clear direction. I kind of wanted to go to college but hadn't enrolled anywhere, I kind of wanted to try YWAM, but was afraid my boyfriend (Kevin) would find someone else while I was away.
I was impulsive, angry, and kind of headed in the "out of control" direction. I (on impulse of course) got a tattoo, tried (unsuccessfully) to hide it from my parents, worked two jobs, 12 hour days, and spent money recklessly. During that time I was having sex just as irresponsibly. I was kicked out of my house multiple times, after shouting matches with my dad. I stayed with friends, with Kevin, and spent nights in hotels. Then after a particularly bad fight, I moved in with people that I babysat for. Being "on my own" was disastrous. I wasn't used to making my own decisions, and most of mine were incredibly poor. I'm not proud of the manipulative, nasty person I was.
Kevin and I were on the verge of breaking up when I found out I was pregnant. We didn't even have a relationship anymore, we just slept together.
Finding out I was pregnant made me realize the HUGE consequences of my reckless behavior.
Kevin and I still didn't talk much, but I began trying to mend my relationship with my parents. My dad had recently had surgery and was off work for 6 weeks. I would come over and visit when I wasn't working (I just had one full time job by now) and only by the grace of God, my relationship with my dad started to heal. However, I was almost 3 months pregnant still hadn't told my parents.
Finally, the day came when I knew I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I came over and stayed late, trying to work up the nerve to tell them. We were sitting in the living room, my dad got up to go trim his nails, and I told them when he came back I had to tell them something important. When he was gone my mom whispered, "are you pregnant?" I nodded and burst into
tears. When my dad came in my mom
told him and they just hugged me. (what a 180 from just a few months before!) They insisted I move back in, and I did, the next day.
Kevin wasn't with me when I told my
parents, but he was dragging his feet in telling his parents. I saw them a few
times, wearing a sweatshirt to hide my growing stomach.
By now it was January of the new year. I was living happily with my parents, working full time, taking my prenatals, and my morning sickness
was FINALLY gone. In late January, early February Kevin told his parents (alone). They took us out for breakfast and told us not to feel pressured to get married, and that they would be supportive. I have to say, no one ever tried to influence me one way or the other, keeping the baby or adoption. From the start I was sure I wanted her. So I was disgusted when a midwife I saw suggested I terminate.
I felt terrible when I found out teachers at lmh were asking my 16 year old sister about my pregnancy. (I'm sure you can imagine my feelings on the subject.)
Then, one day in early March, something crazy happened that had God written all over it. I was on my way to drop of a 24 hour urine at Women's and Babies, it was just a precautionary thing because I had been showing protein in my dip stick tests at my doctor's appointments. It was snow, I was running late for work, and my sister had made a comment I took as a jab about my weight. (I know, I was pregnant, but I've always had body-issues) I had a panic attack, and by the time I got to the hospital I couldn't breathe. They immediately took me to triage, and my blood pressure (which is usually low) was through the roof. The nurse told me they would just have to keep me there until my blood pressure went down.
My dad works at Woodcrest Villa, right across the street, so he came to take me home because of the snow. I was told I would be released soon. Then Dr. Wise came in. She sat down next to my bed and told me I wouldn't be going home. They'd gotten the results of my urine test, a normal read would be 0-300 units of protein in the urine.
Mine was 2,000. That paired with the elevated blood pressure indicated preeclampsia, a life threatening condition during pregnancy that progressed quickly, and almost always resulted in premature birth. The problem was I was only 20 weeks pregnant, weeks away from my baby even being viable. (having any chance of living outside the womb)
The next few weeks were a whirlwind. I was in the hospital more then not. I had doctors, ob's, specialists, and nicu doctors explain my options. Termination, or early delivery, I would be able to hold her until she died, anywhere for 15-30 minutes. They told me how she would die, I asked whether it would be painful for her. They said no.
Nevertheless, I remained right on the edge, I wasn't quite sick enough to deliver, but I was close. My parents talked to my grandpa, and they decided the baby would be buried next to my grandma. They prepared my sisters for the baby's death. Week after week inched by. One weekend in May, my birthday weekend, I really wanted to go home. I cried and begged. The doctor said they needed to do one more test. My protein was 4,995. 5,000 is the line that cannot be crossed. At 5,000 is automatic emergency delivery.
Let me explain something about preeclampsia. The protein and blood pressure are dangerous to the mother because it indicates that her kidneys aren't able to handle the pregnancy.
It can cause seizures, blood clots, and stroke. That in turn would kill the baby.
Anyway, the doctor let me go home! :) I should say, in those months between October and May, and especially after March, I had undergone huge changes. I wasn't as angry, or impulsive. I think I was become mother-esque. Or at least the closest an 18 year old can come. Kevin was with me as much as he could be while I was in the hospital. He slept on the awful pull out beds every weekend. He held me when they gave me medicine that made me hallucinate and all I did was cry. I think the gravity and emotional-ness of the situation brought us together.
Sunday, May 13th, my birthday and mothers day, Kevin proposed! That night I was again in the hospital for pre term labor. They gave me some shots and sent me home. That Wednesday I had an appointment with MFM (maternal fetal medicine) I was between 1 and 2 centimeters dilated. They immediately admitted me. The contractions started again and nothing worked to stop them. Not even magnesium, a nasty, nasty drug. The doctor decided they wouldn't try to stop them anymore, I would just have the baby. A nurse came in and tried to give me my next dose, I told her the doctor said I shouldn't take it, but she insisted. I WASN'T supposed to take that dose, but without explanation, my contractions stopped. That dose bought Korinne a few more weeks.
We had multiple "delivery scares" but every time, in the 11th hour, things would inexplicably turn around and I would have a few more days.
Eventually, June 16, I knew something was wrong. I was swelling so much that my skin hurt. I went into triage- the doctor insisted I was ok, but since I insisted I was not they admitted me. The next day I saw a specialist, and he said I should have had the baby a week ago.
The next day they stopped my contraction-stopping medicine, I was already 5 centimeters dilated from all the preterm labor, so they broke my water. 20 minutes later I had an epidural, and 2 hours later Korinne Emma Lapp was born at an incredible 33 weeks!
Doctors that had told me she would die went to see her in the NICU, the worlds, "unbelievable" and "miracle" were thrown around. And she still is a wonderful, amazing miracle.
After she was born we found out I actually had kidney disease. Usually pregnancy would exacerbate it, but in my case my kidneys got remarkably worse AFTER Korinne was born. This astounded my kidney doctor, and she used the word "miracle" to describe Korinne freely.
So that's the story of Korinne. I give ALL the glory to God.
Thanks for sharing. Korrine is a beautiful miracle! <3
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