 

When unexpected things happen, you just have to roll with it. There's no use sitting around moping about something you can't control. 

The Reason for the Season

I LOVE Christmas! It is absolutely my favorite holiday! I love being with family, and friends. I love picking out a tree and decorating it with my family! I love that the girls are becoming more aware of what's going on! I love creating new traditions with Kevin. Like Chinese food,  Muppet's Christmas Carol, and wrapping presents on Christmas eve, and then having my mom and dad and sisters over for brunch on Christmas Day! 

I am so grateful that we are able to get presents for the girls. At the same time, I am very aware of the mothers who aren't able to give gifts to their children, and my heart breaks for them. I know it sometimes makes me feel bad that we can't get our girls everything that other parents can, so I'm hoping that when the girls are older, we can teach them to give rather than receive at Christmas. 

I feel like God has given some people less on purpose. It's our responsibility to clothe the naked, and feed the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. While this is my favorite time of year, at the same time I'm disgusted by the materialism. Sometimes I am disgusted with my own materialism. Why do my children need 10 gifts, when some children have none? I want to give to my girls, but at the same time I want them to understand the meaning of the holiday, and not to become selfish. I think so many times, I take things for granted. I take for granted that if I burn supper, or don't feel like cooking, we can go out to eat. I even take for granted that we have food to eat, and a home to live in! I feel like it's almost sinful not to praise the Lord everyday for what I have!  

I struggle so much with how much is too much, and it's hitting me hard this holiday season. This week we were planning on finishing up our Christmas shopping for the girls, but instead, we're going to let the girls pick out a toy to give to toys for tots, and we're going to celebrate the anniversary of the greatest gift the world has ever known. 

Faith and Deeds

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, "Good bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well"- but then you don't give the person any food or clothing? What good does that do?

So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless. Now some may argue "Some people have faith; others have good deeds." But I say, "How can you show me your faith if you don't have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds."

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds us useless?

James 2:14-20 (NLT)

The other day I had a discussion with a good friend of mine about these verses. We are always told that God doesn't require anything of us, but don't these verses imply that we have to work to get into heaven? 

My personal opinion is that if we have faith, we will desire a relationship with God. And if we have a relationship with God, he will place the desire in our hearts to do good deeds. I have never had a heart for service, and in the past few months, God has given me such a strong desire to serve! If Jesus were here today, I can guarantee we wouldn't find him preaching at a huge church (I won't name any names), we would find him at a food bank, or a soup kitchen, or a homeless shelter.  That is where I would like to be found, as well. 

Rustic French Toast

I have to give credit to good old AB for this recipe! It is so scrumptious, but I don't make it often, because it's not very healthy! I made it today for lunch and the girls didn't leave any for me! :) 

8 dried out pieces of crusty bread (I buy a loaf in the bakery section when I go grocery shopping, and let it sit in its paper bag for a week before I make this, but trust me, it has got to be dry!) **you can use regular bread and leave it sit out overnight.**

1 cup cream

3 eggs

2 tbsp honey (warmed in the microwave)

a pinch of salt 

mix ingredients (except bread) you can use right away, or make the night before and let it set in the fridge overnight and become more custardy. Start heating a pan to med. heat, and let about 1-2 tbsp butter slowly melt in the the pan. (this is important, otherwise the butter will burn!) meanwhile, soak the first batch of bread one at a time in the mix (each piece gets 20-30 seconds) cook until brown and crispy on the outside. I lower the heat and slowly melt a tiny bit more butter before cooking the second batch. 

Top with a sprinkle of powdered sugar or a drizzle of warm syrup. I like mine with vanilla yogurt and berries. 

Discovering Advent

The word Advent means "coming" or "arrival". How appropriate! I can't imagine the excitement leading up to the birth of the Savior of the world! 

But what sort of significance does advent have now, two thousand years after the ultimate arrival?? I feel like it is even more significant now, than then! Not only do we get to celebrate the arrival of Jesus, but we are also anticipating the second advent,  the returning of Christ! 

Then the Kingdom of heaven will be like ten bridesmaids who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five of them were wise. The five who were foolish didn't take enough oil for their lamps, but the other five were wise enough to take along extra oil. When the bridegroom was delayed, they all become drowsy and fell asleep. 

At midnight they were roused by the shout "Look the bridegroom is coming! Come out and meet him!" 

Matthew 25:1-6

This advent season, I am filled with expectation, anticipation, preparation, and longing. I am holding tight to my lamp filled with oil! My heart is filled with the cry:

Come, O Come Emmanuel

and ransom captive Israel! 

Car Seat Give Away

Since I know a few people expecting a baby in the next year, I found a car seat give away, and I'm posting the link here! 

http://www.mrsmoneysaver.com/2009/11/britax-review-and-giveaway/

Forever

This is for you, beloved.

I thought of you as I hung on the cross. 

I saw you in your worst sin, and I stayed there. 

For you.

Ask and it shall be given to you.

I know the desires of your heart

and I will not ignore them.

I was with you in your

weakest moment

Even now, I hold you in my arms.

You are my beloved

and I am pleased with you. 

Do not hide from me any longer. 

Come and receive all that I have for you. 

Do you think your sin can separate us?

I tell you the truth, 

the deepest ocean

the highest mountain

the worst sin

could never separate us. 

Seek me and you will never be afraid.

You will never be alone.

I can conquer all. 

Drink from the spring of life

My words will heal your

wounded heart

I will 

put your broken pieces back together. 

My stripes have paid the price.

Now we will be 

together forever. 

I require nothing of you 

But to let me hold you

let me heal you

I have great plans for you! 

See that I know you by name

See that I am with you

I will be with you always

I will wipe your tears and

I will weep with you

And we will be together

forever. 

Another Holiday Recipe

Last time I made stuffing, it was a complete failure. So today for Sunday lunch, a made a roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and baked corn. And the stuffing I made turned out AMAZING!  So this is my recipe, and I'm calling it 'yummy stuffing'

Yummy Stuffing

2 loaves bread, cubed. (I used farmhouse white, and let it sit out a few hours. I also discarded the end pieces.)

1/2 a bunch of celery

1/2 of a medium onion

2 cloves garlic

2-4 sticks of butter, browned

2 eggs, beaten

salt and pepper

puree celery, onion, and garlic in a food processor, and mix with the bread. Beat the two eggs, and add to the bread and veggies, add the butter after it's browned, then sprinkle in some salt and pepper. (I said it's good, not good for you! You could probably substitute some of the butter for chicken stock) This makes VERY moist stuffing, so if you like it dryer, use 2 sticks butter, for very moist, use 4.  Bake at 350 for about an hour, or until the top is nice and crunchy! 

Thanksgiving Baked Oatmeal

I tried a new twist on baked oatmeal for Thanksgiving morning and it was scrumptious! 

3 cups quick-cooking oats

1 c. brown sugar

2 tsp baking powder

1 (heaping) tsp pumpkin pie spice 

1 tsp salt

1 cup milk

1/2 cup butter melted

2 eggs beaten (but next time I'm going to try 1 cup of pureed pumpkin) 

mix together, put in a 9x9 pan, bake at 350 for 40-45 minutes. Serve warm with milk. 

This is going to be our Thanksgiving morning tradition from now on! (Along with some Chai, of course!) 

Thanksgiving

Today as I sit with my girls watching the Macy's parade, I have been reflecting (of course) on all the things I am so very, very thankful for. 

I am thankful for my dear friends from East Pete Mennonite. I am thankful for my family, I am thankful for the Smokers, and how their children have touched my heart. I am thankful for the Orendorfs, too, and how they had us down for the most fun weekend of our whole summer! I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful that I have a place to live. I am thankful that we have enough food to eat. I am thankful that Kevin and the girls have been blessed with good health (even though Khloe seems to have been 'blessed' with my sense of balance...) I am thankful that this Christmas we will be able to get a Christmas tree, and buy the girls presents. I am so thankful for Kevin's job, and steady income. I am thankful for my doctors. I am forever thankful for the doctors at Maternal Fetal Medicine for saving Korinne's life. I am thankful to the NICU doctors and nurses who took care of my precious girls. I am thankful for people who gave so generously to us last holiday season. I'm thankful that I have shoes, and clothes. I'm thankful that when the girls need new clothes, we are able to buy them.  I am thankful for my little niece or nephew that will be here soon, and I am so thankful for Becca's smooth pregnancy. 

I am most thankful for the Lord, and the relationship I am able to have with Him. I am thankful that he teaches me new things each day, and it never gets old! I am thankful for the love of my life, Kevin. I am thankful for the love he shows me, and that the Lord has grown our love for each other over the past two years. I am so thankful for the biggest miracle of my life, Korinne. I am just as thankful for my precious Khloe. I am thankful that God entrusted me with two of his beautiful children! 

A Prayer

May God bless you with discomfort

at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, 

so that you may live deep within your heart. 

May God bless you with anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people

so that you may work for 

justice, freedom, and peace

May God bless you with tears

to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war

so that you may reach out your hand to

comfort them and turn their pain to joy

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you can make a difference in the world, 

so that you can do what others claim 

cannot be done. 

Amen.

Beach Pictures, As Promised

We didn't take our camera to the beach, until Monday when it was really cold and rainy! So this is our only pic of the girls at the beach! 

Korinne walking the block and a half to the beach:
Korinne chasing Khloe.... 
Silly Khloe....

Beach Weekend

This is going to be short, because I need to get back to my beach weekend with my family! I so wish I would have been taking pictures (but I can probably count on my sisters in law for that..)  It has been so much fun spending time with family!  Last night we had Thanksgiving dinner (yum!) and played marbles. It was a rough night with the girls, but really we were just trying to prepare Jay and Becca for their life in a few months. :) 

This morning Korinne and I took a walk on the beach and she LOVED picking up shells! Yesterday when we first took her to the beach, we could hardly get her out of the water, she LOVED wading! (even though the water was frigid!) This afternoon the girls did some shopping, and then Kevin and I took a much needed nap! It's rare for me to have a guilt-free nap in the afternoon, but I loved having nothing to do, and just being able to sleep for an hour! 

I can't wait to go for a walk with the girls tomorrow morning!  It's been so relaxing being away, and knowing that I'm going home to a clean apartment! Plus, there's always the fun of Kevin having a 3 day work week, and midnight shopping on Black Friday to look forward to! :)

A Love Song

So, maybe I'm just kind of dense, but as I listened to this song for the umpteenth time I realized it is a love song. From Jesus to me. And it was really powerful.

I've heard a tale that a man would climb a mountain

Just to be with the one he loves

How many times has he broken that promise?

It has never been done

I never climbed the highest mountain

but I walked the hill of calvary

Just to be with you 

I would do anything 

There's no price I would not pay

Just to be with you, I would give everything

I would give my life away

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean

just to be with the one he loves

All of those dreams are an empty motion

It can never be done

I never swam the deepest ocean

But I walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you

I would do anything

There's no price I would not pay

Just to be with you I would give everything

I would give my life away

And I know that you don't understand the fullness of my love

How I died upon the cross for your sin

And I know that you don't realize how much that I give

and I promise I would do it all again

Just to be with you I have done everything

there's no price I did not pay

Just to be with you I gave everything

yes, I gave my life away 

(Third Day)

To A Girl I Don't Know

Dear Friend,

I don't know you, but I'm praying for you. My heart is heavy for you. Many of us have walked this road before you, and all of our stories are different. I wish that I could tell you "it will be ok", because it will never be ok. But it will get easier. Eventually you won't think about it everyday, and your dreams won't be haunted every night. 

For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd. 

He will lead them to springs of life-giving water.

And God will wipe every tear from their eyes

Revelation 7:17

Believe. Believe that God has something more than this pain for you. You might never know why, but you can be certain that God will be faithful to you as he heals you from the inside. 

Conquering Fear

Psalm 34

I will praise the Lord at all times.

I will constantly speak his praises

I will boast only in the Lord;

let all who are helpless take heart.

Come, let us tell of the Lord's greatness;

let us exalt his name together. 

I prayed to the Lord and he answered me. 

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be

radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

In my desperation I prayed, and the 

Lord listened;

he saved me from all my troubles.

For the angel of the Lord is a guard;

he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Fear the Lord, you his godly people, 

for those who fear him will have all

they need.

Even strong young lions sometimes go

hungry,

but those who trust in the Lord will 

lack no good thing. 

Come, my children, and listen to me, 

and I will teach you to fear the Lord.

Does anyone want to live a life

that is long and prosperous?

Then keep your tongue from speaking evil

and your lips from telling lies! 

Turn away from evil and do good. 

Search for peace, and work to 

maintain it. 

The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;

his ears are open to their cries for help.

But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;

he will erase their memory from the earth. 

The Lord hears his people when the 

call to him for help. 

He rescues them from their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;

he rescues those whose spirits are

crushed.

The righteous person faces many troubles,

but the Lord comes to the rescue every time.

For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;

not one of them is broken!

Calamity will surely overtake the wicked,

and those who hate the righteous will be punished.

But the Lord will redeem those who serve him.

No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned. 

Spiritual Warfare

This is a story of something that happened to be about a year ago. I haven't shared it with many people, but I'm hoping that in bringing it to light, I will gain some freedom. 

First, as a little background, the summer after my freshman year in high school, I participated in STAT, a short term missions program through EMM. There was a girl on my team who had been heavily involved in witchcraft, and her immediate family were still practicing witchcraft. 

It has been since that time that I have struggled with spiritual warfare, along with my gift of discernment, and sensitivity toward spiritual things. 

Anyway, about a year ago, when we were still living in Lancaster city, I had a powerful demonic experience. It was early in the morning, and Kevin had left for work, and I was just waking up, and all of a sudden I felt something holding me into my bed, and I saw a physical manifestation of evil beside my bed. Now, I have always had "spiritual dreams" (or nightmares rather) but I had never experienced anything so terrifying. As soon as it was over, I got up, grabbed the girls and left our apartment. 

That night my parents and our pastor and his wife came over and prayed over our apartment. We prayed in every room, and as we were praying, I felt hot and prickly and very afraid. The more we prayed, the worse it got. 

The next day I received some prophecy from a friend of my pastor's aunt, who I have never met, and didn't know much about the situation. She said that the problem was not our apartment, it was me. She said it was a connection I had with someone involved in witchcraft.

That, my friend, is scary. It is scary to be fighting something that is not of this world. 

Last night I was having an intense struggle with my fear, and this morning I woke up with a thought, my fear is not my own. At first I thought it was a ridiculous thing to think, of course a feeling that I'm having is my own! But the more I prayed about it, the more I realized that it was true. I think my fear is a form of spiritual warfare. I think my fear is a spiritual fear, not a worldly emotion. That's why I can't just get over my fear, I have to fight this fear, because this fear is from the devil. 

So today I am praying that tonight, when my fear hits me full force, I will be able to remember what God has shown me in the light of day. Today I am embracing my spiritual sensitivity, and tonight I will fight my fear, because I know I'm not alone.  

Discernment and Fear

Whenever I have taken a spiritual gifts assessment I have always scored highest in discernment. If I am being totally honest, I would say that I wish I could give it back, and trade for something like mercy, or hospitality.  Because, I also have a "thorn", which does not go well with my gift. 

I have always struggled immensely with fear. Not just fear, but heart pounding, breaking-into-a-cold-sweat, afraid-of-my-own-shadow fear. 

Because of this fear, I have to have a light on when I sleep. I hate being home alone, especially after it's dark. I can't go back to sleep after Kevin goes to work. I always have to have our doors locked, and blinds shut, especially at night. If I ever have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, it is an ordeal. I have to turn on every single light on the way to the bathroom, and when I turn the last one off on my way back to bed, I have to make a run for it, and dive into bed next to my husband. And I'm not even going to get started on when I hear noises at night. 

Seriously, it is so bad, that I can't even use a food processor or mixer when Kevin isn't home, because while it's making noise I can just imagine something sneaking up behind me. I have debilitating fear. 

Let me tell you, this fear does not mix with the gift of sensing the presence of evil. I have sensed evil, I have physically felt evil, and I have seen evil with my eyes. 

I wish that I could say a prayer and my fear would be gone, but I can't. I wish I could stand up to the evil I sense and smack it over the head with my bible, but, up until this point, I have not been able to. 

It's only been recently that I have been fighting my fear, and the more I fight it, the "worse" it gets. I guess I would say the more I fight it, the more sensitive my 'discernment' becomes.  If I am to use this gift, I need to shed this dark cloud of fear. 

I would covet prayers as I am beginning this journey of fighting my fear and embracing my gift, because honestly, I don't know where to begin. I have plastered my walls with scripture pertaining to fear. But if anyone is reading this and has any verses, I would greatly appreciate it. Tomorrow I am going to do a little more biblical wallpapering. 

Marriage

Today I have been thinking about marriage. I was thinking about all the preconceived notions people have about being starry eyed forever. I have been thinking about all the times Kevin and I have fought, and how much more in love with him I am after we make up. I am thinking how when we started dating I worked out and ran, and he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful even after I have the body of a woman who has given birth to two children. 

Sometimes we feel a million miles away, and it seems like we just fail to connect, but I take heart, because I know it will pass. 

I remember when we were planning our wedding, we wanted to skip the whole sappy love stuff. We wanted to focus on loving each other for who we are right now, not who we wanted each other to be, or who we would be in a few years. 

So, these are the readings we chose for our wedding. Not things that were sickeningly sweet, but things that were real, and things that spoke to what we thought love was. 

Here are some of my favorite:

Sonnet CXVI

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when alterations find

Or bends with the remover to remove 

O, no! It is an ever fixed mark, 

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark, 

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this is error, and upon be prov'd 

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd 

(from "letters to a young poet")

And another thing. Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.... That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned away, and this is an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we found that we were one tree, and not two. 

From Corelli's Mandolin, Louise DeBernieres 

Love isn't going out for a fancy dinner. Love is ordering take out and laughing about the supper I just ruined. Love isn't long romantic dates. Love is finding those few moments alone together everyday to learn about each other. Love isn't always a feeling. Love is a choice. And I love my husband. 

Roasted Butternut Squash Soup

I came up with this recipe last night, I had been planning on following a recipe, and then I thought, we can just get take out if I mess up too bad! But it was DELISH! 

2 md. butternut squash (you can peel it and cube it so it roasts faster, or just cut in half and seed)

1 1/2 cup onion diced

2 carrots diced (not baby carrots, the regular ones)

salt & pepper

a pinch of ginger

a pinch of nutmeg

1/2 cup heavy cream

4 tbsp butter, divided

olive oil

chicken stock 

sour cream, for garnish. (don't skip, it's yummy!) 

preheat the oven to 350. mix 2 tbsp melted butter and olive oil. roast the squash until tender, periodically brushing with butter/olive oil mixture. (the oil keeps the butter from burning). 

meanwhile, saute the onions and carrots in olive oil until tender, and season with salt and pepper. 

I used my immersion blender to blend the veggies, and then added hot chicken stock until it was decent consistency. Then add the cream, a pinch or two of ginger, and just a pinch of nutmeg. Then I cut up the last two tablespoons of butter and melted it into the soup right before serving, and put a dollop of sour cream in every bowl.  YUM! 

Fellowship

I just had to write a quick post about this evening. A few friends from church and I are starting a small group type thing. I was so encouraged and refreshed talking to those ladies! They are such an inspiration! It is so amazing to see how far we all have come since we were younger! I love to see what God is doing in their lives, and in our church. 

I'm so glad I have these wonderful women of God to pray with, and share with, and to hang out with! 

I also made a discovery tonight, I love love love praying for these ladies! 

I'm so looking forward to many more Wednesdays of fellowship. 

A Difficult Road

Lately I am almost constantly reading passages of warning, and about the end times. At the risk of sounding silly, I truly believe that we are closer to the return of Christ than ever. I think that a lot of Christians, myself included, need to step up. 

When I was younger I alway believed that all I had to do was ask Jesus into my heart, and I would have a permanent spot in heaven. While I do believe accepting Jesus as Lord is an important step, I feel like sometimes we fail to see that our everyday journey also must be a testimony to God. 

When Jesus commands us to "take up our cross, and follow" (matt. 16:24)  I don't think He meant when it was convenient, or only on Sunday. 

When Jesus said 

"You can enter God's Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose this way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."

I don't think he meant "Oh, just invite me into your heart, and sit through a sermon on Sundays, and you're good to go"

I think I need to challenge myself to seek God constantly, and to search high and low for that narrow road. I think I also need to help other people find it, too. After all, what good is it to walk a difficult road if you're walking it alone?

I want to add these verses from Timothy to my post, as well. I don't really have much to say about them, other than something in my heart stirs when I read it. It's something I can't even explain with words.

Charge In Light Of The Last Days

You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! 

They are the kind who work their way into people's homes and win the confidence of vulnerable women who are burdened with the guilt of sin and controlled by various desires. (Such women are forever followers of new teachings, but they are never able to understand the truth) These teachers oppose the trust just as Jannes and Jambres [Egyptian sorcerers who opposed Moses] opposed Moses. They have depraved minds and a counterfeit faith. But they won't get away with this for long. Someday everyone will recognize what fools they are."

2 Timothy 3:1-9