Being a Fighter

The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can.

Robert Cushing 

If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. 

Thomas Edison 

We only become what we are by the radical and deep seated refusal of that which others have made of us. 

Jean Paul Sarte

So, I'm on this journey- this journey to be a better version of myself. To be honest, I couldn't make myself do it for my family, I had to make up my mind to do it for myself. I decided I wasn't satisfied with my quality of life- I wanted better. This has totally been my year of taking care of myself. First my mental health, and now the rest of my health. And I have to say, I'm feeling great and pretty darn proud of myself. I've found that the better I feel, the more I can be there for other people. That's really important to me right now. 

I have a friend going through something really tough, and I'm really glad I'm able to pass on my positive (ok, well positive 98% of the time!) attitude. I look at it like a fight. When something bad or unexpected happens, you can lay down and die (which is what I always did before) or you can fight like hell to become a better person regardless of the cards you have been dealt. 

I'll end this short post with my fav quote right now:

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. 

Maya Angelou

karma is bullshit

this will quite possibly become a post i might later regret, but for so long i have felt like i have nothing to say, that i'm not inspiring so why write? well, this time i'm writing, because the alternative might be throwing up, or breaking something.
sometimes life sucks. i fancy myself an optimist- i try to see the best in people and situations. i sometimes look really hard in the good in people; any reason not give up on them. sometimes this ends poorly for me. anyway, that's not really relevant. right now i'm not feeling much like an optimist.
i'm so angry right now. i'm angry at every pregnant woman, at ever woman who gets to hold her newborn baby. every woman who takes the child inside of her for granted. why is my baby dead? why is yours alive and i'll never get to hold mine. what makes your baby so special?
i just want to scream. scream and break something. somedays it just feels so raw- like my heart literally weighs a million pounds.
i want to yell at someone for no reason; use every four letter word i know. but nothing i can comprehend doing will make it go away. no amount of xanax will calm these nerves.
i'm just so freaking angry. i think it's ok to be angry. so i'm going to be angry. i'm going to go to the gym and run my anger, bike my anger, swim my anger. drown out my anger with my ipod.