I wake up, take a few pills. Wait 1 hour to eat. Check blood sugar 5-7x per day. Take 4-6 shots per 24 hours. Live with chronic pain, whether in my joints from lupus, or the migraines I've been getting that are resistant to medication and last up to 7 days. It sucks, and I hate it. I feel like I a failure as a mother because I can't do all the things with my girls that I want to. I'm afraid that Korinne is going to start feeling like my mom instead of the other way around. Today I woke up with a horrible migraine, while I was laying on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas on my neck to try to help the pain a little bit (I can't take pain medicine when I'm home alone with 2 kids), Korinne loaded the dishwasher and wiped off the counters. Because she wanted to. What four year old does that? It makes me feel guilty. I try so hard not to fall into the rut of feeling sorry for myself. Lately it's just been feeling like one thing after another, like I can't even catch my breath before something else hurts.
The other day I just got so frustrated, I told Kevin I don't know if I can believe, or want to believe in a God who lets people hurt so much. I'm kind of angry about it. I decided to keep pushing forward and believing, but feeling like maybe I don't like this god I've put my faith in.
This evening I had an MRI of my head and neck- to try to find the cause of my mysterious migraines that popped up out of nowhere. I was kind of nervous because I'm slightly claustrophobic. I just brought my sleep mask and tried to meditate. While I was in the machine I thought was kind of like 'Well, God, if you have anything to say, I'm pretty much stuck here for the next hour-ish'. I guess he kind of did speak. It occurred to me that my mindset is off. I felt like God was doing something TO me- he was causing me to have all these health problems. However, I think basically bad stuff happens because we are a fallen people living in a fallen world. God didn't one day decide to make me sick, He just didn't stop it. And maybe he did stop some of it. Maybe I could be a lot sicker. I'm fortunate that my kidneys are in remission, that my liver enzymes aren't getting worse, that my lupus flares are few and far between.
I HATE when people compare themselves to Job, because, honestly, he had it A LOT worse then most people. But, in the sense that God ALLOWED bad things to happen to him, we are similar. Job is a great example to people of perseverance in the face of hardship. Of extreme faith.
I don't have some grand conclusion or anything, I'm just a girl trying to head in the right direction. And these are my thoughts for the day.
