A Quiet Thursday Afternoon

Not much to say right now. The house is quiet, and I love it.
Korinne, Khloe, and Graydon (my bff's son) are sitting on the sofa watching Megamind and munching on popcorn. We're playing the "whisper game" because Roxanne (my bff) is sleeping. Yay! I'm so glad she could catch a few winks while baby Eli is sleeping and the other kids are just hanging out.
So, I'm browsing the blog world, and thought I'd just check in and say hello. :)
Rainy days with good friends are great!

Three Hours Later

Ok, folks, bear with me. I hate posting pictures of myself. Buuut, here is my new hair cut! I took 4 inches off, it's a long bob. Colored it ash brown (a little darker then my natural color) to help neutralize the red, and added highlights. Yes, it took 3 hours. Here is the result. This is the it-was-curly-yesterday-then-I-slept-on-it look. :)

Supernatural Grace

So, I'm making a half hearted attempt to blog today, even though I'm not feeling the creative juices.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is the Holy Spirit, and grace. Lots of people, myself included, question how we're supposed to interpret/live out certain parts of the bible. For example, how do we love people who have horrible wronged us? (I hear that one a lot) I had to work a really long time to learn forgiveness. The conclusion I came to is that we as human beings sometimes just don't have it in us. I believe that, in those times, grace is extended to us, and sometimes the Holy Spirit fills in where we are lacking. I think some things are just impossible in human emotions.

In hard times in our marriage, I have prayed for love, and I have received a love that is beyond what I could feel on my own. In times where I needed grace, I received grace above what my human emotions could have given me.

So, those are just my thoughts. Hope everyone has a great day. I know I will. In a few hours I will have a new hair cut and color! I haven't had my hair "style" changed literally since high school. So I'm in for a big change!! :)

God, Kevin, and my BFF

I feel like I repeat this over and over, but this time I can use the past tense. Being home had been hard for me. I'm feeling like God switched that invisible switch in my head, and I'm feeling like myself again, like my depression has lifted. 

I blogged a few days ago about how I suddenly had my "ah ha!" moment with God about laying down my burdens. About how I don't have to just live with depression alone. I have my support group, and even better, I have my Lord, who can help me to bear the burden of  my depression. Everyone I have spoken to has said they can even tell a difference in my voice. 

So, to the point. Kevin and I were talking tonight, and he looked at me and told me that the day I had my "ah-ha" moment he had been praying for me. He knew what a hard time I'd been having, and we both knew that things couldn't stay that way. I was kind of just floating through, not feeling like myself. All four of us deserve better then that. 

I was amazed that within hours, perhaps minutes, our prayers had been answered, and he literally came home to his wife, instead of the shell I had been for the past few weeks. 

Not to downplay my amazing hubby, but one thing that has been a HUGE blessing to me has been my friendship with a wonderful woman named Roxanne. I literally cannot put into words how much I have come to love this person who I have only known a short time. I literally could not be on this journey without her. Isn't it crazy how God just puts the perfect people in your life at the perfect time?

I've just seen God's hand in my life in SO many ways lately. Can I just say that I'm even kind of grateful for my license suspension? Of course, I'd love for things to get straightened out so that I can get behind the wheel, but right now I'm embracing what my life is right now, and I'm feeling pretty blessed. 

All Of Creation

All Of Creation

MercyMe

Separated until the veil was torn 
The moment that hope was born 
and guilt was pardoned once and for all 

Captivated but no longer bound by chains 
left at an empty grave 
the sinner and the sacred resolved

and all of creation sing with me now
lift up your voice and lay your burden down
and all of creation sing with me now
fill up the heavens let his glory resound

Time has faded and we see him face to face 

every doubt erased forever we will worship the king 

Honesty and A Jesus Moment

My throat feels tight.

My feet are cold.

My eyes are tired and sore. 

I'm listening to "The Generous Mr. Lovewell" 

My kitchen could use cleaning.

The carpet could use vacuuming.

I'm probably going to make hot dogs for dinner. 

That is my truth this very moment.

I'm a broken person searching for the pieces. And yet I am whole. Did you know that this unkempt, sorrowful, broken person is also a stunning bride? A daughter who is loved by the perfect Father?

Yes, I am perfect in this very moment. That's so crazy to me. I feel like I'm supposed to act like someone I'm not. All my life have I been living for other people's expectations? What would happen if I did what I wanted, what I felt was right? Would that be freeing? I'm beginning to think so. 

I just literally this moment had an incredible revelation. I'm listening to MercyMe's The Generous Mr Lovewell cd- the song All of Creation (I'll post the lyrics). You know what? I keep thinking I need to learn coping skills (which I do) and just live with this depression. That being depressed would somehow be intertwined with my truth. But I just realized, here, sitting at my computer, with sunlight streaming in, that it doesn't have to be like that. I can simply lay my burden down. I can give it to Jesus. And I just felt an incredible weight lifted. 

To every beautiful person reading this- Be Blessed! 

My Truth for Today

Blogging has been kind of hard for me lately. There's so much going on in my brain, and I don't know how, or if I want to, put it into words. I just wrote and then deleted an entire post because it just didn't feel real. I can say lots of things, but it's just not how I'm feeling. So I'm just going to try to be real.

My emotions are a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel fine, and other times I feel like I'm heading right back toward the pit I just pulled myself out of a few weeks ago. This might sound crazy, but the pit is what I know, what is familiar and comfortable to me. In the past I've started to feel depressed and just always allowed myself to go there.

While I was at Philhaven, I crawled out of my pit. When I got home I began my recovery. At first I thought recovery sounded I little dramatic, but then I realized that's exactly what it is. I'm recovering from a deep, deep depression. I learned new skills to help me not to sink into that depression again. Of course I'm going to feel depressed again, but now I've learned that I can fight it. I might get to the edge of that pit, but I don't have to jump in.

What's hard for me is that, for a lot of people their depression has a "trigger". I guess I could say that sometimes something triggers depression for me. However, most times it seems like there's an invisible switch in my head. I'll go from being ok to being depressed with no rhyme or reason. How am I supposed to be proactive if I can't control my feelings?

I will continue to fight. When I start to get depressed, I will refuse to isolate myself. I'll talk about how I'm feeling. I know I have a support system, I know I can make a phone call, and there are people that will come spend time with me, or just talk to me if I need it. I know I have to be honest about how I'm feeling. I know that I can't beat myself up. A mantra that plays in my head is that I have everything to be happy about, but yet that's not how I feel sometimes. I've come to realize that doesn't make me unappreciative for what I have, it just is what is. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have. It doesn't mean I don't love Kevin and the girls. It's ok to feel depressed, but I don't have to take it lying down.

One more random thought. Recently a friend sent me this:

Directness

We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they are feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships. It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.

I would consider myself an honest person. At this very moment I am embracing my truth, and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Ordinarily I don't like to sugar coat things. I feel like if I care about someone, I'll be honest with them. My friend sent this to me because there is one relationship in which I feel like I can't be honest. I want to be, and my honest comes from a loving place, but this person is so closed off, and can't see past the false truth they've convinced themselves of. So this relationship is causing my to stray from my truth, and my strong belief in being true to myself.

Really, I don't have all the answers. I have struggles and I have triumphs, but I'm going to keep living, and embracing my truth.  And I'm absolutely going to keep growing and learning about myself. Isn't that the most important thing?

In Appreciation

So, we've all heard mother-in-law jokes, right? I've definitely heard my share of mother in law horror stories.

I'm married to a really wonderful guy (as I'm sure many of you are.) and I do have to be really grateful to my husband's mother for raising a son that could be as great as Kevin. :)

Anyway, my point of this post is basically realizing how important a relationship with a mother in law is. Not only is my mother in law my husbands mother, she is a person (I know it sounds lame, but sometimes I tend to just identify people as their "role" in my life.) and a kind of neat one at that.

I have to admit, I'm pretty sure we haven't liked each other every single second of the time we've known each other. However, recently I read "The Mother In Law Dance" (great, book, by the way) and it changed my perspective a little bit. I think it's always helpful to step out of my shoes and try on someone else's.

Then this Wednesday my mother in law came to stay with me. I cannot even describe how much that day meant to me. I'm always a little leery of people treating my differently after my stay at Philhaven. Either avoiding the subject all together, changing the subject if I bring it up, or over analyzing everything I say or do. She treated me like a normal person, while at the same time showing me that she really cared. Making me get out of the house even though I kind of felt like sitting on the sofa all day was the best thing for me.

So this post is in appreciation of my mother in law. I challenge you all (if you have a mother in law) to show her how much you appreciate her, even if you don't always get along. :)

How Could I Forget?

So, I've been blogging since I got home about people I met, things I'm feeling, and I'm wondering how I could have forgotten the most important person???

MY HUSBAND!

I don't know if any of you have ever gone through your own personal crisis, but let me tell you, I could not have gone through mine without my husband. This whole experience has brought us so much closer together. It's taught me a lot about love and trust, and I am so indescribably grateful for Kevin and his undying love and support. He is so quick to put me before himself, and make sacrifices to make sure I get what I need right now. Do I sound like a selfish brat? I know that this stage of my life won't last forever, but I sure am grateful to have my soul mate by my side.

My New BFF

So, recently I met a woman whose pretty cool. Have you ever met someone and just instantly clicked? That's how it was with me and my new friend. We had eerily similar circumstances, and both were in serious need of some humor injected into our lives. And we found that in each other. However you look at it, whether it was a God thing (which I believe) or the moons aligned to bring us together, we were meant to be friends. So anyway, she's coming over today and I'm frantically trying to straighten up while my girls are still sleeping! I'm so looking forward to today! :)

Correction

A few minutes ago I was left a comment from an anonymous source. Not sure if they were trying to be passive aggressive or helpful. However, The quote that I posted and gave credit to Nelson Mandela for actually belongs to someone else. Apparently it is a fairly common error- the quote is often accredited to Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural speech. I did a little digging myself, even read his 1994 inaugural speech.

So basically, all this to say, the quote actually belongs to Marianne Williamson from her 1992 book, Return to Love. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Who Am I?

I'm am....

a mother
a wife
a daughter
a sister
a friend
a diabetic
a sufferer of chronic kidney disease
an individual with a mental illness
a book lover

all these are labels i stamp onto myself. what i want to know is who i am, stripped down to the core. why is that so hard? have these labels really obscured my view of myself?  lately i've been discovering things about myself i didn't know because all these labels got in the way.

i always thought i was a shy, introverted person, and i think i can be. but you know when i'm happiest? when i'm around people, and reaching out to people i don't know and creating lasting friendships.

i think this quote really applies to my life right now:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ouselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.  There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We were born to manifest the glory of God within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we uncounsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Nelson Mandela 

i think i might be afraid of who i am. my mind can't accept that i am brilliant, gorgeous, and fabulous. you know what's interesting, when i was at philhaven and had group therapy with some pretty awesome people. we ALL held each other in the highest regard, we could easily pinpoint amazing qualities in other people, but none of us saw them in ourselves. 

A Leap of Faith

I've said it before on my blog that I've struggled with bi polar disorder and severe recurring depression for quite a long time. It was something that was kind of hard for me to talk about with other people, believe it or not. In my mind I had this idea that there was something "wrong" with me because I have a mental illness. So I guess I looked at it as something I should hide and just take medicine to "make me better". I felt the stigma very strongly, but looking back now, I think I may have been the one with the stigma. All I have gotten is the positive responses from friends that I needed. That's why I think I'm okay with saying this now.

Tuesday night I got home from a six day stay at Philhaven. Best decision of my life. At first I felt weak because I was in such a dark place that I needed serious help to pull myself out of it. By the second day there I felt proud that I was so brave to admit that I needed help, and to take the steps to get what I needed so that I could be the best mother and wife I can possibly be.

While I was there I learned lots of things. First of all I learned that Philhaven is not what people make it out to be. While I was there a doctor changed my meds and I felt better almost immediately. The days were full of classes, and group therapy, and the people were just amazing. There's nothing like being surrounded with people who have similar "issues", and realizing you aren't alone, and giving each other positive feedback. It's indescribable to have any facades stripped away, and be honest and real with other people.

I have so many stories to tell, and my heart feels like it's just bursting because of all the incredible people I met, and discoveries I made. I definitely came home with new confidence in myself. But for now I'm just taking this leap of faith and sharing and being vulnerable with the hopes that this will lead to positive feedback rather then judgments.

Loving Myself

Have you ever thought about whether you really love yourself? How hard would it be for you to come up with a list of things you like about yourself, that you're good at, or qualities you possess.

Lately I've been processing a lot that's happened in my life recently, but I'm not ready to share it with the blog world.

So really all I have to say is that I'm really working on loving myself. Not just loving myself, but saying positive things to myself. It's something important for me to do since I suffer from bi polar with severe recurring depression.

Lots of times I feel really bad about myself, and I've been learning that instead of isolating and cutting myself off from other people, I need to be proactive and be constantly acknowledging the good in myself.

Karen

Recently a met a woman who quickly became very special to me. I'll call her Karen for the sake of my story.

Karen is probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She has such a tender, gentle spirit. She also doesn't think very much of herself. In the course of our time together, I tried to encourage her as much as I could. It's funny what a little encouragement can do. She came out of her shell and became like a new person in just about 24 hours. And you know what, everyone LOVED her. She's funny and kind and just an awesome person. She is one of those people I will never forget. Even though I will probably never see her again, she will always, always be in my heart. All I did for her was write an encouraging note or two, and asked her every day how she was doing.

On the last day that I saw her, when it was time to say goodbye, she put her hand on my shoulder, and with tears in her eyes, she told me how much my encouragement had meant to her. Then, with great emotion, she whispered, "I love you." I think that moment will bring tears to my eyes for a long time. I know that "I love you" was so hard for her to say, and it was the most genuine thing I have ever experienced.

So, in honor of Karen, I challenge you to encourage someone today. It might just change their life.

The Last 6 Days

I guess I'm back(ish). The past six days were the hardest, most amazing, most challenging, and most awesome of my life.


Right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, nostalgic, and pretty ok with myself.

I'll explain more when I feel up to it.

In honor of my good friend Patrick, I leave you with the challenge to love yourself today.

Temporary Goodbye

I'm in a really bad place right now. 


I don't have anything to blog about. 


So I don't know when you'll hear from me again.