Forgiveness, Anger, and Bitterness

For years I lived with unforgiveness. When I was 16, I was raped. For a long time I lived with a lot of anger, and a lot of hate. Sometimes I would think I had forgiven him, and then I would wake up in the morning, full of anger and hate all over again. Then I would just try and compartmentalize my feelings. I figured if I shoved it to the back of my mind, I wouldn't have to deal with it. That made things much worse, because eventually all that bitterness would be so great that it would overflow into my life! I didn't like who I was becoming inside, and I finally realized I was going to need the grace of God to help me to forgive. It was really hard, it was a conscious decision every single day. I am happy to say, that for probably about a year, I have experienced the fullness of forgiveness. Even when I think about the situation, I still know in my heart that I have forgiven him.

For me, it helped to come to the realization that forgiveness didn't mean forgetting, it didn't mean I was ok with what happened, and it didn't mean that I would ever have a relationship with him. Forgiveness was a very personal journey, and it changed who I was. For me, it was important to remember that God had forgiven me, so it is my responsibility to forgive others.

That is my successful journey to forgiveness, but in my life right now I am struggling with unforgiveness in other situations. It's difficult for me, because I think, "I forgave someone who did something terrible, so why isn't forgiving easy now?" It just isn't that way! I recently came upon this verse, and it has made my feelings so much more complex....

You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart.

1 Peter 1:22

How can I love someone that continually lies? I've come to the conclusion that that love needs to be something more than human love. It needs to be like the love God feels for us. We are all sinners, we all have a sinful nature. God hates sin. But He looks through our sin, and really sees who we are. That is the kind of love I need to find.

I need to realize that love and forgiveness don't mean that I need to become a doormat. It doesn't mean I have to surround myself with people who will continually hurt me. Just because I forgive, doesn't mean I want to continue the pattern of being hurt and lied to.

These are all the things I am struggling with in my heart. The one thing I am certain of is that I do not want to become a bitter person, so I am on a journey of forgiveness. And I think the desire to forgive is a great first step!