After receiving some more bad news from the doctor this week, I'm giving myself permission to give in, temporarily. I'm going to stop forcing my good attitude, and just feel. I'm allowing myself to hurt.
I want scream! I am so angry! I want to know why. I want to know why there are terrible people out there who have been blessed with good health, while I, a 21 year old mother and wife, is struggling. I want to know why it's just one thing after another!
I am not okay. I am not okay with knowing I might not be at my daughters' weddings or high school graduations. I'm not okay with missing out on their childhoods because of surgeries, or because I'm in too much pain to get out of bed, or because I'm so exhausted I can hardly get off the sofa.
I'm tired. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of putting the girls down for a nap and barely making it to my bed before the tears start. I'm tired of laying in bed with Kevin and talking about anything but the future, because the future is what scares us the most. Uncertainty is the heavy silence before we fall asleep. We're both thinking the same thing, we just can't put it into words, because we're too scared.
I hate. I hate my doctor's who can't pin down a diagnosis. I hate when they try to sugar coat things. I hate when they are brutally honest. I hate that my own body destroys itself.
I try to be so strong, because I know Kevin doesn't like to see my cry. I know this hurts him just as much as it hurts me, and I know he is strong for me. I know it kills him that he can't do anything.
I know this season will pass, and my hope will come back. For now, I'm embracing this season of sorrow. This season of tears and heartache. I don't want to wallow, but I feel like if I skip this part of my journey my hope won't be complete.
So for now this is who I am.
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