The Rest of It

Here it goes, folks. After this my life is pretty much out there.

It was the end of January. I had found out about a week ago that my license was suspended. I was feeling trapped, alone and isolated. I was spinning into a deep depression, fortunately I was seeing my counselor in a few days. Thoughts of suicide filled my mind constantly- I had a plan down to the last detail. I was past the point of thinking rationally, what would happen to my girls or family didn't really enter my mind. (I know this might be hard for some people to understand. The truth is I love Kevin and my girls more then anything. However I was so deep into my depression nothing mattered to me.)

Then my counselor canceled the session, and I felt really alone- there was no one willing to help me. I tried to call and reschedule- but apparently they didn't take me seriously. The downward spiral continued.

This particular day was awful. I couldn't even think straight- I was literally in the deepest pit of my life. I don't think I had even showered in a few days. I had talked to Kevin once that day and I think we fought about something, I was rather unreasonable at the time.

I think it was around 2pm. The girls were finally sleeping. So I intended to carry out my plan. I emptied every pill bottle I had out onto the counter. I'd researched online what combinations were lethal. Then I poured myself a glass of water with every intention of ending my life right then.

At the time, Kevin was at work. He said he had a feeling like he's never had before in his life. He stopped doing what he was doing, left the car he was working on still on the lift and came home. He didn't even knock on the door for me to open it when he got here- I had locked it. He jumped over onto our porch, came in the house and ran up the steps.

There I stood, glass in hand, a palm full of pills, my life and my husband before me.

Is there any question of God's goodness?