Subtelty

Saw this on a friend's wall on facebook.  I had to repost it- I feel like this describes my life right now, at the very least where I'm heading.

Questions and Reality

How am I supposed to feel? Is there some rule I'm supposed to follow? Some code of conduct? I'm feeling overwhelmed about my health, and I just haven't been feeling well lately. I'm up to my eyeballs in medication, how am I not feeling great? Why am I taking them if I still feel tired and achy and sick? Am I allowed to complain? I have a great husband, beautiful children, a roof over my head, and food to eat. So am I just a huge complainer and I should just keep my mouth shut?

This is how I feel: this totally sucks.

I just got a call from the liver doc- the liver sample was insufficient, so they're weren't able to get any results from it. hooray for good news.... so anyway, there's some new blood test that I can have done (it has to be pre approved by insurance, and I have to go to some special lab, it's just that new) and depending on the "score" of that test they'll decide whether or not to repeat the liver biopsy.

So now I'm kind of feeling whiney like "why does this always happen to me". I'm not going to lie, I've started to get a little angry and irritated. Is God somehow trying to get through to me about something? It's this just the beginning and there is some big miracle to come? Am I just supposed to learn to draw closer and stop being stubborn and realize I don't have to deal with everything on my own?

So what is my reality for the day?
I'm feeling drained.
I feel like giving up.
I feel like I can't do this anymore.
I feel like there has to be good things to come.
I feel like baking cupcakes.
I'm upset that I can't eat cupcakes.
I think I might eat a cupcake anyway.
I'm excited to sleep over at my bff's house tonight.
I'm apprehensive about becoming a licensed driver tomorrow.
I wonder what my new freedom will bring.
I wonder if God will bring my purpose to me, or if I have to go find it.
My house is relatively clean, that makes me happy.
I have 3 loads of laundry to fold.

Some Ramblings

I've been a bit frazzled today. I've been on the phone for hours trying to get things straight- I've been dealing with bills, and doctor's appointments, and laundry, and children. I apparently told Kevin the same story three times and he was beginning to get a little concerned....

Tonight was supposed to be Kevin's first softball game. Of course it was rained out after we drove all the way down to Lancaster. Oh well, there's always next week, but the girls were very upset that they didn't get to see daddy play.

Wednesday I get my license back! (I'm not going to go into the whole story- you can read it on a post somewhere else on here) Is it weird that I'm a little nervous? I haven't driven at all in 3 months. The closer the day has gotten, the less desire I feel to drive. Even in the midst of all the craziness of the past three months (and I do mean absolute craziness!) I've felt really peaceful, and my heart has been joyful. (I'm not a fan of the word "happy", again, explanation in a previous post) And I'm afraid for the chaos that may ensue once I am allowed back on the roads! Ok, not really. I'm just afraid of over scheduling, and wearing myself out, and not spending enough time at home keeping things clean. I want to be home more just with my family then before I lost my license. You know, we even stopped watching tv in the last 3 months? Do you have any idea how much time that leaves for other things? We got rid of the tv in our room altogether- it was becoming a total waste of space.

Ok, I'm done reflecting on the last three months... for now. :)

The Rest of It

Here it goes, folks. After this my life is pretty much out there.

It was the end of January. I had found out about a week ago that my license was suspended. I was feeling trapped, alone and isolated. I was spinning into a deep depression, fortunately I was seeing my counselor in a few days. Thoughts of suicide filled my mind constantly- I had a plan down to the last detail. I was past the point of thinking rationally, what would happen to my girls or family didn't really enter my mind. (I know this might be hard for some people to understand. The truth is I love Kevin and my girls more then anything. However I was so deep into my depression nothing mattered to me.)

Then my counselor canceled the session, and I felt really alone- there was no one willing to help me. I tried to call and reschedule- but apparently they didn't take me seriously. The downward spiral continued.

This particular day was awful. I couldn't even think straight- I was literally in the deepest pit of my life. I don't think I had even showered in a few days. I had talked to Kevin once that day and I think we fought about something, I was rather unreasonable at the time.

I think it was around 2pm. The girls were finally sleeping. So I intended to carry out my plan. I emptied every pill bottle I had out onto the counter. I'd researched online what combinations were lethal. Then I poured myself a glass of water with every intention of ending my life right then.

At the time, Kevin was at work. He said he had a feeling like he's never had before in his life. He stopped doing what he was doing, left the car he was working on still on the lift and came home. He didn't even knock on the door for me to open it when he got here- I had locked it. He jumped over onto our porch, came in the house and ran up the steps.

There I stood, glass in hand, a palm full of pills, my life and my husband before me.

Is there any question of God's goodness?

my favorite poem, my new tattoo?

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.


My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.


He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.


The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

ok, so i'm posting one more thing before i turn on one of my crappy comedies and hit the sheets. i love, love, love this poem. pretty much i love literature, and i love picking things apart and finding meaning. you know, all that nerdy, bookish stuff. 

i'm getting the last several lines of the poem tattooed sometime in the nearish future. this is why: the man (or woman) in this poem stops in the middle of the dark woods. this place is beautiful and comfortable for him, but it makes his horse uncomfortable, like "what are you doing here, this place isn't for you." and the man (or woman) realizes that he can't stay there because he has promises he needs to fulfill and "miles to go" before he sleeps. 

so, personally for me: i feel like my darkness, the depression, self loathing, anxiety, etc, is what is comfortable to me. it's my woods that is lovely, dark, and deep. but it's not my woods to stay in, that's not the truth i choose to embrace for myself anymore. i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep. and so i need to keep heading forward- keep recovering. my promises are my girls, my husband, and myself. and that's why i need to remember not to stay in those woods, they belong to someone else. 

on a closing note- i think the time is drawing near when i might be ready to share the chain of events that lead to my stay at philhaven. it's hard to tell, but it is an amazing story of God's awesomeness... so, i'm debating.  

Insomnia and Fear

I have not had one of these nights in a LONG time, as a matter of fact I have been sleeping like a baby  well for months now. (since becoming a mother- I realize sleeping like a baby is a completely ridiculous statement.)

So here I am, sitting at my computer at 12:30 am. I was laying in bed next to my snoring sleeping husband, and suddenly every noise made me jump. I was just sure someone was about to break into our house and death would be imminent. (why yes, my anxiety/imagination does get the best of me sometimes) It's kind of bizarre because I really haven't had a problem with it in so long... maybe it's because we started watching Schindler's List tonight? (I turned it off less then half way through, that's a lot to take in at once.) Perhaps all I need is a good dose of Jackass or Super Troopers. Truth: terrible, awful, horrendous comedies help me sleep, and I love them.

Lately I've had a desire for our home to be a place of peace. Have you ever walked in anywhere and just felt the calm, and peace in the room? So I'm open for ideas. :)

Discovery.

So, today I was having a conversation with a friend who came to visit me in my prison (aka- my home). Although I will be free in five days. (i know, what???) I'm going to be like a bird, so used to being caged that once the door is opened I'll just stay inside for fear of what lays beyond the bars.

Ok, enough of my melodrama. My friend and I were talking about God (a frequent topic of our conversation) and about whether relationship with Him/Christianity is about good and evil/spiritual warfare-esque things, or is it really about discovery? Can I vote discovery?

Since she left I've been thinking about all the ways I have discovered God. I discovered God in the pink flowers on a tree that bloomed the day I had my miscarriage, and how I could look at them every day and feel peace in my heart. I discovered God somewhere between my insulin and anti anxiety medicine, in the midst of all my health scares. I discovered God at Philhaven, during chapel when 20 mentally ill patients raised their voices in song. I saw God in a patient who made tissue paper flowers for his daughters, and their delighted smiles when they received them. I discover God everyday in my daughter's eyes.

That's what I want it to be about. Discovery.

And now I'm going to go discover God in this awesome thunderstorm we're having. :)

On another note- yesterday at work one of Kevin's co workers was hit in the face with a truck tire rim when the tire exploded while he was changing it. He and his family are on my heart, and I'm sure they would appreciate prayer.

Some humor after my last post...

Yesterday our neighbor gave us a bag of fresh organic produce. (yum!) It was full of spinach, and swiss chard, and parsley. Then there was this bundle of herb that I hadn't seen before. I sniffed it... AH! It must be meadow tea! We are in the middle of Amish country. So, I text my mother in law (yes, Katie, if you're reading this, I am totally throwing you under the bus... lol) a picture of the mystery herb and she concurred, it must be meadow tea. 


I was elated! Just my luck! Meadow tea on Kevin's birthday! It's his favorite! So I carefully boiled water, steeped the tea, and added sugar. (This was, after all, my first meadow tea attempt) Then I proudly carried a glass down to Kevin who was grilling asparagus and pork chops. He took a gulp, and I anxiously awaited his verdict. He looked at me, grinned his Lapp grin and said, "This is not meadow tea." 


How could this not be meadow tea? All those break cleaner fumes must have gotten to his head. So we went upstairs, and he smelled the herb I had just steeped. "It smells like pizza" he said. So I got down my jar of oregano.... we compared. Bingo. I had made oregano tea. 


My goal for this weekend: go buy some legit meadow tea leaves from the amish stand down the road so I can make him some real meadow tea. 

Lessons From the 2x4

I'm sure I've blogged before about the "2x4" truth. People don't do things to you they do them for themselves. Sounds easy enough, but for me it's been semi life changing. If that's true then it means that I don't have to take things personally, or internalize criticisms I receive. 


So, to my point, why am I bringing up 2x4 again? Perhaps to hit someone over the head with? Not today. I've been a little down lately- not feeling well, and having that "why me?", "life isn't fair" attitude. Which is weird for me because usually I take everything in stride and keep that cliched attitude that "everything happens for a reason". I felt like why is God doing this to me? 


I think it hit me yesterday. We're anxiously awaiting my liver biopsy results (assuming we get them with this biopsy and I don't have to repeat it- either way the waiting is torturous.) and I've been doing some research. They did the biopsy for to reasons 1.) to confirm auto immune hep. 2.) to see what level of damage has been done to my liver. So I guess I assumed that "liver failure" is the same as kidney and you can do something about it. However- that isn't exactly the case. Liver damage is called cirrhosis.  Cirrhosis kills you and there's pretty much no way around it. Even transplants aren't that great of an option. The survival rate after 5 years isn't that great. There's a lot of information about "end of life care" when you google "cirrhosis". 


It made me wonder if this is it. Or if it's close to it. I mean, with all my other health problems it's not like I had a great life expectancy anyway. But I was at least planning on seeing my girls graduate from high school, maybe dancing at their wedding, and having a grandchild or two. I'm not trying to be melodramatic. It's just like reality hit me from all sides yesterday. Kevin and I talked about last night. A topic we usually avoid. At my last doctor's appointment they told me it's really time that I make a living will. I just hope that I live long enough for Korinne and Khloe to know that I would never leave them on purpose, it's not my choice. It just is. 


So, after several rabbit trails, here is my point. The Lord isnt' doing anything to me. Everything is for his glory. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second is a gift. It's my choice how I use them. 

I love Birthdays.

as you can see, i have done an incredible job at keeping up with blogging... oh, wait....
anyway, this past wednesday i had my liver biopsy, if i don't have to repeat it (story to follow) i will get the results in about a week and a half.
so, story. my mom calls it "the law of kelly" that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. (haha, thanks mom) anyway, for a liver biopsy you are sedated, but not asleep. same as when i had my kidney biopsy- local anesthetic and some anti anxiety drugs and sedatives- because i had to be awake to hold my breath so they wouldn't miss. with my kidney biopsy i ended up in the hospital a week because of complications. but i had a nice roomie- so it wasn't so bad.
ANYWAY- down in the room where they were doing the liver biopsy.... the sedative hadn't kicked in- nor had the local anesthetic- and i had no warning when they stuck the needle in... so i jumped, and immediately began bleeding somewhat profusely. the doctor was pissed. she barely got any liver, and so rather then 3 samples she got only a little one. oops. so she said she couldn't go back in for more- hopefully that was enough. (yes, hopefully, indeed.)
THEN- (my poor husband) back in recovery my bp started dropping (and I was sooo out of it from the sedatives) and suddenly doctors and nurses are in the room and they literally ran me down to get a CT to see if I was bleeding. (nothing major, ptl.) Long story short, there was no lack of drama.
So I got to stay with my bff, Roxanne for a few days to recover. I also had an amazing birthday yesterday. Even though I  was technically not supposed to do anything, we went book shopping and to Starbucks. A toasted coconut frap and a few books was just what my birthday needed. Then we had yummy mushroom and artichoke lasagna for my birthday dinner. Seriously delish.
Anyway- this post may not make sense because I'm still on painkillers. Bear with me please. :)

Some Complaining and Some Freedom

Today I had a realization. I only have 22 days left in my license suspension! Hooray! It doesn't even bother my anymore. People make mistakes, and I don't feel bitter anymore. I'm actually grateful. If I had never had it suspended I wouldn't have hit the low that sent me to Philhaven, and that is an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. I wouldn't have gotten to know my mother in law better. I wouldn't have learned that contentment comes from within, and I never would have realized how many people care enough about me to make the trek to East Earl to keep me company. Who knew I had so many people I can just pick up the phone and call if I'm having a bad day? Now I'm sure I'll never find myself in the pre- hotel del Philhaven hopelessness ever again. I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself when I'm able to leave the house on my own again! Not driving for three months makes me nervous that I've forgotten how.

Now for the "complaining". I've always thought that the "right" thing to do is to keep how I'm feeling (health wise) to myself. It's wrong to stress other people out by expressing how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. Plus, who wants to hear it? Oh, well, I feel like I need to get it out, so here it goes.

First of all, I am grateful that death isn't immanent. To quote Buddah:

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” And I do feel grateful, don't get me wrong. Why am I already prefacing this defensively? I'm just going to get it out.  I'm angry. I want to know what I did to deserve to be sick all my life.  (I know, that's not how it works, but it's how I feel) I want to know what my purpose is! I want to know why!  Today I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because I have to fast all day for my surgery tomorrow. It's 9:30 and I'm already hungry.  So that's it. I'm angry and grumpy. That's my reality today.

Great Expectations

Ok, folks, this post is a proof that I am indeed crazy.
Lately I've been feeling a little "poor me", which is not normal for me. I have these expectations for other people, that I'd like them to be supportive of everything that's been going on lately. However, I hate for people to pity me, so I don't like telling other people about my health issues, I don't ever want anyone to think that I'm a complainer. Because that's not me. The other reason I don't like being real with people about my health issues, and my fears about it, is because I'm afraid of rejection, and that they won't live up to the expectations I've placed on them. Do I sound crazy yet? lol.

So where does this come from? Why do I place expectations on people? Why do I want so badly for people to care about how I'm doing? I guess that's all I want, to feel like I'm cared about. Sometimes I feel like, I care about these people and would bend over backward for them, but they won't do the same for me. That's a little bit messed up, huh? I shouldn't be doing things for people with an expectation already in my mind; an assumption that they will automatically care about me, too. So does that mean I'll stop doing things for people? Absolutely not. It just means that I really need to get over my "great expectations" for people.

I'm glad to say that recently, people in my life have completely surpassed any expectation I could have had for them. And I do feel so supported by so many people! :)

So, now I'm going to go listen to some Cee Lo (actually, the "F You" song is by far not the best on his album) he always cheers me up. I'm also going to relish every bite of food I have today because tomorrow it's a clear liquid diet to prep for my surgery on Wednesday.