Discernment and Fear

Whenever I have taken a spiritual gifts assessment I have always scored highest in discernment. If I am being totally honest, I would say that I wish I could give it back, and trade for something like mercy, or hospitality.  Because, I also have a "thorn", which does not go well with my gift. 

I have always struggled immensely with fear. Not just fear, but heart pounding, breaking-into-a-cold-sweat, afraid-of-my-own-shadow fear. 

Because of this fear, I have to have a light on when I sleep. I hate being home alone, especially after it's dark. I can't go back to sleep after Kevin goes to work. I always have to have our doors locked, and blinds shut, especially at night. If I ever have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, it is an ordeal. I have to turn on every single light on the way to the bathroom, and when I turn the last one off on my way back to bed, I have to make a run for it, and dive into bed next to my husband. And I'm not even going to get started on when I hear noises at night. 

Seriously, it is so bad, that I can't even use a food processor or mixer when Kevin isn't home, because while it's making noise I can just imagine something sneaking up behind me. I have debilitating fear. 

Let me tell you, this fear does not mix with the gift of sensing the presence of evil. I have sensed evil, I have physically felt evil, and I have seen evil with my eyes. 

I wish that I could say a prayer and my fear would be gone, but I can't. I wish I could stand up to the evil I sense and smack it over the head with my bible, but, up until this point, I have not been able to. 

It's only been recently that I have been fighting my fear, and the more I fight it, the "worse" it gets. I guess I would say the more I fight it, the more sensitive my 'discernment' becomes.  If I am to use this gift, I need to shed this dark cloud of fear. 

I would covet prayers as I am beginning this journey of fighting my fear and embracing my gift, because honestly, I don't know where to begin. I have plastered my walls with scripture pertaining to fear. But if anyone is reading this and has any verses, I would greatly appreciate it. Tomorrow I am going to do a little more biblical wallpapering.