Some Complaining and Some Freedom

Today I had a realization. I only have 22 days left in my license suspension! Hooray! It doesn't even bother my anymore. People make mistakes, and I don't feel bitter anymore. I'm actually grateful. If I had never had it suspended I wouldn't have hit the low that sent me to Philhaven, and that is an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. I wouldn't have gotten to know my mother in law better. I wouldn't have learned that contentment comes from within, and I never would have realized how many people care enough about me to make the trek to East Earl to keep me company. Who knew I had so many people I can just pick up the phone and call if I'm having a bad day? Now I'm sure I'll never find myself in the pre- hotel del Philhaven hopelessness ever again. I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself when I'm able to leave the house on my own again! Not driving for three months makes me nervous that I've forgotten how.

Now for the "complaining". I've always thought that the "right" thing to do is to keep how I'm feeling (health wise) to myself. It's wrong to stress other people out by expressing how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. Plus, who wants to hear it? Oh, well, I feel like I need to get it out, so here it goes.

First of all, I am grateful that death isn't immanent. To quote Buddah:

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” And I do feel grateful, don't get me wrong. Why am I already prefacing this defensively? I'm just going to get it out.  I'm angry. I want to know what I did to deserve to be sick all my life.  (I know, that's not how it works, but it's how I feel) I want to know what my purpose is! I want to know why!  Today I'm grumpy. I'm grumpy because I have to fast all day for my surgery tomorrow. It's 9:30 and I'm already hungry.  So that's it. I'm angry and grumpy. That's my reality today.