life

‎"If we all knew each other's secrets, what comfort we should find." – John Churton Collins


Ever felt like you were the "only one"? Me too. When did this idea come along that we (especially mothers) need to be perfect? We struggle with anxiety, depression, health issues, and just plain bad days. Why do we have to paste a smile on our faces and act like everything is okay when really we want to scream? 


Bear with me for a moment while I express one of my theories. I feel like women are meant to support each other. To be a community, a "church", if you will. I guess women are just perpetuating what the church teaches us. Sweep the "yucky" things under the rug and only show the beautiful things. Always say the right things, and never question. As mothers and wives I guess we're supposed to grin and bear it. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids. We're supposed to appreciate it all, and do all things with joy. What if I'm not feeling joyful? Is that ok? 


Today is one of those days for me. And it's only 9am. I want to throw in the towel. My head is already pounding, and we've already had 2 melt downs. I have mounds of laundry that need folded and put away today. I need to pack- the girls and I are going to Maryland for a week-, I need to clean up the atrocious mess that is the girls' play room. Yesterday they crushed up their pretzels that I gave them for a snack, and threw them on the floor, and last night I was just too tired to vacuum last night. You know what I absolutely HATE? When I have to say something a million times before they do something. Yesterday Korinne started playing in the bathroom sink after she went to the bathroom, I literally told her 10 times to get out of the bathroom before she listened. Can you tell I'm about 30 seconds from losing my mind? Perhaps I'll end up at Philhaven... again!! lol


Anyway, even in the midst of the chaos, I'm grateful. I have some pretty great friends that I can just vent to when I need it. I've been so blessed to have ladies in my life that have the same view of "realness" that I do. Personally, I've just decided to lay all my cards on the table. Anything less would drive me crazy. I'm not a very good pretender. Stuffing things inside has only gotten me into trouble in the past, and I'm not going to go there again. 


Sometimes I feel like my identity is wrapped up in motherhood. Like all my other problems have to be pushed to the side so that I can be a good mom. Don't feel good? Suck it up. This has recently gotten me into a lot of trouble. I've felt so overwhelmed with my health issues that I haven't been taking very good care of myself. After all, I have other priorities. Our insurance changed this year, so taking care of myself also happens to not fit into our budget very well. So I thought I could just "grin and bear it" big mistake. Guess what? Now I have more. My diabetes got out of control. I have glucose toxicity, it's damaged my liver, and I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet. I've been working on it, but boy is it a process! I left the doctor's office yesterday armed with 4 prescriptions. Did I mention I just had to fill 5 of my prescriptions last week? The woman at CVS said my insurance wasn't going to cover some of them, and my bill would be several hundred dollars. I was literally in tears at the pharmacy. Fortunately, the pharmacist talked to the insurance company, and brought my bill down a couple hundred dollars. I'm still feeling stretched so thin. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. That's my reality right now.