A Lesson in Being Grateful

This Christmas is was so important for me to make sure my girls didn't get the "gimmies" it's so hard for me to have them asking for things and having an attitude of ungratefulness. Don't they realize how hard their daddy works for everything we have? How can they not SEE how lucky they are? Oh, right, because they're 2 and 3...
However, it occurred to me that it's my responsibility to model that attitude. Too often we get caught up in the small inconveniences. "my husband has to work late..", "I'm having a health issue.",
I get caught up, too. It's easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling bad for myself, especially when a new health issue crops up. (many of you know I have an auto immune disorder similar to lupus that has affected several of my organs) Or when I don't feel the people in my life are living up to MY standards. What a selfish brat I must seem like to the Lord, especially after all he has given to me. So I've made a conscious decision to change myself. I'm going to adopt an attitude of gratefulness, I'm posting reminders around my house of all the things I have to be grateful for. Here is a sample:
My husbands job
For my children (all 3 of them!)
Health insurance
Easy access to healthcare
A roof over my head
Heat
The ability to "run" to the grocery store if we need something
A Lord that extends grace when I'm ungrateful

A Broken Heart

It's 1am one one of those nights where I can't sleep. For a long time now I have been plagued by a broken heart. My heart is broken for every family who doesn't have a Christmas tree. My heart is broken for every parent who doesn't know where their child's next
meal is coming from. My heart breaks for every family that is close to losing their home.
I've realized that while there are all sorts of agencies to help those in need, there are still a lot of people out there who are judgmental of people who are less fortunate. They assume
that it's people's own mistakes that have gotten them where they are. Let's be honest, who ISN'T a few financial mistakes away from hardship? Is it
our job to judge struggling families,
or is it our job to feed the hungry and clothe the naked, no matter how they got there? I must have missed the part in the Bible that we should first decide who is deserving before we give.
For a long time I prayed for Jesus to show me His heart. Now that I have seen it I'm sure I didn't know what I was asking for.
I hate to cry, I hate for other people
to see me cry. Now everything makes me cry. I cry for people I don't even know! I cry when I see a child with a runny nose and no winter coat. I got a
lump in my throat when I heard of an organization who gives dolls to little girls for Christmas; they had a list of 65 little girls and only 3 dolls.
For some reason this Christmas it's hit me extra hard. I am repulsed by how much I have complained over the past year. We don't have money for this, I don't have time for that. Bottom
line, I am BLESSED beyond belief. I have more then enough.
I've been really challenged in the last
few months about how much is enough. And in the past few weeks I think I've found some answers to that.
My heart breaks for the Lord's people who need help, and I know my heart has been broken for a reason. I'm still trying to figure out where this journey of feeling the need to live simply, and give as much as I can, is leading me. But I am so glad that I'm aware now. So, I thank you, Lord, for this broken heart of mine.

A Bittersweet Christmas

I L-O-V-E Christmas. It is absolutely without a doubt my favorite holiday. I think I would have a tree, decorations, and Christmas music playing on the first day I feel a hint of chill in the fall. I love sitting under a blanket with my (now sugar free) hot chocolate reading a book, or just looking at our newly decorated tree. I have always loved Christmas. I think the thing I love best is spending time with family partaking in traditions.
How ironic, then, that I have married one of the biggest Scrooges there is. Christmas music is banned in his presence. The first year we were married he didn't even want a tree! But a few days before Christmas I convinced him. The second year we got one a whole WEEK before Christmas! This year he agreed to a tree in the first week of December, not only that but he drove around Lancaster County for several hours until we found the "perfect" tree. And then shopped for decorations with me! :) I think my Christmas spirit is rubbing off on him.
Or it might be because he knows this is going to be a hard Christmas for us. This Christmas would be our baby girl's first Christmas. (She wasn't due until mid January- but I'll never carry a baby to term.) So when I look at our tree this year and see Korinne and Khloe's "first Christmas" ornaments it's hard.
The other day I was looking at the baby ornaments, thinking there will always be a missing "baby's first" because baby Kiana will never have a first Christmas. Then I realized I CAN get Kiana her own ornament and stocking, because it IS her first Christmas, she's just spending it with Jesus instead of us. And that's the hardest thing for me to swallow.

The Ultimate Love

What would Christ be like if he were on earth today? Would we find him worshiping at a large church with dry ice, and a band, selling coffee in the lobby? Would he hang out with rich men?
I've often wondered what it looks like to live in the world, but not to be of the world. So many times I've been told to beware of the "company you keep." now, I'm not a bible scholar, but I don't remember those words coming out of Jesus' mouth. Not only did he hang out with sinners and thieves, but I think he was a genuine friend. He didn't spend time with them and then complain about them to his disciples. He didn't adopt a superior attitude or treat them
in a condescending manor, although he certainly could have.
My Jesus didn't live in a comfortable home, and he lived off the charity of others. (which, ironically, is frowned upon in today's society) My Jesus is the purest kind of love. It hit me last night, as I drove to wal mart at 10:30 at night, in 34 degree weather) that my Jesus wouldn't be in a nice warm SUV, looking forward to returning home, hopping in his bed with flannel sheets, and cracking open a book. He would be outside with the people who needed hope and love; people who needed him. I was convicted about how dependent I have come on my worldly comforts. I want to be more like my Jesus, but I don't know what that looks like right now.
I also realized that my opinion might not be a popular one. After all, Jesus had many parts, and if everyone chose to live like the poor Jesus who hung out with criminals, well, it wouldn't be practical. THAT is when it hit me that Christians are all a part of the BODY of Christ. Maybe each of us sees/is convicted in a different part of Christ. To some of us He's a teacher, and that's what we feel convicted in. To others he's a healer, and that's what we feel convicted to do with our lives. Doesn't that make sense? If each of us understood Jesus in the same way there would be nothing to learn from each other. But quite the opposite is true, I think we can learn so much about the awesome Love that is Jesus if we just take the time to listen.

Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip and Toasted Walnut Muffins

>

> Lately I've been doing a lot of baking. Especially with pumpkin, I felt the need to convince Kevin that he didn't ONLY like pumpkin in pumpkin pie, and I won. :) Here is one of his favorite recipes. And, yes, I invented this recipe, although I got the idea from
> a friend.
> Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip and Toasted Walnut Muffins
>
> Dry Ingredients
> 1 2/3 c flour
> 1 c granulated sugar
> 1/2 tsp cinnamon
> 2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
> 1 tsp baking soda
> 1/4 tap baking powder
> 1/4 tsp salt
>
> Wet Ingredients
>
> 2 eggs
> 1/2 c melted butter
1 c pumpkin purée
>
> Other
>
> 3/4 c white chocolate chips
> 1/2 c chopped toasted (opt.) walnuts
> (to toast place in a skillet over med high heat until they smell nutty. you can use un toasted)
>
> Mix wet and dry ingredients separately. Add chocolate and nuts to the wet ingredients, and mix. Combine wet and dry, but do not over mix. I don't use my kitchenaid for this, just mix by hand so I don't accidentally over mix the batter.
> Bake in a greased (or use liners) muffin tin at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.
> Delish!
>

somewhat disorganized thoughts on my true self

Fake:
(verb) to conceal the defects of or to make more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc. Usually in order to deceive.

A lot of people act like they're perfect. They want their outsides to reflect something their insides aren't. The truth is, everyone is a little cracked or
dented; a little nuts sometimes.
So if none of us are perfect, why do so many people pretend to be?
This post might seem a little bit repetitive, but I can't help what's been on my heart lately. I just have this overwhelming feeling of God's desire for Christians to feel like a community. (why, yes, I did go to lmh) But the only way we can grow and support each other is if we're brutally honest.
I'm not going to lie, honesty scares me to death. I'm afraid if I admit how my days truly unfold sometimes I would be labeled a bad mother, or a bad wife. I think those feelings are especially raw to me because I HAVE been labeled as these things before, by people who should have been loving and supporting me. And, upon further review of myself, I have had an extremely difficult time with forgiveness in that situation. But, right now that's neither here nor there.
My challenge to myself is to get to that place of honesty, where it doesn't matter what other people think. A place where my identity is so buried in God's truth I'll be secure regardless what anyone thinks of where I've been, where I am, or where I'm headed.
My truth right now is that I'm on a journey. I've discovered that I have shoved a lot of hurt and a lot of lies about myself into a space somewhere inside me, and Jesus and my pain-space can't exist together. So in the next few months I'm going to be challenged to revisit some not so nice times to improve my mental and soul health. Well, that's part of it. I'm not ready to throw it all out there yet, but I'm confident I'll get there.
I'm so thankful for my husband's kind and gentle encouragement toward growth for me. It's awesome how a time of turmoil has turned out to be so amazing for the growth and deepening of our relationship.

Learning to be ME

The past several weeks have been a little stressful here at the Lapp home.
I find myself facing more challenges,
and to be honest, I'm not sure how we're going to deal with them.
Now, I'm not complaining, I'm so thankful for the roof over my head, and the fact that I'm not wondering where my next meal will come from. But I've definitely been challenged emotionally.
I've begun to question what is real,
what is really real. To borrow a word from another blog I read, what is authentic. Lately I've spoken to some
of my awesome Godly women friends, and we've all had the same frustration,
feeling like there's an expectation for us to "be" a certain way. We get together in places of fellowship where
we should be REAL, and find ourselves acting like we don't yell at
our children in frustration sometimes, like we don't fight with our husbands, like we're model Christian women who don't struggle with self esteem, body image, depression, or anything else.
I want to break that mold, I want to find
the woman inside of me that is whole,
and righteous because of Christ. I want to be honest about my weaknesses, and not be afraid of what other people might think. I feel like there is so much power, and freedom, and healing in being genuine. I can't be wholly who I'm supposed to be until I get there. I hope I will get there.
Maybe day by day I'll get a little more
honest about me. It's scary though, because I've definitely built a wall around my secrets. Things in my
past, and my present that I think I need to be ashamed of. That lie has only flourished in the darkness I keep it in.
There is power and light in truth, in what is real, and what is authentic and genuine. So, I'll try to keep up with my
blog as I embark on conquering this new challenge that stands before me. And hopefully soon I'll find the courage to step out in faith and expose more of my personal truth.

One Of Those Nights

Well, it's one of those nights. One of those nights when my husband is fast asleep (and I should be, too) but I find myself awake and thinking of my baby. Nights like these have felt all too common since July 1st, when I miscarried our little girl, Kiana Elise. When the whole world is quiet around me, my heart aches for my little girl. In my soul I know that she is in heaven, and God has a greater plan, and that she was never meant to be here with us, but it still hurts, and the tears still come. They come most often in the middle of the night, and I hate it. I don't want to seem like I don't trust in God's plan and his timing, because I do. I'm constantly reminded on nights like these that the sorrow will only last for the night, and in the morning I will feel better. My heart will be filled with joy when my two beautiful girls that God has chosen to give me on this earth wake up (hopefully not too early!) and fill our house will their sunshine. The thing I hold close to me is the truth that I know: my little Kiana, God's princess, is praising her Father in heaven as I weep for her on earth.
The other day Korinne told me that her little sister is in Jesus' castle. I love moments like that. Moments that remind me that our baby is in a better place, my miracle on earth reminding me of my miracle in heaven.

Joy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Probably mostly because I've found myself perpetually grumpy. I've found myself buying the lie that my circumstances are making me unhappy. I've been feeling tired and sick, and I'm finding myself at doctor after doctor; leaving with no more answers then I came with. The mantra in my mind is "oh, woe is me".
AND THEN- I snapped out of it. It probably went something like this,
'Really, Kelly? YOU are "unhappy"? You who can just run to the doctor and be treated when you don't feel good. YOU who let your prescription run out and then complain about not feeling good?? YOU who have a roof over your head? YOU who has a pantry and a refrigerator full of food? YOU who have clothes to wear? YOU who have 2 healthy children and a wonderful, loving husband?"
Yes, I am an ungrateful, sulking child. And I found myself whining, "but i want to be happy!"
Let me tell you, friend. Happiness is a myth. Happiness is of this world. Happiness is a sick lie that is reliant on circumstances. Let me tell you what I have found. I have found JOY. My joy can't be diminished by my daily circumstances. My joy doesn't waver on the days I don't feel good, my joy doesn't even waver on the days when I'm mourning the baby we lost. My JOY is in the Lord, and it transcends circumstance.
So, dear reader, today I'm turning my back on superficial, worldly happiness, and turning my face to the JOY that is not of this earth.

Recently I've been reminded how forgetful I am. I've been stressed and not feeling good, and I've found myself less then patient with Korinne and Khloe. Then I remember. Korinne isn't even supposed to be here. Khloe is a miracle as well. So now I'm trying to constantly remind myself how I felt when I sat in the hospital and was told what to expect, and how my daughter would die. I am so blessed. I don't deserve such a miracle.
I'm so glad for this reminder, and I'm so grateful for my daughter. I'm grateful the Lord gave me the chance to have these rough parenting moments, and I'm grateful I have the opportunity to practice patience.

A Garden and A Blessing

I cannot even begin to describe how blessed we are with amazing neighbors. Yesterday I was having a rough day with the girls, and around 10 Malinda called me and asked if I'd like a gardening lesson. (of course!) I went out and she had made a place for me to have a garden, complete with a stepping stone. And she even made a tiny garden for the girls to play in! It was so fun planting things and learning about gardening! I can't wait until the plants start growing! I can't wait to be able to go out and pick some veggies for supper! and I really can't wait to dig up the potatoes!

Even though we have only been here about two months, Malinda has been such a blessing to me. She has been encouraging to me as a mother, and she has been so gracious in teaching me. I really appreciate her gentle spirit. I just feel blessed beyond measure to have these people in our lives!

My Body: God's Temple

It's days like today I get frustrated with the body God has given me. I get frustrated that it doesn't work the way other people's does. I'm reminded that when I'm feeling good and do everyday things that everyone else does, I have to pay for it later.

And then I remembered the powerful word I got last week. It wasn't even for me, it was for a friend. I was driving in my car, and felt a word for a friend of mine that was so powerful it brought me to tears (which, for me, isn't unusual) I was reminded of the scripture that says God knit us together in our mother's womb. And I knew then, that with his own hands God had created my kidneys that don't work quite right, my immune system that mistakes my own body as the enemy. He created me that way. And if I am God's temple, and if my malfunctioning body is good enough for him, then certainly it is good enough for me, and he made me like this for a reason.

My Journey

I've shared on my blog before my struggle with spiritual warfare. It's something that's been very real, very powerful, and very scary in my life. A few weeks ago I mustered up the courage to talk to a dear lady from my church about a recent dream that I had. After that, I was able to meet with one of her friends, and another woman. They are three of the most amazing women I have ever met! I went into the meeting with no idea how intense it would be. I'm a crier, and my only goal was to make it through without crying... it didn't work!

I found SO MUCH freedom that day. Freedom from things I didn't even know I needed freedom from! The most amazing thing to me was realizing all the LIES I believed about God. He is not an angry God, and I don't need to earn his love. And you know what, He HAS created in me a pure heart. Thinking of myself as PURE was just an amazing, amazing revelation. I think before, if anyone had come up to me and said "I have a pure heart" I would have kind of laughed at them, no one has a pure heart. But we BECOME pure through Christ.

I came away from this meeting excited to see how God is going to use me. When I think about it, I see a little girl holding her father's hand, and he is leading her somewhere unknown, but it's ok, because he is going before her. That's me (well, all of us really) I might be going somewhere unknown, but my Dad is going before me. So, I'm going to finish my story on another post, right now I'm feeling like posting some truths about my Father.

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.

Hebrews 4:12-13

You have been with me from birth; from my mother's womb you have cared for me. No wonder I am always praising you!

Psalm 71:6

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God, our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.

James 1:17

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered Heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands out weaknesses, for he faced the same testings we do, but he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:14-16

Bullies

When you think of a bully, what comes to your mind? A big kid on the playground pushing a child younger than him? Doesn't it seem as though that's where bullying should end?

Isn't it sad that those bullies only get older, and start using their words and manipulation rather than their fists?

Something I've struggled with is the line between extending grace to people and allowing myself to be walked all over. In trying to find that line, I have discovered that sometimes allowing relationships to die is the only healthy thing to do. And let me tell you, in the last few days, I have realized that sometimes that's an incredibly freeing thing!

If you search the scriptures, there are numerous verses cautioning Christians about keeping the company of liars and cheaters (or bullies..). Part of me feels that in cutting a person out, I am giving up on my opportunity to witness.

However, it is NOT God's will for our life to be manipulated and belittled.

A Message of Caution

For a long time I have had spiritual dreams. A lot of times they scare me to death, and I try to forget about them, rather than search for a meaning. Early this morning I had probably the scariest dream ever. There wasn't anything particularly horrifying about it, other than the feelings I had in the dream. This time when I woke up, I felt a clear message from God that I couldn't ignore. As my morning went on, I felt there was even more significance to the dream than I had felt at first. Since I'm not sure where to start, I'll just dive right in.

In my dream, I was in some sort of store, trying to shop. Suddenly I heard two women wailing. It got louder and louder, and was disturbing my shopping, and several shoppers around me were complaining about it, too. So I finally decided to go over and try to silence them. As soon as I did, there was a bright light that came pouring in the shop windows, and then something dark pulling me downward. That's when I forced myself to wake up because I felt so afraid.

When I woke up, the feeling of being pulled down was what was most significant to me. What came to mind was when satan was tempting Jesus in the dessert, and he took Him to a high point in the dessert and told Jesus that if He (Jesus) would bow down to him (satan) that he would give Him the "everything you see" (the world). My interpretation is that back in the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve listened to the snake over God, evil was brought into the world, and ever since there has been a battle going on, and essentially the world "belongs" to evil/satan. So God's plan is to one day destroy all the evil, and reclaim the world for Himself/destroy the world and rebuild a place for Himself and those who love him. Therefore, since the world is evil/of satan we are to be IN it, not OF it, the world is not our home, it is only the place we inhabit during our physical lives. The world is obsessed with the biggest, and the best, and the newest trends, and our government is corrupt.

Then, as my morning went on, I realized the significance of me silencing the wailing women:

There will be punishment for those who silence the oppressed.

I love to write

I love to write. Sometimes I take part of a truth, and turn it into a story, sometimes I take things that happened in my own life, and put it into words as a healing exercise. I love to write, but I am so self conscious about it! This is a story I wrote today. Not for any particular reason. Just because.

He stood in the corner sipping cheap beer out of a red party cup. Jealousy burned in his eyes as he watched the girl of his dreams from across the room.

She danced as if she didn’t have a care in the world. And maybe she didn’t. Why would she? She was a beautiful co ed with her life together.

How can I hurt her? He wondered as he tried to drown his anger with the burning alcohol. He watched talk and laugh with the boy that she danced with, and he couldn’t swallow his anger any longer.

He could dance with another girl, but she wouldn’t care. He could leave the party, but she wouldn’t give his absence a second thought. He had introduced her to this lifestyle, to the feeling of freedom, and she had soared, leaving him on the sidelines.

He took one last look, shook his head with distain, turned on his heels, pushed through the crowd of party-goers, and left.

She noticed when he left. She saw the look in his eyes, but she only felt relief that he was gone. She had tried over and over to make the relationship work, but his constant flow of angry words was too much for her. Now, she hoped it was over, she hoped he was gone for good.

He drove home that night, seething. He was so enraged it’s a miracle that he even made it home. His eyes were so clouded with spite that the road blurred in front of him. When he got home, he stormed into the house and immediately sat at the computer. The words of hate, fueled by resentment, that had filled his mind on the long car ride home, spilled through his fingertips onto the keys of his laptop.

Look what you’ve become! An independent woman.
I hope you are happy. She was.
You are trashy on the inside and out. An untruth he wrote, that he hoped would sting.

On and on he went, for hours he searched for the most biting words, knowing that when she read it she would be repentant, and return to him . And then he waited. He waited for her response. The response that would never come.

She saw the message from him in her inbox. She nervously clicked on it, afraid of what she would find. As she read it, tears welled in her eyes as she began to feel the pain of his distasteful words.

Suddenly, a feeling overcame her. Through her tears, she decided he would not control her anymore. She would not succumb to his terrible words. He was a coward, a coward who used his words to hurt her. He hurt her on purpose, and she was done. His hold on her was gone.

She hit delete. She hit delete and never looked back.

My Poor Neglected Blog

I have seriously neglected blogging for awhile. Partially because I've been really busy, partially because I feel like I don't really have anything significant to say.

I am going to make an effort to start blogging again, although we are moving in 19 days, to the "perfect" apartment, so we're fairly busy!

I am also excited to announce that my beautiful niece, Hannah Jayde Lapp, was born this past Friday, the 22nd, at 2:00 pm. Becca did a wonderful job! I was so blessed to be able to meet little Hannah only a few minutes after she was born. :) We love her so much already!

Apartment Update

Well, I think we have found "the one". When Kevin and I talk about our "dream" apartment/home I have always said I want a dishwasher and a laundry room. Kevin always wanted bar style seating in the kitchen, and a deck. One thing we've always thought was neat was windows that went to the floor, and a really open layout. Of course, we knew we were dreaming, and would never find that. Some places we found part of it. A little porch, a spot for a washer and dryer in a closet. And most places in our price range have none of these things. All three of the apartments we have lived at since we have been married have none of these things. We have never had a dishwasher (that's why God gave me hands) or a washer and dryer. (I have come to accept laundromats as a part of my life) And all of our "porches" have been rather sad.

We have been praying about and looking for apartments for a few months. All of them would have included lots of compromises. But we were willing to give up a lot of things we "want" in order for Kevin to have a shorter commute to work.

Friends, tonight we hit the jackpot!!! We found our DREAM apartment. And we can afford it! Can you imagine????

It has an open floor plan. It has bar seating. It has windows to the floor. It has a DISHWASHER!!! It has a REAL laundry room!!! And it has a DECK!! Not a porch, a legitimate deck. Like, a put a picnic table and grill on it deck!! The best part is that the deck is closed off, and you can only get to it from a door to the inside, so we could let the girls play out there without worrying! It has off street parking!! AND IT'S FIVE MINUTES FROM KEVIN'S WORK!!! It's brand new and perfect, perfect, perfect! Oh, and did I mention CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING!! :)

I am praying everything comes together and we can get this apartment! However, if it's not God's plan for us right now, I will be ok with that too.

I know that I don't need a laundry room or a dishwasher to be happy. I am going to trust that what is supposed to happen will happen. None the less, I will be waiting on pins and needles for the next few days!

Tolerance

Where did religious tolerance come from? Did Jesus come to say "oh, it's okay, believe what you want!" No. He did come to teach us to love, but he did not come to coddle.

I'm not sure exactly where this train of thought is taking me, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Remember when Jesus found people selling things in the temple? I don't remember him saying, "you know what, if you think it's ok to turn my father's house into a marketplace, go right ahead, we're all entitled to do our own thing."

When Jesus came across people who didn't believe the same thing that he did, I don't recall him having a theological discussion, or compromising.

In Revelation God says that he will spew the lukewarm church out of his mouth. Is there anything more lukewarm than holding the belief that we should tolerate things that the Bible explicitly says are wrong?