Life Update

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I already know this post won't be able to reflect how I'm feeling.
I had a doctor's appointment at 7:45am- insanity, I know, but I had to get in to see a doc asap.
So, I went to the doctor for something completely different, and she happened to see the blood work I had just had done to check my liver. My family doctor had recently assured me that my liver tests weren't that abnormal, and it was nothing to worry about. However, the doctor I was seeing happened to also specialize in livers. She saw my liver tests (kind of by accident) and was shocked that my family doctor had written it off. After taking the time to look over all my recent blood work she said it looked like I have auto immune hepatitis and scheduled a liver biopsy (two days before my birthday) to confirm her diagnosis, and to see what stage of liver failure I'm in. If a liver biopsy is anything like the kidney biopsy I had, I'm in for loads of fun. How blessed am I, though, that she saw that blood work? I could have gone years and never known, until it was too late.
The other bit of news I received was that I've finally tested positive for lupus. I kind of have mixed emotions. Finally I have a diagnosis, but at the same time I don't know that I wanted to know. If that makes sense.
So yesterday was weird. I'm having two minor surgeries in the next two weeks. I got two bits of life changing news, and I don't know how I feel. How am I supposed to feel? Maybe I'm being melodramatic.  Although, I don't know if I really care that much about my liver and my lupus.  I mean, it's like my health is a job. Taking care of everything is work, and how much worse could two more things be? Or maybe I do care. Or maybe I'm too overwhelmed to really absorb it right now.
I just wonder what my purpose is. What could it be, if all I am is sick? What does God want me to do? Am I just going to die in the next 20 years and that's it? What am I supposed to do.

To My Anonymous Reader

Philhaven has a day program, it's less intense then the inpatient program, but more intense then going to therapy. There's no shame in any one of those things. A lot of people that I met in the inpatient program went into the day program, so there are lots of great people there, I'm sure. 

Being inpatient at Philhaven is nothing to worry about. I obviously understand the uncertainty and apprehension. Going there was one of the hardest things ever. Kevin and I both cried when we said goodbye. Pretty much the whole first morning I was there I cried. It was a new environment and I felt overwhelmed. However, I quickly adjusted. The staff was amazing, I got to know some really neat people, and I got to learn a lot about myself. I really appreciated the set up of the program. Rather then working with a therapist just one on one, there is group therapy, and various classes throughout the day. One of the classes is art therapy. At first I thought it was totally lame, but I have come to appreciate coloring, and its stress relieving power. :) 

Inpatient doesn't mean you're a failure, it's just a stepping stone to recovery. I fully believe recovery is possible. I seriously wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep me updated. Maybe we'll end up knowing some of the same people. :) 

quote of the day

‎"I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being." – Confuscious

life

‎"If we all knew each other's secrets, what comfort we should find." – John Churton Collins


Ever felt like you were the "only one"? Me too. When did this idea come along that we (especially mothers) need to be perfect? We struggle with anxiety, depression, health issues, and just plain bad days. Why do we have to paste a smile on our faces and act like everything is okay when really we want to scream? 


Bear with me for a moment while I express one of my theories. I feel like women are meant to support each other. To be a community, a "church", if you will. I guess women are just perpetuating what the church teaches us. Sweep the "yucky" things under the rug and only show the beautiful things. Always say the right things, and never question. As mothers and wives I guess we're supposed to grin and bear it. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids. We're supposed to appreciate it all, and do all things with joy. What if I'm not feeling joyful? Is that ok? 


Today is one of those days for me. And it's only 9am. I want to throw in the towel. My head is already pounding, and we've already had 2 melt downs. I have mounds of laundry that need folded and put away today. I need to pack- the girls and I are going to Maryland for a week-, I need to clean up the atrocious mess that is the girls' play room. Yesterday they crushed up their pretzels that I gave them for a snack, and threw them on the floor, and last night I was just too tired to vacuum last night. You know what I absolutely HATE? When I have to say something a million times before they do something. Yesterday Korinne started playing in the bathroom sink after she went to the bathroom, I literally told her 10 times to get out of the bathroom before she listened. Can you tell I'm about 30 seconds from losing my mind? Perhaps I'll end up at Philhaven... again!! lol


Anyway, even in the midst of the chaos, I'm grateful. I have some pretty great friends that I can just vent to when I need it. I've been so blessed to have ladies in my life that have the same view of "realness" that I do. Personally, I've just decided to lay all my cards on the table. Anything less would drive me crazy. I'm not a very good pretender. Stuffing things inside has only gotten me into trouble in the past, and I'm not going to go there again. 


Sometimes I feel like my identity is wrapped up in motherhood. Like all my other problems have to be pushed to the side so that I can be a good mom. Don't feel good? Suck it up. This has recently gotten me into a lot of trouble. I've felt so overwhelmed with my health issues that I haven't been taking very good care of myself. After all, I have other priorities. Our insurance changed this year, so taking care of myself also happens to not fit into our budget very well. So I thought I could just "grin and bear it" big mistake. Guess what? Now I have more. My diabetes got out of control. I have glucose toxicity, it's damaged my liver, and I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet. I've been working on it, but boy is it a process! I left the doctor's office yesterday armed with 4 prescriptions. Did I mention I just had to fill 5 of my prescriptions last week? The woman at CVS said my insurance wasn't going to cover some of them, and my bill would be several hundred dollars. I was literally in tears at the pharmacy. Fortunately, the pharmacist talked to the insurance company, and brought my bill down a couple hundred dollars. I'm still feeling stretched so thin. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. That's my reality right now. 

Spring

Spring is my least favorite season. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that I actually dread spring.

When I was 15 I was in an abusive relationship. The worst of it was in the spring.

I don't really want to get into detail, just share that there will probably be fewer posts in the next two months.

Don't worry, though, this time I won't sign off for awhile and end up at Philhaven. :)